"He fucked up and cost us half the team," Jax yelled.
"You've never fucked up?" she countered fiercely. "You've never done anything that cost the team? How about trusting the witch and bringing her here to start with?"
Bull's-eye. For a couple of seconds, she really thought he'd strangle her. The man was big and truly scary, with his spiky black hair, goatee, and the tats running down one arm. But the feral light in his eyes dimmed, the merest fraction.
"If he'd told any of us-"
"Well, he didn't, and there's nothing anybody can do about it now. Yes, he screwed up, but he did it out of love for you, with the best of intentions. You heard him-he truly wanted to believe that she loved you and he didn't want anything to get in the way of your happiness. Be honest. What would you have said to him if he'd bad-mouthed her back then?"
"I would've..." His protest trailed off, lost most of its heat. "I would've been pissed, and told him that he was full of crap. But we still might've caught on to her, if he'd just started the ball rolling."
"Maybe, maybe not." Taking a chance, she grasped his shoulder, like she would a fellow officer. In friendship and gentle admonishment. "Jax, you just told a good man, a friend who's had your back for years, that he should be dead. And he believed you."
The words hung between them, awful with their weight.
"You did what?"
Both of them looked to Kira, who stood a few feet away staring at her mate as though she didn't know him at all. She marched up to them, pinning him with a glare that made the tough wolf take a step back.
"Jax, who are you guys talking about?"
"Aric," he said, his defensive tone suffering a quick demise at her incredulous expression. "I overheard him telling Rowan that Beryl is his stepsister! He kept that from me, from all of us. Don't you understand what that means?"
"Yes. It means your friend makes mistakes like everyone else," she snapped. "Don't you understand how bad he must've felt all these months, how he probably has been beating himself up already? And then you came along and kicked him when he was down."
The silence ticked away and Jax hung his head, pinching his nose. "God. What have I done?"
Kira took her mate's hand. "Go after him. He's not going to listen to anyone but you now."
"I'll make it right," he promised hoarsely. The man wrapped his woman tightly in his arms, kissed her hard on the lips, and then headed off.
Rowan watched him go. "I didn't think this day could get worse, but that'll teach me to assume."
To her surprise, Kira gave her a quick hug. "They'll get things settled and it'll be okay. This isn't the first time those two have gone for each other's throats and it won't be the last."
"I'm not sure that's a comfort."
"Alpha wolves. What can you do?"
Rowan was sure she had no clue.
Aric's legs burned. His lungs were on fire, but he didn't stop. For a while, he wasn't conscious of where he was going, but in the back of his mind he must've known. The trees eventually thinned and he found himself racing toward a place where the earth met the sky. Nothing more than a sheer drop. At the last second, he skidded to a halt and stared over the edge of the deep ravine, breath sawing in and out, sides heaving.
What I understand is that you should be dead. It should be you.
His past had finally caught up with a vengeance. Life or death. Was there a choice, really?
It could all be over so quickly. Even a shifter wouldn't survive a hundred-foot drop onto the rough terrain below. Wouldn't that be kinder than dying by slow degrees, longing for a mate he couldn't claim?
Exhausted, he lowered himself onto his belly and crawled to the lip, resting his muzzle on his paws. Rocks and dirt skittered over, into the abyss. The sun had disappeared behind the horizon, leaving the bottom of the ravine shadowed in blues and grays, cloaked from sight. All was still, the earth holding its breath. Waiting.
One leap. Inches separating him from the end of guilt. Of pain.
For months, he'd blamed Jax for his own kidnapping, for saving Kira and changing fate. But the inescapable truth was that Aric had gotten exactly what he deserved. No, he'd deserved much worse. He should've suffered Micah's fate and much more.
It should be you.
Standing on four shaking legs, he told himself he could do this. His wolf resisted with a growl, his survival instinct strong. He tensed, muscles bunching-
And was struck hard in the side, shoved, sent rolling from danger. He bolted to his feet and found a huge white wolf positioned squarely between him and his goal. Nick. The wolf's teeth weren't bared, but his body was like stone, his purpose clear-Aric was not getting past him. Or past the others that suddenly trotted up, surrounding them in a semicircle.
Aric shifted to human form, crouched on his knees, arms wrapped around his middle, and sucked in a deep breath. Maybe that way he could hold in the guts that were being ripped from his torso. "Back the fuck off, Nicky."
His commander shifted, and so did Aric's friends-if that's still what they were.
"Can't do that, and you know it," Nick said in his don't-screw-with-me voice. However stern he sounded, worry still bled into his tone.
"You don't interfere with free will, remember?" Aric snapped.
Concern turned to anger as he took a step closer. "I'm making a goddamned exception. Do you honestly believe you're the only one suffering? That you won't leave a giant hole in this team if you do something so stupid?"
That gave him pause. "I-"
"There's a consequence for every action, Aric. These guys are your brothers, and they'd die for you. Do you care so little for them that you'd place their futures in danger because you took the easy way out?"
A chill settled in his chest, despite the rising fever that made him feel like he was about to self-combust. "I never thought about it like that."
"Which is why I'm telling you. Taking your own life will have far-reaching and devastating effects on every single man here, not to mention on others who aren't present. You can't do this. I won't let you." The finality in his voice was both a relief and a burden.
"I'm responsible for what happened to the team," he said hoarsely. "You heard Jax-I should be dead. He was right. It's what I deserve."
"No." A new voice broke in. "I was wrong."
Great. Just what he needed, Jax getting in his face again. Aric eyed the man warily as he approached, noted the shame etched on his face.
"What prompted the change of heart? Don't want me offing myself on your conscience?"
Jax winced. "After I calmed down, I knew I didn't mean what I said to you. And you were right about Beryl-I've got my own load of guilt for trusting her, and I can't lay that on you. I'm sorry as hell for transferring the blame, and I hope you can forgive me."
He stared at his friend for a long moment. "It's not a question of forgiving you. It's whether I can get square with my part in that whole fucking mess."
"Still..." Jax swallowed hard. "I need to hear it."
"I forgive you, man." God, he had to tell them the rest. "But it's not going to make any difference in the long run."
"Why? What do you mean? You're not still planning to-"
"No. I'll let nature take its course, but I won't hurry the inevitable." Everyone looked puzzled. Except Nick. Steeling himself, he explained. "I've found my mate, but I can't claim her."
A moment of stunned silence followed that announcement, and then they all started talking at once, peppering him with questions. Most prevalent were, "Who is she?" and "Why the hell not?"
He held up a hand. "You all might as well know. It's Rowan."
"Holy crap!" Ryon exclaimed.
He headed off more nosy inquiries. "I can't claim her because she's leaving for L.A. again as soon as Micah's better. She loves her job as a cop and I won't take her away from her life. She doesn't want a mate and even if she did, she deserves a better one than me and the dangers that come with living in my world."
"That's such bullshit," Jax said angrily. "It's worked out for Kira and me just fine. Have you even told Rowan what's going on?"
"No, and all of you are going to promise you won't breathe a word. I mean it. This isn't your problem."
"Yes, it is," Zan insisted. "Bro, you'll die if you don't claim your mate, and we can't afford to lose you-on the team or as our friend."
Aric looked away, into the gathering darkness. "Maybe not, but it doesn't matter. Promise me."
One by one, they did, though reluctantly. Everyone but Nick, who just returned Aric's glare with a hard one of his own.
"I won't say anything unless I feel I have to."
"Fine." Aric sighed. He supposed that was the best he was going to get.
What a joke. His team had intervened, but he was going to die anyway. He'd let down anyone who'd ever loved him. He didn't deserve to be happy, to have a beautiful mate. He'd only end up hurting her, too.
The sun set completely as they shifted and started the long walk back to the compound. Even among his Pack, he felt alone in the dark.
Aching for what might've been, if only he'd been a better man.
Chapter Eleven
Rowan hovered at the window to the rec room, alternating between pacing and peering into the waning evening. As in any workplace, word had gotten around about the fight in no time.
Sariel and a couple of others had found Rowan keeping vigil and had been concerned about what happened. She'd simply told them that the boys had a disagreement and went for a run to work out their frustrations. A vague response, but she figured the team's dirty laundry was their business to air, or not.
"They haven't returned?"
She looked around to see the gorgeous Fae walk in again, his brow furrowed. "Not yet."
"I think this 'disagreement' was more serious than you said, since you've paced there for over two hours."
"You could say that. But it's not my story to tell."
"I understand. I only wanted to check and see if you needed a friend."
"Thanks." She smiled at him. "A person can never have too many of those."
"Oh, I don't know. A handful of really good, loyal ones has always been enough for me." His voice was wistful, his expression distant for a moment.
"Did you leave behind someone special in your world?" she asked gently. His golden eyes were so sad, she could've cried for him. She didn't cry easily.
"My five brothers, and my best friend. They were all on a diplomatic visit to the Vampire Coalition or the Seelie court would never have succeeded in casting me from the realm. Politics, you know?"
"I'm so sorry," she said sincerely. "Your brothers and your friend, they knew that your father is this Unseelie bastard?"
"Yes. They loved me anyway," he said quietly, "as did my late stepfather. Now my oldest brother is king, and none of them ever would've told my secret. I don't know how the court found out."
"Maybe Malik told them, or arranged for someone else to do it?"
"Why would he do that? Raping my mother was, and still is, a crime punishable by death."
"Well, it got you kicked out, didn't it? And now you're without the protection of your kind."
"Which is exactly what he must've wanted." He shook his head, causing the fall of sapphire hair to wave like silk. His wings rustled in agitation. "I've been stupid. I couldn't understand how the court learned Malik sired me, but it never occurred to me that he might have been behind it."