I growled. “He would have told me.” I smacked the flat of my hand on the table and my dad glared at me.
“No son, he wouldn’t have. Remy struggled with it, he struggled with who he was supposed to be verses who everyone else thought he was and that’s not something you’ve ever done. You’ve always owned you, and screw anyone that didn’t like it.”
I looked at Shaw and then at the table. I had tried to change for her and it had been an epic failure. I climbed to my feet again and let my gaze fall on my mom.
“I don’t understand why you’ve never been able to love me the way I am when you obviously had the capacity to love him regardless of his choices. It just doesn’t make sense. I need to get out of here.”
“I’m with you.” Rome looked as wild I was feeling on the inside. I looked down when soft hand clasped around my forearm. I flinched involuntarily and I think I actually saw her heart break in her eyes.
“Rule,” her voice was a broken whisper. “I’m sorry.” She let me go and I almost couldn’t talk over the lump in my throat.
“I understand what you meant about those closest to you hurting you the most now. I’ll be in touch.” But as Rome and I hurried out of the restaurant I wasn’t sure I was telling her the truth and I refused to think about how much walking away from her like this hurt.
Chapter 16
Shaw
It had been three weeks give or take a day with no contact from Rule. No text messages, no phone calls, no e-mails, no carrier pigeons, just a whole lot of silence and heartbreak on my end. Rome hadn’t even returned my calls or texts telling him goodbye and that I would miss him while he was gone. He had left for the desert mad at me and as upsetting as that was the daily battle I had with myself to call Rule and beg him to forgive me, to plead with him to understand that it was never my secret to tell regardless of our relationship was soul crushing. Ayden kept saying he would cool off and come around while Margot and Dale firmly believed he wasn’t going to speak to any of us ever again. They were in the same boat as me, neither of the boys was speaking to them and Margot had nearly had a nervous breakdown when Rome had refused to allow them to drive him down to Fort Carson for his send off, instead the brothers went together leaving the rest of us out in the cold.
I was hurting but I was also sick and tired of my love and affection not being enough for anybody. I had loved Rule longer and harder than anyone else in my life and that still wasn’t enough for him to look beyond his own hurt feelings and sense of betrayal to work things out with me. I was still pissed that he had spent the week prior to the bomb being dropped trying to act and behave in a way I had never asked for or wanted, but when I was alone at night and crying in bed I had to admit that while it was misguided it was still a really sweet gesture and if things hadn’t gone so south we could have totally gone somewhere great with everything. I remembered telling him to beware of how bad things could be if we tried to do this and somehow even finding him in bed time and time again with every skanky girl this side of the Platte River couldn’t hold a candle to this complete freeze out.
I tried really hard not to worry about what he was doing or who he was doing it with, but every day that passed it seemed more and more fatalistic. Whatever he had felt for me wasn’t enough to get him past the hurt he was feeling and it came nowhere near the heart wrenching emotion I had for him so as much as it nearly killed me, as much as it pained me to let it go after so much time I had to get over him, had to work at moving on because even if he did get back in touch with me there was just too great a chance he had relapsed into his old ways and there was just simply no way I was going to survive that kind of betrayal from someone I cared so deeply about. So instead of languishing about it I forced a smile every day, picked back up the shifts I had dropped at work, threw myself into my school work and spent as much time as I could with Ayden and Cora. I was carful every time I was around Cora to give nothing away and she was just as carful to never, ever mention Rule or anything having to do with him.
To say my parents were excited that Rule was no longer in the picture was an understatement. My dad was so happy he took my newly repainted BMW and traded it in for a Porsche Cayenne because I was complaining one day about wanting an SUV to have when it snowed. I tried to refuse it, because I didn’t need to be bribed considering Rule had effectively left me, but the title was in my name and the BMW was already gone so I begrudgingly accepted it. My mom was even worse. She called every day to check on me. The woman that had never had the time of day for me was suddenly overly interested in everything I did and everyone I spent time with, I think she was trying to subliminally let me know that as long as I kept unsavory characters out my life I would eventually gain her approval.
The funny thing was now that Rule was gone I didn’t want it. I would have taken being disowned and disinherited a million times over if it meant I could just get him to talk to me, just get him to feel one half of what I had always felt for him. I think my disinterest made both my parents nervous. They were so used to dangling approval and acceptance in front of me like a golden carrot that now that it held no appeal for me they didn’t know what to do. Having the power now should have felt exhilarating or exciting but instead just left me hallow. I should have fought them sooner, should have felt this way as soon as Rule and I started whatever it was we had been doing. I wasted so much time it just made me pile more sadness and regret on top of what I was already managing.
“Thanks Lou.” I gave him one of the strained smiles that I was becoming a pro at and let him scoop me up in a bear hug as he walked me to my car after my shift. I hadn’t heard a word from Gabe in as many weeks as I hadn’t spoken to Rule, but it made me feel better to know someone still cared enough to make sure I was safe so I never turned Lou down when he offered to see me to my car, plus this was an odd night on for me meaning I had just picked up a shift because one of the girls was sick so Ayden wasn’t working and I was alone. In fact my roommate seemed to have shaken out of her funk and was on a date with a very cute physics major that just happened to be as opposite from a rock and roller as one could get. She had gone out with him twice this week and seemed a little more like her old self so I was happy for her even if it meant it was one more night I spent wallowing in misery by myself. No one said the road to recovery was pretty after all.
Lou set me back on me feet and gave me a peck on the forehead. “I miss that young man of yours, Shaw. He was a smartass but a good kid.”
I sighed because at least once a week I had this conversation with Lou. “I know. I miss him too.”
“Take care girly.”
“I always try.”
My new car was awesome; I’m not going to lie. It purred like all good sports cars should but had no trouble navigating the snowy and icy downtown streets as I made my way all the way across town to my apartment letting The Avett Brothers sing me really sad songs about broken hearts all the way. It was late, well after midnight so there wasn’t really anybody out and about considering it wasn’t a weekend. A dog was barking from somewhere and I shivered involuntarily as I climbed out of the SUV because it was cold and dark so I automatically hated this part of my trip home and it just drove home the point that I was really and truly on my own now and that just burned deep in my gut. I was lucky to get a spot right in front of the building and scurried to the security door because my uniform wasn’t meant to be worn outside even at the tail end of a Denver winter and punched in the code.
I blew warm breath on my fingers and dug around in my purse for my keys. Normally I had them out a ready to go but lately I had been so distracted by all the noise in my head and the heavy weight in my chest that maintaining my personal safety had fallen somewhere towards the bottom of the priority ladder. I had just pushed the key in the lock and was getting ready to turn the deadbolt when a deep voice said my name from over my shoulder. For a split second I was excited, unbridled relief flooding through me because the only guy that I figured would be waiting at my apartment for me was Rule, plus he knew the code to get in from when we were dating, but before I could turn around and do anything hard hands grabbed me by the back of the neck and shoved me face first into the door. I gasped in shock, some part of my brain flashing that I should be screaming for help right now but the door swung open with the flick of a wrist decked out in an all too familiar Tag Heuer watch and I went stumbling forward as rough hands pushed me inside.
My purse went flying and I was so stunned to see Gabe standing before looking as pressed and polished as usual, but with crazy eyes and a demented grin on his face that I couldn’t even move.
“How did you get in here?” I knew this wasn’t good. I wasn’t safe with him, didn’t want to be alone with him at all but the apartment was tiny and there weren’t many options to run to. I had mace in my purse on the floor and the Taser Rule had bought me was resting uselessly in my new car, and right about now I was really regretting I hadn’t let Rule leave his gun over here all the times he had asked when we were seeing each other.
Gabe ran obviously agitated hands through his dark hair and watched me like any other predator watched its intended prey. “I told your mother that we were working towards reconciliation and wanted to surprise you. She gave me the code. I followed you home from work since the freak is obviously out of the picture and the military monkey hasn’t been around I figured now was as good a time as any for us to get on the same page.” He was so cold, so matter of fact I didn’t even think he understood he had just forced his way into my apartment and that I was trembling in fear. I crossed my arms over my chest to try and bluff away some of the terror I was feeling but he just continued to watch me like he was mentally taking me apart.
“We aren’t even reading from the same book, Gabe. You need to go because in like two seconds I’m about to start screaming my damn head off.”
He shook his head and made a tisk-tisk sound. “Well you see Shaw things have really gone to shit for me. Ever since your thug of a boyfriend made me look like a pansy and my dad pulled the plug on my credit cards because of that little stunt you pulled with the restraining order things have been going downhill. I’m failing my political theory class, my fraternity wants me out because apparently it’s not okay to let some guy with the IQ of a sewer rat make you look like a sucker on your own campus, my parents are furious with me over the restraining order and the internship with your mother’s campaign I wanted fell through because she simply didn’t have time to get it together. So you see Shaw, ever since you decided to be a selfish whore and turn your back on all the great things we could have I’ve been having to work double time to get what I deserve.”
He was crazy, flat-out off his freaking rocker. I was trying to edge away from him because I knew if he moved close enough to get his hands on me things were going to go from terrifying to unimaginable horrible.
“I’m sorry you’re having a hard time with things Gabe but you shouldn’t have messed with my car. It pushed Rule over the edge. I told you to leave me alone or you wouldn’t like what he was going to do.”