My breath escapes me and I feel sick to my stomach at how stupid I was to not put this together when Blaine told me about his sister the other day.
“Holy fuck. No . . .” I cry.
I cover my mouth as the tears come pouring down. Gagging, I fall to my knees with my hands on the pavement as I empty my stomach in front of me, while fighting to catch my breath.
Royal killed those three men after they murdered Olivia: Blaine’s sister.
SITTING HERE, MY THROAT FUCKING burns from the pain and hate that is building up inside of me and eating at me as I sit here in this darkened room, looking around me.
I should be holding my baby girl in my arms, loving her and giving her everything that her tiny heart desires. Anything that girl would’ve asked for would’ve been hers. I’d give her the world just to know that my baby was happy and well.
I should be able to see her tiny fingers and toes, and be able to smell her soft little baby hair as I hold her close to my chest and remind her over and over that nothing in this world will harm her as long as her daddy is here.
God, it fucking hurts so bad to know she’ll never have that.
Everything is so different than what I expected it to be when I first found out the news of Olivia’s pregnancy. I thought I had life figured out; that we would live happily in our big home, have the guys over for dinner and watch games on the TV while Hadley laughed and played with her uncles.
None of that is my reality. None of that will ever happen. Fucking ever. She’ll never have the love and security that she deserves and I’ll never forget how I’ve failed her and Olivia.
I’m royally fucked up. My head is fucked up. My past is fucked up. My future is fucked up. Nothing about me is what Avalon wants or needs in her life, yet I’m slowly letting her break me down and force her way into my heart.
My memories and loss of the past will always fucking consume me; therefore, fueling the monster that I’ve become and making it impossible for me to love her the way that she deserves. It will always lead me back to this room full of baby stuff that will never get touched.
This is my fucking life.
Screaming out, I clutch the half bottle of whiskey in my hand and toss it at the wall. The bottle shatters into sharp pieces that land at the foot of the wooden crib I put together just days before Olivia died.
I numbly watch with tears stinging the back of my eyes as the amber liquid spreads across the floor, running to my feet and wetting my boots.
Leaning my head back, I squeeze the gun in my hand and let my eyes close as my whole chest begins to burn. I can barely fucking breathe right now and I’m not sure if I even deserve to.
“Whoa! What the fuck!” Blaine yells from the open door. “Put that shit down.”
I sit up and open my eyes to look at Blaine. “Relax. I’m not going to shoot myself. Fuck, I’m not that fucked up. Not yet at least.”
“Good. Now get the fuck up!” Blaine says in a rush, while painfully looking around the room. “I’ve been looking for you for over a fucking hour and have been calling your ass nonstop. We’ve got to go. Now.”
I reach into my pocket and pull out a cigarette. This motherfucker has bad timing. Always. “My phone died. It’s downstairs on the damn charger. What the fuck do you want? I’m busy drowning in my fucking sorrows.” I motion around the room with one hand, while placing the smoke between my lips. “Can’t you see?”
Blaine’s jaw clenches as his eyes meet mine. He looks extremely pissed and anxious. “It’s Brian, dickweed.” My heart fucking stops at the mention of that name, and suddenly I’m done drowning in my sorrows. “Cole said he spotted him an hour ago over at Happy’s Lounge. Cole is there now, keeping his eye out for him to leave. We need to be prepared before he fucking skips town again.”
“Fucking shit!” With my head spinning, I jump to my feet and rush past Blaine. “I need to call Jax.”
“We don’t have time for that shit,” Blaine points out. “What the hell.” He grabs at my arm in an attempt to stop me from going downstairs for my phone. “That’s not important, dammit!”
I turn back and growl at him, before pushing past him. “The fuck it isn’t. Avalon, man. Fucking Avalon.”
His face changes, finally understanding what the hell I need my phone for. If this shit is going down, I need Avalon in the safest hands I can get her in. I don’t trust anything not to happen to her.
Yanking my phone off the charger, I run up the stairs, while giving Jax’s phone a call. He picks up on the second ring.
“I need you to get to Avalon’s work and pick her up. Take her away for the night. Got it.”
“Oh fuck,” he says, fully aware of what’s about to go down. “What time can she get off?”
I pull my phone away and glance down at the time. “A little over an hour, but I don’t give a shit. Make her leave now.”
“On it. You just take care of what needs to be done.”
“Plan to.”
Rushing outside, I slam the door behind me and jump into Blaine’s truck.
He offers me a quick glance, before pulling off and heading for Happy’s.
I look down at my phone in my hand and take a second to look through my phone to see four missed calls from Avalon.
“Shit,” I mutter, while calling her back. I don’t like that one bit. She’s never called me. Ever.
Avalon picks up on the first ring. “Royal? I’ve been looking for you. We need to–”
“I need you to go with Jax,” I blurt out, cutting her off. “Don’t ask any questions. Just get on his bike and leave when he picks you up.”
“Royal. What is going on? Are you okay? Are you hurt?” She asks in a panic. “Tell me where you are. Please. I need to see you.”
I shake my head. “No. You can’t. Not for a while. I just need you to go with Jax.”
“I know,” she blurts out. “I know what happened to those men that murdered Olivia and it doesn’t matter to me. You didn’t do anything wrong. Please just see me. I need to see you. Royal. Royal.”
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “Just fucking go with Jax. That’s all I’m asking you. Trust me. Please promise me you’ll go with Jax.”
She’s silent for a few seconds and it almost sounds as if she’s crying. “Dammit, Royal. I promise.”