He doesn’t want me to stay, I thought to myself. Or maybe he did.
“Yeah, Pussy-on-the-Premises, right?” I felt the flutters in my stomach dull as I realized why he probably wanted me to stay.
He shook his head. “I didn’t mean that.”
Yeah, right. Why else would he want me around? We may have cleared up some miscommunication, but he still saw me as damaged goods. Not good enough, just like my mother said.
And I didn’t much like him, either. Even if he really did want me to stay, would I want to suffer his company all summer?
“If I wanted pu**y, I could get it, Fallon.” He blew me off. “But what can I say? I kind of like having you around, I guess. And I know you like me, too. As much as you try to hide it, I still turn you on. So stop acting like you don’t like me.”
I ground my teeth together as he pushed the button on the remote on his visor, opening the gate to his community.
Was he serious? Did he not realize that just because two people have fun in the bedroom doesn’t mean anything? People go to bars, know each other for an hour, and go home together! One has nothing to do with the other.
“You know what I really don’t like?” I huffed, climbing out of his GTO as he parked in front of the house. “I hate your car! It sits too low, they’re too many blind spots, and it looks like a Chevy Cavalier which would’ve cost you half the money as this waste of metal!”
I ran into the house, hearing his laugh behind me. “You seemed to love it last night when you were screaming my name!”
• • •
Who was I kidding? I’d have better success trying to jam a tree branch up my ass than convince myself I didn’t want him. But who cares, right? Yeah, I want him. Sure. Who wouldn’t? I could enjoy this. Just one more time. I just have to be the one in control, that’s all.
Jumping in the shower, washing, and jumping back out took me less than two minutes. My hands were shaking a bit, and I was blinking a lot—something I do when I’m trying not to think. I dressed in black lace panties and a pale pink vintage satin bra. Actually, it was only a bra in the sense that it covered my br**sts, but there was no support. It was loose like a slip that had been cut off right under the boob area.
Madoc was going to love it. Not only was it sexy, but it was user-friendly lingerie. He didn’t need to remove it to get his hands where he wanted them.
Letting my hair out of the ponytail, I fluffed it, leaving it a little tangled—Madoc seemed to like it that way—and applied a little mascara and color to my lips. Before heading to the door, I snatched my black-framed glasses off the bedside table. The hall was dark as I jogged the few feet across the hall to Madoc’s room. Slipping inside, I heard the water in his shower running, and smiled as I headed to his bed.
Good. I wanted to be here before he got out. For once, I wanted to surprise him.
I sat on the end, clenching my teeth to keep my smile from escaping. Heat raced through my veins, and my toes curled into the beige carpet as I put both of my palms down on the bed next to my hips.
How should I do this? I bent my legs a number of different ways, tried a slew of different poses, but everything felt unnatural. Legs spread, not spread. Leaning back on my hands, lying down on my side. It was all stupid. Madoc was going to laugh.
Okay, maybe not, but still . . .
Everything tonight was my way, I reminded myself. I didn’t want to let him dominate me.
I decided to leave my feet flat on the ground, legs together, with my hands folded in my lap.
The water shut off, and I tried to force my heartbeat into a calmer pace.
Madoc walked out, black towel around his waist, and immediately locked eyes with me.
His eyes went round, and his mouth snapped shut. He looked intense and a little angry.
I was afraid for a moment, afraid I’d overstepped my bounds by coming in here after him even though he’d invaded my space numerous times, but then I looked down. The bulge under his towel was growing. I fisted my fingers and tried not to feel pride, but it was impossible.
My confidence boosted me up like a pair of six-inch heels.
“You’re mad,” I taunted, leaning back on my hands. “I changed the game.”
He inched closer to me, his steps like a beast of prey. “Not mad, really. Just surprised.”
“But you’ve had other girls in this bed, haven’t you?” I asked. “Why not me?”
I hadn’t really thought about it until the moment I asked the question, but it was true. Madoc had slept with other girls in this bed, in this room. Probably.
But never me.
“Is that what you want?” His voice, sultry and sexy, played with me.
But I faltered.
Did I want that?
“You didn’t love girls in this bed,” I assumed. “You f**ked them.”
They were in, and then they were out, only to be replaced with another one.
I could talk myself up one hill only to find that I was still at the foot of mountain.
I did not want to be used, forgotten, and nameless.
He was right. What the hell am I doing? I looked everywhere but at his eyes, not sure where the answers were or even what the hell my questions were anymore.
Madoc and I could screw tonight. I could walk out of here instead of being kicked out . . . but what would Madoc have really lost?
Nothing. Having sex with him and then taking it away didn’t hurt him at all.
I blinked long and hard, finally seeing how stupid I’d been. So I stood up, tears stinging my eyes, and I swallowed the lump in my throat. “No, I guess I don’t want that after all,” I whispered and walked past him out the door.
“Fallon?” I heard him call, confusion lacing his voice
But I was gone.
Running across the darkened hallway, I dove in my own room, slammed my door shut, and locked it. I collapsed against the door, breathing hard, and closing my eyes so the tears wouldn’t come.
I hadn’t cried in years. I was always able to stop it, to swallow it.
You can do this, I told myself. Just do it. Before you do anything else stupid.
My phone sat on my bedside table, and I opened my last text.
Will post when you’re ready.
That text was three days ago when I arrived. My weak fingers tapped out my response.
“Fallon?” Madoc knocked on the door, and I stopped typing.
“Just leave me alone,” I ordered, talking to the closed door.
“No.”
Excuse me? I raised my voice to respond to him. “You told me to lock the door to keep you out, dickhead. That’s what I’m doing.”
“I came up with that line when I was sixteen and had toothpicks for arms!” His muffled voice got louder. “I have muscles now,” he continued, “and this door is going to be firewood in five seconds if you don’t open up!”
I raced over and yanked the door open. “Don’t you dare!”
“What’s your problem?” He pushed past me into the room, turning around to face me. “We had a fun day. And I had an even better night planned, beginning with the Jacuzzi.”
Of course he did.
I slammed the door shut behind him, shaking my head and letting out a bitter laugh. “I told you to leave me alone. Why can’t you just do that?” My tone stayed flat, but the muscles in my arms and legs were rigid as I walked past him.
He hooked my elbow, bringing us face-to-face.
“You come into my room, dressed like that.” He gestured up and down my body. “And then you run out, expecting me to not wonder what the hell is going through your head?”
“What does it matter? You don’t care. Not about anyone but yourself, anyway.”
I pulled my arm away and walked over to the side of the bed, putting a safer distance between us.
His eyebrows were pinched together in confusion, like he didn’t understand what I was getting at. Why would he? I’d done a complete about-face from earlier, letting him seduce me, and then I’d changed the game and tried to seduce him to prove that I could. Crashed and burned at that—and now I was pushing him away. He was confused, and he should be. I sure was. I had thought I knew exactly what I wanted to have happen when I came back here.
“Where the hell is this coming from? Is this about the other-girls-in-my-bed question?” he asked, inching toward me.
A small, quiet sigh escaped me, and with it, my plan. “It doesn’t matter.”
“I could ask you about other guys, but I don’t.” His expression was angry. “You want to know why? Because I would care. Do you really want to know how many girls I’ve had in my bed? How many girls I’ve slept with?”
He would care?
“No, I don’t want to know. We’re not in a relationship,” I bit back.
Madoc stood immobile, his face hardening a bit and his chin lifting a little, but other than that his body was like stone. I didn’t know if he was angry, hurt, confused, or annoyed. But I knew he was thinking. I watched his large frame, his black pajama pants hanging low on his hips, walk across my bedroom, take my wide gray cushioned chair, and carry it to sit in front of my floor-length mirror.
“Come here,” he commanded, and I curled my toes, staying planted where I was.
When I didn’t budge, he softened his voice.
“Please?” he asked.
He planted himself in the chair and looked at me through the mirror, waiting.
He leaned back, slouching, with his legs about a foot apart. His chest glowed smooth in the barely lit room, and I had to lick my lips, because I was so thirsty all of a sudden.
This is ridiculous! I planted my hands on my hips, trying to look away but always reverting back to his gaze.
Okay, screw it.
I dropped my hands and walked over slowly, trying to look bored. Madoc took my wrist and led me around the front of the chair, yanking me down into his lap.
“Hey!” I argued, trying to stand up again, but his hands held my waist.
“Trust me.”
I huffed, but I stopped, if only to see where this was going.
“What do you want?” I snarled, inching my ass up his body, because straddling his thigh was . . . yeah.
“Look.” He tipped his chin up. “Look in the mirror. What do you see?”
“What do you mean?”
What the hell?
“Open your eyes!” he barked, and all of the hairs on my body shot up.
Shit. Yeah, you could never tell when Madoc was going to go from easy to scary, but it was always sudden.
Reaching around, he twisted my chin toward the mirror, and I sucked in a breath. “What do you see?!” he shouted.
“You and me!” I blurted out. “Madoc and Fallon!”
My heart was racing.
I looked at him through the mirror. I sat on one side of his lap, so he could see from the other side, and we stared at each other, my chest rising and falling more urgently.
“That’s not what I see,” he said in a low voice. “Those names mean nothing to me. They’re simple and empty. When I’m with you, I don’t see the daughter of a gold-digging bitch and an Irish drug lord or the son of a crooked lawyer and a vegan Barbie.”
I almost wanted to laugh. Madoc had an ironic way of looking at the world.
But he wasn’t smiling. He was scowling. He was dead serious, and I knew from experience that his genuine moments were few and far between.
He reached up, threading one hand into my hair while the other hand rested on the chair.
“I see everything I want for as long as I can have it,” he continued. “I see a woman that wears the cutest little scowl like she’s two years old and was just told she couldn’t have candy. I see a guy that went and got an apadravya piercing, because he wanted to live in her world for even a little while.”
I closed my eyes. Don’t do this to me, Madoc.
“I see a beautiful woman with a knockout body and the guy she drives insane with wanting her.”