“Huh?” She frowned. “What?”
“Penelope had no idea about us. No-one does.”
“Rhett, what did you want me to tell them? Did you want me to text my entire family to let them know we became friends with benefits?”
“No.” I sighed. “No, that’s not what I wanted.”
“So then what?” She glared, her eyes what. “What did you want? What do you want from me, Rhett? I’m doing this for you. I’ve gone along with your rules. I’m doing things as you like them. I’m accommodating you.”
“I want you to want more than that from me. I want you to want more.” I muttered and looked away from her.
“So you want me to be like every other girl?” She glared at me. “Look at me.” She grabbed my arms. “You want me to beg you to be with me. You want me to tell you I want more? Just so you can freak out and then run. You want me to lose my best friend cos you can’t stand that I’m giving you what you want?”
“I want more.” I shouted and we both froze in shock. “I don’t want you to be my friend with benefits.” I spoke softly and her eyes looked into mine with a glazed expression. “I want you to tell me that you’re not putting up with my shit. I want you to tell me that you want to be more than friends.”
“Why would I do that, Rhett?” She sighed. “I know that’s not what you want.”
“I want that.” I grabbed her hand. “I want to be more than friends. I want you to be my girlfriend.”
“You don’t do girlfriends.”
“I don’t want to lose you.” I shook my head. “I need you to…”
“Rhett, this is because I’m leaving.” She sighed. “You’re just saying this because you don’t want me to leave South Carolina.”
“Would you stay if you were my girlfriend?” I asked hopefully.
“No, Rhett.” She sighed. “That’s not a reason to ask me to be your girlfriend. You can’t offer to be my boyfriend, just so you can trap me.”
“What if I get you pregnant?” I half-joked. “We could go to my room right now. I’ll f**k you without protection and we’ll see what happens.”
“Rhett.” Her eyes glittered at me. “You do know how f**ked up that sounds right?”
“I know.” I sighed. “I don’t even know what to think anymore.”
“We’ll always be friends.” She sat down on the couch. “I promise.”
“I feel like I’m losing you.” I sat down next to her. “I can’t lose you.”
“You’ll never lose me.” She shook her head and turned towards me. “We’re friends forever.”
“I know.” I looked away. I felt like I had been kicked in the gut. I didn’t want to be friends forever. I wanted more than that. It hit me like a ton of bricks. For so many years, I’d been fooling myself. I was in love with Clementine O’Hara. I was in love with her and I wanted nothing more than to be with her. Forever. Just thinking the words scared me. Forever was a long time. Forever didn’t really exist. Forever was a word for saps, but all of a sudden it didn’t matter to me. I didn’t care about what was going to happen. I didn’t care that it could fail. I didn’t care that there was a possibility that I could lose her. I needed her like I needed the air to breathe. “Dumbass.” I mumbled to myself as I realized what a dumbass I’d been. I’d been so jealous of Elliott and every other guy that I couldn’t even think straight. I hadn’t know what to think or feel and I’d talked myself into believing it was just because I was being protective over her. I was being protective, but I also didn’t want another man to touch her or kiss her. It made me angry just thinking about her with another guy.
“Rhett.” She whispered and touched my arm softly. I closed my eyes and just sat there. All the happiest memories in my life were from times I’d had with Clementine. She’d been there through everything. She was my rock in ways I’d never even realized. She was the love of my life. She was my soulmate. She was everything to me. And she was moving away.
“So, I think I need to tell you something.” I opened my eyes slowly and looked into her eyes. She was gazing at me with such devotion that I was scared to even breathe. I knew in every fiber of my being that she loved me too. I knew then that sometimes, God did make miracles.
“Yes?” She asked softly and leaned towards me.
“So, I’ve been thinking…” I took a deep breath and was about to tell her I loved her when her phone rang.
“Hold on.” She groaned. “It might be Nanna, I told her I was going to check on you and call her to let her know you’re okay.”
“Okay.” I frowned, annoyed that my declaration was going to have to wait.
“Hello,” She answered with a smile on her face. Her eyes gazed into mine with a sweet expression. “Oh hi, Penelope.” She spoke and my heart stopped. “What’s up? Can I call you back? I’m here with Rhett.” She frowned then. “It can’t wait.”
Dear, God, no. was all I could think. I continued staring at her, and watched as her expression changed.
“Say that again?” Her voice rose and her expression changed. She looked at me for a second and I saw the shock and dismay in her expression. Shit! “What happened exactly?” Her voice was cold and she moved away from me. “I see. I’m sorry, I had no idea. Yes, he doesn’t care who he hurts.” She bit her lower lip and I knew then, that there was going to be no happy ending. “I don’t know why he does it, Penelope. I don’t know if he’s a sex addict. I’ve got to go.” She hung up the phone and put it into her purse slowly.
“So, you know?” I sighed after a few minutes of silence.
“I always wondered you know.” She turned towards me. “Not about you and Penelope of course, but if you could be faithful. I always wondered if we ever hooked up, if you could be faithful. I know we aren’t dating. I know that we’re not exclusive. I know that. But I thought I’d be enough.”
“We hooked up before you and I…” My voice faded as she held her hand up.
“The day before, Rhett. The day before.”
“It wasn’t like that.” I shook my head. “I don’t even like her. I’m not even attracted to her.”
“So that makes it better?” She laughed bitterly. “You don’t even have to be attracted to a girl to hook up?”
“We didn’t have sex.” I reached for her hands and she pulled away from me.
“I know.” She jumped up. “Does that make a difference?”
“I thought of you.”
“Oh that fixes everything then.” She glared at me. “You thought of me as she touched you. You thought of me when you attempted to…” Her voice cracked and tears streamed down her face. “How could you Rhett?”
“I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to hurt you.” I jumped up and tried to touch her, but she flinched.
“I gave myself to you. I trusted you. I would have done anything for you, Rhett.” She sobbed. “I can’t deal with this.”
“Please, can we talk?” My heart broke as she sobbed.
“I’m done talking. I’m done trying to make everything work for you.” She shook her head. “I’m over it, Rhett. You’re a selfish son-of-a-bitch. All you care about is yourself. I’ve tried. I’ve really tried. But you just never saw me as more than your friend. I’m the person that’s there when your lady friends are busy or you have nothing else to do.”
“That’s not true.” I shook my head. “You’re my everything, Clementine.”
“Oh shut the front door.” She shouted. “We both know that’s not true.”
“Shut the front door?” I smiled and she rolled her eyes at me.
“Whatever. I’m leaving.”
“Clementine.” I grabbed a hold of her. “Please.”
“Whatever, Rhett. Save it.” She shook her head. “I’m over it.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means I’m over it. I’m over you. This is just too much.” She sobbed. “Just thinking about you with, Penelope. I can’t believe it.”
“Please don’t think about it.” I grabbed ahold of her and tried to pull her towards me. “Clementine, please.”
“I’ve got to go, Rhett.” She ran to the front door. “I’ve got to go.”
“But, Clementine.” I shouted after her. “I love you.”
She didn’t even stop. She didn’t look back or hesitate as I shouted after her. It was as if my words meant nothing to her. It was as if, after all these years, she didn’t even care. How could she not care? I’d thought that was all she needed to hear. I thought my declaration of love would be enough. I thought that would change everything, but it meant nothing. It was too late. I’d figured it all out, too late.
Chapter Thirteen
Six Weeks Later
There’s a saying, you only know what you’ve got once you’ve lost it. I’m here to tell you that’s true. The last six weeks of my life have been shit. I’ve got a full-grown beard. My hair is unkempt, my eyes are bloodshot. I’ve lost weight. I look and feel like shit. I guess some people call what I’m going through heartbreak. I’m here to say, it feels more like heart extraction. My heart has been slowly and painfully pulled from my body. And that was why today, I knew I had to go and see her. I needed to get my shit together. Clementine’s rejection had made me realize just how many things I hadn’t been dealing with in my life.
I pulled up to the driveway and took a deep breath as I stepped out of the car. This time I didn’t hesitate. I didn’t feel sorry for myself. I didn’t think back to my childhood. I didn’t even feel sad. I knew what real heartache was like now. I walked up to the front-door with my shoulders squared and knocked on the door. I heard the dog running to the door and then it opened slowly.
“Rhett,” her eyes opened wide in surprise and she patted her hair down.
“Mom.” I nodded. “Can I come in?”
“Oh, sure.” She stepped back. “Sorry for the mess. I didn’t know you were coming. I tidied up last time cos your friend said you were coming, but she didn’t tell me this time.”
“She didn’t know.” I walked in and looked around. It was surprisingly clean and homey. It looked nicer than I thought it would. “It looks nice in here.”
“Thanks.” She smiled. “I try to keep it nice, just in case anyone drops by.”
“Yeah.” I frowned as I saw all the photos of the wall. “Is this me?” I walked up to the photos and stared at them in shock. There were photos of me and me and Clementine from kids all the way through to a few weeks ago. “Where did you get these?”
“Your friend Clementine sent them to me.” She smiled. “This is my favorite.” She walked over to a photo on her mantelpiece and handed it to me. “You both look so happy.” It was from high school graduation. We were both making faces at the camera. Our eyes were shining bright and our heads were pressed together as we stuck out tongues out. My arm was around her shoulder and she was grinning. We looked happy. Really happy. My heart hurt looking at the photo.
“I didn’t know she sent them.” I frowned.
“Her and her Nanna used to come visit me, once every couple of months.” She shrugged. “Make sure I was okay and give me updates on you.”
“I see.” I frowned. “I never knew that.”
“They used to say they wanted to update me on you, but I knew it was to make sure I was okay. They wanted me to contact you.” She sat on a chair. “They said you missed me and needed me, but I never knew what to say.”
“They asked you to contact me?” My breath caught. “I can’t believe they did that.”
“They love you.” She gave me a weak smile. “They wanted to see you happy.”
“I was always happy.” I lied.
“You don’t have to lie to me. I know I haven’t been the best mother.” She closed her eyes and covered her face. “I tried to stay sober, you know.”
“Yeah.” I nodded, unsure of what to say.
“They sent me flowers every Mother’s Day as well.” She sighed. “They tried to say it was from you, but I knew.”
“Yeah.” I looked away. How had I not known any of this?
“That Clementine loves you.” She gazed at me. “I used to think she was stupid. Doing so much for you. You didn’t even know. I used to feel bad for her. She was just setting herself up for heartache.” She sighed. “But I guess, that’s the beauty of love isn’t it? Doing stuff to make people happy, without them ever knowing.”
“I guess so.”
“She’s beautiful. She’s really grown into a beautiful girl.” She smiled at me. “I used to be beautiful too.”
“You’re still beautiful.”
“You’re just saying that.” She sighed. “I didn’t love as selflessly as she does. All her life she’s loved you.”
“Yeah.” I looked down. How had I not seen it? “I don’t get why she never told me?”
“I think she didn’t want to get your hopes up, if I never came through. I have a habit of bailing on people.”