"Well, I do not think so. And I still beg that you will help me
let this lodging and put away the things. And please do not be
angry with me. I am very, very grateful to you for all you have
done."
And, strangely, from the moment Nekhludoff realised that it was
he who was so bad and disgusting to himself, others were no
longer disgusting to him; on the contrary, he felt a kindly
respect for Agraphena Petrovna, and for Corney.
He would have liked to go and confess to Corney also, but
Corney's manner was so insinuatingly deferential that he had not
the resolution to do it.
On the way to the Law Courts, passing along the same streets with
the same isvostchik as the day before, he was surprised what a
different being he felt himself to be. The marriage with Missy,
which only yesterday seemed so probable, appeared quite
impossible now. The day before he felt it was for him to choose,
and had no doubts that she would be happy to marry him; to-day he
felt himself unworthy not only of marrying, but even of being
intimate with her. "If she only knew what I am, nothing would
induce her to receive me. And only yesterday I was finding fault
with her because she flirted with N---. Anyhow, even if she
consented to marry me, could I be, I won't say happy, but at
peace, knowing that the other was here in prison, and would
to-day or to-morrow he taken to Siberia with a gang of other
prisoners, while I accepted congratulations and made calls with
my young wife; or while I count the votes at the meetings, for
and against the motion brought forward by the rural inspection,
etc., together with the Marechal de Noblesse, whom I abominably
deceive, and afterwards make appointments with his wife (how
abominable!) or while I continue to work at my picture, which
will certainly never get finished? Besides, I have no business to
waste time on such things. I can do nothing of the kind now," he
continued to himself, rejoicing at the change he felt within
himself. "The first thing now is to see the advocate and find out
his decision, and then . . . then go and see her and tell her
everything."
And when he pictured to himself how he would see her, and tell
her all, confess his sin to her, and tell her that he would do
all in his power to atone for his sin, he was touched at his own
goodness, and the tears came to his eyes.