I turn to Adam and his nose bumps mine. I can feel the heat of his breath on my mouth and I want to kiss him—not just to make him forget about the question he just asked. I want to kiss him to burn the memory of his lips into my brain because I have a bad feeling everything is going to change after tonight.
“Can we talk about it after the show?” I ask, and my stomach clenches as I realize this is not a stall tactic. I’m ready to tell him. I will tell him everything.
He nods then plants a soft kiss on my lips. I set my glass of water down on the bar and throw my arms around his neck. I need to feel his warmth. He wraps his arms around my waist and chuckles in my ear.
The crowd behind me explodes with cheers and applause and I know what I’m going to see if I let go of Adam and turn around. I tighten my grip on his neck as my heart pounds against his.
“Claire, the show’s starting,” he says, his voice strained from how tightly I’m holding onto him.
I finally release my grip and he smiles down at me as he nods toward the stage. I close my eyes as I turn around.
You can do this. Just open your eyes and get it over with.
I slowly open my eyes and there he is.
Chapter Nineteen
Relentless Music
THE BLUE SPOTLIGHTS CAST A melancholy glow over the stage as Chris positions himself on his stool in front of the microphone. The drummer behind him is ready to go. It’s Jake. I turn to the guy holding the bass guitar on Chris’s right and I see Tristan. Jake and Tristan are Chris’s old band mates who he basically dumped to go solo last year. It seems they were able to set aside the colossal grudge they’ve been carrying to play this gig.
Chris finally looks up from his guitar and my heart flutters. He looks exactly the same as he did a year ago. The same messy brown hair; the same dark eyes that turn down slightly at the corners, giving him that lost puppy dog look; the same full lips I’ve kissed a million times. I can’t see if he still has the nose piercing, but I can see the light glinting off a new lip piercing. He’s even wearing a ratty black UNC hoodie he wore when we were together. I don’t know why I expected him to look different. I’ve been carefully avoiding his music videos and magazine articles, though I did read the Rolling Stone article only because it was in the employee restroom at the café for weeks and I was feeling a bit masochistic that day.
I glance around the room and everybody is so excited. You can feel the energy in the air shifting, as if everybody in this room is holding their breath waiting for those first few notes. The ticking sound of Jake’s drumsticks tapping the rim of the drum focus my attention back on the stage.
Finally, Chris brings his lips to the microphone and speaks in that soothing voice with just a hint of a rasp. “What’s up, Raleigh?”
The crowd cheers and some people shout back, “What’s up, Chris?”
I feel as if I’m fifteen again and watching him play on the living room floor for the first time when he played In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel. Chris was always light-years ahead of his band mates—an old soul. He loved classic rock and blues. He made me listen to Miles Davis’ greatest hits over and over until I could name each song just from hearing the first few notes. He was obsessed with music and that obsession made his dreams a reality.
A tear slides down my cheek as my heart swells with pride. I made the right decision breaking up with Chris. If he had stayed in Raleigh, none of this would have been possible.
The first notes of the song play and it’s an up-tempo song about a girl who writes love notes. This song is not about me and, though I know it shouldn’t matter, I really don’t want to imagine it’s about a real person.
Adam slips his arms around my waist and I smile as I lean my back into his chest. He kisses the top of my head as the song changes and I hear the first few notes of “Sleepyhead.” I clench my teeth together and take a deep breath. If I can make it through this, I can make it through the rest of the night. Adam deserves it.
“You’re shaking,” Adam says in my ear, and I can barely hear him over the music.
“I’m fine!” I yell, but I don’t turn my face toward him. I’m afraid he’ll see what I’m feeling.
I do still miss Chris. This is why I never watch MTV or listen to the radio. It’s why I deleted all his songs from my music collection and stashed everything that reminds me of him in boxes that are now collecting dust in Senia’s parents’ garage. I miss him. Every day.
I close my eyes and take another deep breath as he belts the chorus with so much emotion in his voice; it’s no wonder all these girls are in love with him.
Adam leans down and presses his lips to my ear. “Remember the excuse you gave me when you rejected my offer to take you on a date?”
I think about the day he almost ran me over with his truck when I was running away from the party, and Joanie, five weeks ago. I told him I couldn’t go to lunch with him because I was sleeping in late.
It dawns on me that he’s listening to “Sleepyhead” and thinking of that day.
I turn around and face him because I can’t watch Chris and listen to this song and listen to Adam say this all at the same time. Adam lifts my chin and his eyes search my face for something. He knows something is off, but he can’t quite figure it out. I force a smile, but he doesn’t look convinced. I guzzle down the rest of my glass of water and finally the song ends. I let out a deep sigh as I turn around again.
The rest of the set is comprised of songs I don’t think were inspired by me and a few covers. I’m feeling really good about myself for making it through the entire concert until the last song starts.
I’ve never heard the title track of Chris’s album, Relentless. The single hasn’t been released yet, but as soon as I hear the first few lines, I know it’s about us.
“We kissed under the trees, and talked about missing things. I wish I could have held you in; held in the heat of your breath; held onto you and I at our best.”
I do the one thing I think can save me from this moment. I spin around, pull Adam’s face to mine, and kiss him. Not a hard, hungry kiss, but a slow, sensual kiss. The kind of kiss that makes time stop and everything disappear. All I can feel is the curve of his mouth as it fits into mine. All I can smell is the faint hint of beer on his lips. All I can taste is the slightly sweet alcohol on his tongue.
“Having fun?” Joanie shouts.
“Ouch!” Adam yelps as I accidentally bite down on the tip of his tongue.
“Sorry!” I stroke his cheek and kiss the corner of his mouth, trying to ignore the fact that somewhere behind me Joanie is watching us.
“I’m okay,” he says, then licks my cheek to prove it.
“Ew!” I squeal and he laughs.
“Aren’t you two adorable?” Joanie yells into the back of my head.
She’s obviously drunk. I should ignore her, but I’m so tired of her shit. I turn around and look her in the eye so she knows I know she’s there. Then I turn back to Adam and kiss him—hard this time.
I can hear her cackling behind me and I break away before I round on her. “Fuck off, Joanie!”
“You sure moved on quickly. What would Chris think?”
I take a step forward to get in her face and Adam’s hands lock around my arms. “Chris and I aren’t together anymore!”
“You know what I’m talking about!”
The song ends and she smiles as she spins around, cups her hands over her mouth, and shouts, “CHRIS! CLAIRE GAVE YOUR BABY UP FOR ADOPTION!”
The room is dead silent as Chris’s eyes dart over the crowd toward Joanie’s voice and lock on me. I’m frozen. This can’t be happening.
Then Adam’s hands fall away from my arms and I know I’m alone. I’m more alone in this moment than I have ever been in my life, with the weight of hundreds of eyes pressing in on me.
Chapter Twenty
Relentless Decisions
BEFORE ANYBODY CAN STOP ME, I dart for the exit. I dodge Senia as she reaches for me, pushing aside anyone who gets in my way. I need to get out of here. I burst through the exit onto Blount Street and the rain pours down on me, giving new meaning to the name Pour House.
I glance up and down the street, trying to figure out which direction we came from the hotel, but I can’t see anything I recognize through the relentless rain. It doesn’t matter. I probably won’t be staying at the hotel tonight anyway. Adam won’t want anything to do with me after this.
I take off in the direction we came from the restaurant and race past Bida Manda. I’ve taken no more than ten steps before someone grabs my wrist and spins me around, but it’s not who I expect.
It’s Chris.
“Oh, God,” I whimper.
It’s happening. The day I’ve been dreading for almost a year.
“What the fuck?” he shouts, looking as confused as I felt the day I found out I was pregnant. “Claire, please tell me it’s not true.”
“I’m sorry,” I whisper over and over. “I’m so sorry.”
I’m only vaguely aware of the crowd forming around us. The hands are everywhere, reaching for me, reaching for him. Suddenly, we’re both being pulled away. My feet leave the pavement and I’m floating toward an open car door. I’m stuffed inside and the door is slammed shut. The tires squeal as the car drives off.
I look to my right and Chris is leaning forward with his hands clutching his hair. “How could you do this to me?”
“I was scared and I didn’t want to ruin your life.”
“After everything we went through.” He shakes his head, but he still won’t look at me.
I don’t know what’s worse, knowing that Chris knows or knowing that Adam knows and I can’t be there with him to explain.
“You need to take me back.”
“They’ll mob you.”
“I don’t care. My friends are there.”
He finally sits up and glares at me. “I don’t get it. We talked about having kids.”
“When we were older. Not now. We weren’t ready. You think if you’d had a choice you would have chosen to start a family and give up everything you’ve worked for?”
“I didn’t have a choice!”
The anguish in his voice makes the hair on my arms stand up and the tears come faster than the rain. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but I’m not sorry that you got to live your dream.” He watches the tears rolling down my face and I can feel him getting anxious. “I saw you tonight; all those girls screaming and crying for you. You can’t tell me you’d give all that up to be stuck with me in some fucking suburb in Raleigh with a mortgage and a screaming baby? That’s not what you wanted then and it’s definitely not what you want now.”
“You’re crazy if you think I’d rather have this.” He moves toward me and I don’t flinch when he takes my face in his hands and brushes the tears from my cheeks. Not even a little. “You don’t know me at all if you think I’d rather lose you and my child.”
The palms of his hands are warm against my damp skin, but his fingers are calloused from strumming those steel guitar strings. Suddenly, I’m back in my bedroom at the Knight house where Chris left me over a year ago.
“You know we’re both going to regret this,” he says as he cradles my face in his hands.
“I know, but I don’t care.”
He kisses me and my entire body relaxes as I lie back on my bed. This is what Chris and I are meant for and I need it just one more time before it’s over. I need to feel him moving inside me. I need to feel the weight of him on top of me. I need to feel safe with him one last time.
He lays his palms flat on either side of my head then runs his tongue over my top lip. A chill passes through me and pulses between my legs.