Reason to Breathe

“I fell –” I tried to explain.

“Don’t,” Evan urged. “I know. Without you or Sara telling me, I know. So, even if you can’t tell me the truth, don’t lie. Don’t defend them like it’s okay. Because it’s not. I won’t let them do that to you again. I’m just warning you, I’ll make you leave with me if I think that…”

“Evan,” I interrupted, “I’m okay. I promise. It’s been pretty tolerable since that day, actually. They barely even notice me anymore, and I get to spend the weekends at Sara’s. It used to be Saturday nights, but it’s evolved to Fridays as well. It’s not the same, so don’t talk like that. Okay?”

He didn’t respond.

“Okay?” I repeated, forcing him to look at me.

“Yeah,” he whispered.

I put my hand on his cheek, wanting him to believe me. He took my hand in his and kissed my palm, sending shivers up my arm.

“So we’re better?” I confirmed.

A warm smile spread across his face. “Yeah, we’re better.”

Evan leaned toward me again. This time, when he pressed his lips to mine, he stayed there. He slid me onto his lap as I put my arms around his neck. My heart convulsed in a flood of flutters, capturing my breath. His lips slowly slid against mine, parting in a gentle motion. I felt his hot breath against my lips, the flitter enraptured my head. I positioned my body to face him, straddling his legs. He pulled away and examined me with a smirk.

“What?!” I exclaimed, shocked by his withdrawal.

“It’s only my first day back.”

I bit my bottom lip with a guilty grin, color flooded my cheeks.

“Yeah,” I breathed, looking down. “Sorry.” I flipped my leg over and sat on the couch next to him again.

Evan laughed at my embarrassed retreat.

“Stop it,” I sulked, gently kicking his thigh with my foot. “I’ve waited for forever to kiss you.”

He laughed again. “You just surprised me, that’s all.” He continued to grin as he looked at his watch.

“We should get to Sara’s before she believes we did push each other out a window. That reminds me…”

“Don’t,” I begged, not wanting to reflect on Sara’s reference to my devastation. “Not now, okay?”

“Okay,” he agreed hesitantly, studying me more intently than I was comfortable with.

“What do you want to do tonight?” I asked with bright eyes, trying to deflect the serious moment. “A movie at Sara’s?”

“Are you going to fall asleep again?”

“Probably.”

I was asleep an hour into the movie. I didn’t remember falling asleep, with Evan laying behind me on the couch, his arm wrapped around my waist and my hand in his. I was actually convinced that I was going to make it through the entire drama when it started.

“I’m right here,” he whispered in confusion.

I shot up at the sound of his voice.

“Emma?”

I sat with my feet on the floor, gripping the cushion on either side of my legs with my heart racing. His hand gently brushed along my back.

“Are you okay?”

“You’re here?” I whispered in relief, squinting to look at him.

He examined my face in concern, gently wiping the tear from my cheek.

“Yeah, I’m here,” he soothed. A pained realization flashed across his face. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Still dazed from the abrupt arousal, I stared at him, uncertain if I was truly awake.

“Come here.” He pulled me down to lie on his chest, wrapping his warm arms around me as I drifted back to sleep.

I awoke the next morning in the same clothes as the night before. I sat up in a panic.

“Relax,” Sara urged from the bed next to me. “We’re going to see him tonight. I convinced him to go to a party with us.”

I lay back down with a relieved smile, her words confirming that I hadn’t been dreaming.

“I don’t remember going to bed,” I pondered.

“You had some help,” Sara explained with a grin. “I couldn’t wake you when I got home, so he carried you in here.”

My heart thrust to life as the image of Evan carrying me to bed flashed through my head.

“How was Maggie’s?” I asked Sara, rolling on my side to face her.

“Good,” Sara replied dismissively. “So… what happened? I’ve been waiting for you to wake up for a half hour. I was going to jump on your bed if you didn’t wake soon. Did he finally kiss you?”

“Sara!”

“Finally!” she concluded, not needing my confirmation. “How was it?”

“Stop it,” I insisted.

“That good, huh?”

“Would you stop assuming things without my answers,” I demanded with wide eyes.

“Are you going to answer?”

I smiled, deliberating if I could say it out loud.

“Stop beaming and give me details. You swore a million years ago that it never happened if you didn’t tell me.”

She got me there.

“Fine,” I conceded with a sigh, sitting up against the pillow and crossing my legs. “Yes, we kissed. Actually I think he kissed me before I completed a sentence.”

“No way!” Sara exclaimed. “And…”

“I don’t think I can find the right words to describe it,” I said pensively. “It was better than I could have ever thought possible.”

“Figures,” Sara stated with an exaggerated breath. “It only took you forever to give in to it. If you’d listened to me, you would have found out before the soccer season was over.”

“Thanks, Sara,” I shot back sarcastically, throwing a pillow at her.

“What was the talk about?” Sara inquired, determined to hear everything.

“Basically both of us taking blame for his leaving,” I replied. Then I continued to sum up the details, not wanting to think about the awkwardness of the conversation too much.

Sara laughed when I told her how I reacted when he asked about Drew - and what we didn’t do.

“What is it with the two of you, finding humor in my horror?”

“I guess we both know how you react in awkward situations, and it can be pretty funny. Sorry.” She smirked. “What’s going to happen now?”

“Well, we agreed that we’re okay, and he’s staying. We didn’t have the relationship conversation if that’s what you mean, and honestly, I don’t think that’s something I need to have with Evan.”

“Because he’s already told you he loves you, right?”

My face reddened as I suppressed a smile.

“Right,” she confirmed.

“So what did you say we were doing tonight?” I asked, interrupting her from answering her own questions.

“You and I are going shopping today,” she explained. I groaned. “Stop,. My mother’s given us both gift cards for the mall. I figured it was time you owned your own pink sweater.”

I grinned in agreement.

“And then we’re going to Alison Bartlett’s party. It’s supposed to be pretty big, just to warn you.”

“Great,” I grunted, but I was slightly comforted when she confirmed that Evan was picking us up so that we could all go together.

As Sara was contorting my hair into a loose curly knot at the base of my neck, I considered, “Sara, you haven’t mentioned an interest in anyone lately. What’s going on with you?”

“I don’t know,” she remarked with a sigh. “I’m tired of the games, I guess. I don’t think I’m going to find a guy in our school. That reminds me, we’re going to New York next weekend. We’re staying with my cousin at Rutgers and driving to Cornell for the day on Saturday. Coach called my parents about meetings for you. So, who knows, maybe I’ll meet a college guy!”

“We’re what?!” I choked.

“Sorry, I forgot to mention it. Your uncle thinks my parents are coming. They’re not, so don’t say anything to get caught in a lie.”

I gawked at her in disbelief.

Sara added with a heavy breath before I could even think it, “Don’t worry. Evan’s meeting us in the city Saturday night. I asked him last night.”

“I didn’t say anything,” I defended with a smile.

“You didn’t have to,” she said, rolling her eyes. “Em, I’m glad Evan’s back - you know that, right?”

“Yeah,” I replied cautiously, concerned by her tone.

“I want to make sure that you’re going to be okay if Carol and George find out.”

“I dated Drew without them finding out,” I stated, not understanding what she was worried about.

“That was different,” she tried to explain. “It’s harder for you to hide it when you’re with Evan. It’ll be obvious to anyone who sees you that there’s something going on with you – you’re glowing. So, I need to know that it’s going to be okay?”

Sara’s nervousness caused me to hesitate before answering. It was going to be okay, wasn’t it? I had to believe it would be.

“I hope so,” I answered honestly. “Sara, I listened to what you told me that time at Janet’s, about why you decided to go out with Jared, and I think I need to do the same thing. I’d rather be with Evan, knowing it may cause me some stress at home, than to never have this chance to be with him.”

“It’s different for you,” she responded, still concerned. “You’re risking a lot if Carol finds out.”

“I’ll survive,” I promised. She didn’t appear satisfied with my answer but remained silent.

“You’re not going to fight this and make it hard for me, are you?” I questioned.

“No,” she said with a warm smile. “I’m happy for you – honestly. So, let’s go. Let’s let everyone know Evan’s back and that you two are finally together.”

“Yay,” I groaned, as we walked down the stairs. “That’s exactly what I want tonight to be about.”

30. Life of the Party

A vibrant smile emerged on Evan’s face when we neared the bottom of the stairs. I couldn’t help but smile in return.

“That’s definitely my favorite sweater,” Evan confessed when I reached the bottom step.

“I told you!” Sara exclaimed, referencing my hesitation to purchase the pink sweater with a swooping neck line that was mimicked by a low back. The heat on my face crept to my ears and down my neck.

While we were putting on our coats, Evan asked Sara, “Do you mind if Emma and I go for a quick walk before we go? I have to ask her something.”

Sara flashed me a glance and answered, “Sure. Come get me when you’re ready.”

My heart was paralyzed in my chest, unable to think of what else he might want to know. My fear was justified when the question left his mouth.

“So, the nightmares…” he remarked quietly. “That’s what Sara was talking about yesterday, huh?”