Reason to Breathe

I lowered my head to his chest before my legs gave out. He kept his arms wrapped around me, resting his chin on the top of my head, while I listened to his accelerated heartbeat and deep breaths. I wiped an escaped tear from my eye, trying to remember how to breathe.

“That was worth waiting for,” he whispered and then added with sarcasm, “Missed me, huh?”

I looked up at his perfect smile and replied with a smirk, “I survived.”

“I heard.”

I pulled away and eyed him suspiciously.

“I still have friends here.” He shrugged. Just then, the bell rang, declaring the end of the school day. “What do you want to do? Do you have to go home?”

“I’m actually staying over at Sara’s tonight.”

“You are?” Evan confirmed, raising his eyebrows with a deliberate grin. “Do you think Sara will mind if I kidnap you for a couple of hours?” He casually leaned against the doorway, as I went to the sink to scrub his handprint from my face.

My heart stuttered.

“Um, I think she’ll be fine,” I replied, turning to face him. “What are you thinking?”

“We have to talk. I mean, I couldn’t have asked for a better way to be welcomed back, but I have some things I need to say before there are any more misunderstandings.”

I winced. Couldn’t we have left it at the perfect welcome? My stomach twisted, fearful of what he needed to say. I could only imagine; although it couldn’t be worse than what I’d been saying to myself since he left.

“So, you’re back?” I confirmed cautiously.

“Yeah,” he grinned. “We’ll talk about it.”

“Great,” I huffed, zipping my sweatshirt to conceal the blue hand prints and smear of green paint.

Evan laughed. “Don’t be so nervous. I’m here, right?” He grabbed my hand, the warmth from his touch spread up my arm.

The halls were sparsely occupied, since most people had already left. The shocked eyes of those remaining followed us as we traced the familiar route to my locker.

“Mathews!” a few guys yelled out in recognition. Evan nodded in acknowledgment, continuing to walk beside me. I think I was as shocked as everyone else to see him next to me. His firm grasp of my hand was the only thing keeping me from believing that I was dreaming the entire thing.

“So, he found you,” Sara observed when we neared our lockers. “I was getting concerned that you threw each other out the window or something - but I can see that didn’t happen.” She eyed our interlocked hands with a small smile.

“We’re going…” I started. “Where are we going?” I looked to Evan for the answer.

“We need to talk,” he explained. “So, can I bring her back to your house in a couple of hours?”

“My parents are going out again. You can stay and hang out with us tonight if you want. That is if you don’t say anything that’s going to devastate her more than she’s already been for the past three months.”

Evan’s shoulders shot back as he received the blow. I stared at Sara with my mouth open, shaking my head in disbelief.

“What?!” she shot back. “I’m just saying…”

“Enough,” I finished, “more than enough!”

I glanced at Evan; he looked pale. I turned to my locker to gather my books before he could see the truth of her words on my face.

“I’ll see you later then?” Sara confirmed in her pleasant voice.

“Sure,” I replied dismissively, still in shock from her honesty.

Sara walked down the hall, leaving Evan and I alone.

“What did she mean by that?” Evan asked slowly.

“She’s just being ridiculous.” I wanted him to dismiss her words, but they lingered uncomfortably.

“Huh,” he exhaled. “I guess it wasn’t any better for you here.”

I didn’t understand what he meant and looked to him for translation.

“We’ll talk about it,” he assured me. “Ready?”

“Sure,” I said, closing my locker, his assurance filling me with dread.

Evan took my hand again and escorted me to his car. I didn’t say much during the ride, too consumed with the pending “talk”. I wasn’t completely surprised when we pulled into his empty driveway. I couldn’t think of another place to give us the privacy we needed for our confessional.

I turned to him in the car before he opened his door.

“Can’t I just enjoy that you’re here for one day before we make it uncomfortable?”

Evan found my plea amusing. Of course he did.

“I need to do this. I’ve had three months to obsess over this conversation, so I need to say what I have to say.” He flashed a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry; it’ll be better once we talk.”

I wasn’t convinced.

I followed him into his house. I was confused when he kept walking down the hall and up the stairs to his room. I hesitated before entering his bedroom. Evan stood at the end of his neatly made bed, waiting for me.

“I wanted you to see that I’m really here.”

I glanced around the room and noticed the shelves were full of books and other personal belongings. I didn’t see any taped boxes.

“I’m completely unpacked.”

With that, Evan walked out of the room. I continued to follow him through the house and into the barn. My stomach was tangled in nerves when I sat down to face him on the couch. I slid my shoes off and leaned back against the arm of the couch, resting my chin on my knees. I hugged my knees to my chest, prepared for whatever it was we had to talk about.

“What I have to say goes beyond the three months I was gone,” he began, playing with the seam of the cushion nervously. “I should have said something the month we weren’t talkng before I left.” He hesitated and then focused on my eyes. He let out a breath and pressed his lips together. I waited anxiously, barely breathing.

“I love you.”

My heart pounded loudly, having never been told those three words.

“I didn’t handle things right. I shouldn’t have gotten mad at you like that, and I’m sorry. I said some things I didn’t mean, and I pushed you away. I practically hand delivered you to Drew Carson, which killed me.”

I opened my mouth to disagree, but he continued before I could get a word out.

“I know I did, Emma. Don’t feel bad about it. But what was worse than that was when I was waiting in the hospital, not knowing. I can’t get the image of you motionless on the gym floor out of my head.”

I shifted my gaze, unable to look into his pained eyes. I mindlessly picked at my jeans with shaking hands.

“It was the worst moment of my life. And then when you wouldn’t see me…” Evan paused to take another breath. I glanced up at him, watching him run his finger along the seam of the couch again. “I knew I’d really screwed up. If I couldn’t be there for you… if you didn’t want me to be there for you, then I couldn’t be here at all. So I left.

“But I couldn’t do it. I’d still talk to some of the guys, and you’d come up every once in a while when they talked about what happened over the weekend. They’d mention they saw you at a party or they’d talk about basketball. They knew we were close, so they’d bring you up – and I wanted to hear about you. Well… except for that one time.”

My eyes shot up and my stomach turned. He didn’t look at me.

“Are you over him?”

“Drew?” I confirmed in disbelief.

“Yeah.”

I released a brief humorless laugh, to his surprise. “Yeah, I’m completely over Drew.”

“Didn’t he end things with you?” Evan questioned, still perplexed.

“I let people think what they wanted,” I confessed, meeting Evan’s blue eyes. “Like someone else I know.”

He obviously didn’t understand what I meant.

“I ended things… well, actually you did,” I stated, thinking better of it. I knew Evan still wasn’t following. It was my turn to explain. “It became obvious I wasn’t over you.”

“So you didn’t…” Evan examined me cautiously, not knowing how to finish the sentence. My eyes widened in shock, knowing exactly what he was asking.

“Have sex with him?! No!” I declared, aghast with color rushing to my face.

“Sorry,” he said with a relieved smile. “I just heard…”

I sighed. “Yeah, along with the rest of the school. That was horrible.”

Evan let out a brief laugh.

“It’s great that you can still find humor in my social catastrophes,” I snapped.

“Sorry. I was just imagining your face when you found out what people thought you’d done,” he said with a chuckle. “It probably looked a lot like what I just saw, actually.”

He let out another quick laugh. I tried to force a scowl, but I was having a hard time keeping a straight face.

“He wasn’t your fault,” I said softly, suddenly more serious than I wanted to be. Evan quietly listened. “I was angry. I assumed things. I thought I saw more than there actually was between you and Haley…”

“I...” Evan started.

“I know,” I interrupted, “and I’m sorry for ever thinking you were interested in her. So much wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t… I thought you hated me.”

Evan’s eyes got wider, alarmed by my words.

“I thought I forced you away when you saw me with Drew. I thought you couldn’t stand to be near me,” I whispered, fiddling with my jeans again. “I hated what I’d done, and I was so furious with myself. I could only imagine what you must have felt. I’m so sorry.” I blinked away the tears welling in my eyes, recalling how my rage in the bathroom had continued internally since that day.

Evan slid down the couch, and drew my bent knees across his lap. He forced me to look into his reflective blue eyes.

“I didn’t hate you,” he stated softly. “I could never hate you.”

He leaned in and gently pressed his lips to mine. It took me a moment to find my breath after he pulled away.

“So what now?” I whispered.

“I’m here, with you… if you want me,” he offered with a soft smile. I shoved his arm. “What?! I just wanted to be sure.”

“Of course I want you,” I shot back.

Evan smiled.

“Then there’s just one more thing.” His tone became serious. “I know that you won’t tell me what happens at home. I was wrong to try to force you, and I was wrong about what I said to you. You are so much stronger than I ever thought you were. I get why it’s hard for you to talk about it. Sara told me that you don’t even talk to her about it most of the time. But I know…”

I was having a hard time listening to his words. Ice began to build up in my stomach. I wished he hadn’t brought it up.

“And even if you won’t, or can’t, tell me – I know. I do have to tell you that I can’t ever sit in a hospital waiting room again.”