Reason to Breathe

I set the bowls of chips on the table and intercepted Drew’s view of the television screen while he flipped through movie titles. Reluctantly he looked up at me. I moved closer and straddled his legs, hovering above him. He raised his eyebrows in reaction to my forwardness.

“I want to be with you,” I whispered, looking down at him. I placed my hands on the back of his neck, running my fingers into his hair. “But I’m just not ready.”

He looked at me in confusion, obviously expecting a different answer. He was about to slide out from under me when I quickly added, “Right now - but, soon.” I didn’t know why I lied to him. It was easier than admitting the truth.

I leaned down and firmly pressed my lips against his. Before I could pull back, he had his hands on my back and he quickly flipped me over onto my back so that his body was on top of mine and my legs were wrapped around him. He continued to search for my lips as my breathing quickened. He tried to roll me on my side, but the momentum forced us to roll off the couch and onto the floor.

I started laughing, deflating the intensity, as he groaned beneath me. He looked up at me and smiled. I pushed myself off of him and slid back on the couch as the voices of the guys with Sara and Jill neared the top floor.

During the movies, Drew and I laid on oversized pillows on the floor, in direct sight of everyone, so he couldn’t get away with too much. Everyone else was scattered on the couch and loveseat, making comments about the pathetic girls wandering alone in the dark and warning the guys to look behind them right before they were slaughtered. I had my head propped against Drew’s taut stomach while he played with my hair. I fell asleep during the middle of the second movie.

“Evan?” the voice asked, crashing from my nightmare back to reality.

I shot up and looked around the dark room. I woke on the floor, under a blanket and tried to place where I was. I was in Sara’s entertainment room I realized - then I remembered watching the movies.

I felt him sit up next to me. I knew in that moment what had happened, and I was afraid to turn around. I wiped the tears from my eyes and slowly faced him. He looked exactly how I feared – hurt and confused. But he also looked pissed, and I wasn’t expecting that. I stared at him, trying to calm my quickened pulse, but it remained heightened with the silent confrontation.

“Nightmare?” he finally asked.

I nodded, preparing for what was next.

“About Evan?” he bit. I looked down, unable to meet his eyes.

“I get it now,” he whispered in agitation. I glanced at him as he shook his head slowly.

“Drew,” I pleaded. He stood to put his shoes on and grabbed his jacket. I couldn’t find the words to make him stay. The truth was… I didn’t want him to stay.

I remained on the floor, watching him disappear down the stairs. That’s when I noticed Sara on the couch wrapped in the arms of an unconscious guy. Sara peered over the arm of the couch with sympathetic eyes, having heard everything. I looked away.

~~~~~

“You did much better than I thought you would while we were in San Francisco,” Sara complimented on our flight back from California. “I was waiting for you to lose it.”

I was relieved I’d been so convincing. In actuality, I searched the face of every guy we passed, hoping to see him.

“I almost called him,” I confessed, unable to look at her.

“I’m not surprised, but he wasn’t there.” My mouth dropped open as I turned to stare at her. “He’s snowboarding in Tahoe with some friends for the week.”

“How do you know?”

“I asked Jared,” she confessed. “I called him when I found out we were staying in San Francisco for a few days, thinking maybe we could bump into Evan so you could get some closure. Don’t worry; Jared promised not to tell him.”

I didn’t know what to say. When I thought about it, I wasn’t exactly surprised that Sara did this.

I tried so hard not to think about him, but it was impossible not to when we were right there. It ate at me that he was so close and I could possibly see him at any moment. I picked up my phone probably a million times and hit 5. Every time I saw the preprogrammed Evan displayed on the screen, I’d hit Cancel. Now those agonizing moments of trying to decide if I could push the Send button didn’t matter at all. He wasn’t even in San Francisco.

“Speaking of closure,” Sara continued, “what are you going to say to Drew?”

“I have to say something, don’t I?”

“Yeah, you can’t avoid him forever. The school isn’t that big.” After a pause, she asked nervously, “You are over, aren’t you?”

I let out a short laugh. “Don’t worry, Sara, I won’t continue torturing you. You don’t have to pretend to like him anymore. It’s over.”

“I did like him,” she said, then thought better of it. “You’re right, I didn’t like him. Mostly because I didn’t –“

“Like me with him,” I finished. “I know.”

“He wasn’t right for you.”

“I know,” I answered honestly. “Drew is that guy. I’m pretty sure he would’ve broken up with me when he realized he wasn’t going to get anything. I think it’s pretty obvious we’re over.”

“You still need to tell him,” Sara urged. I didn’t know what I was going to say. The unavoidable talk was weighing on me more than I wanted to admit.

But there ended up being no need to worry after all. The whole school knew we were over before we’d even returned from California. I found out when I heard, “I can’t believe Drew dumped you for Katie,” as soon as I walked into school on Monday. Jill stared at me waiting for my reaction. She wasn’t expecting me to laugh.

It took a few weeks, but the rumors simmered, and I was able to return to my evolving world without any more distractions. Although the rhythm had changed since the beginning of the year, I was content with its predictability, and part of that was being alone – which I readily accepted. I also accepted the silence in the house when I retreated to my room each night.

I kept waiting for Carol to react in some way to my trip to California. But all I heard when I returned from Sara’s was about the trip George had surprised her with to Bermuda. I had a feeling George hadn’t told her about California. I had no problem putting up with her gloating; it didn’t leave bruises.

I concentrated on my classes, continuing to push myself to meet my overachieving expectations. I performed on the basketball court, helping our team finish the regular season with only one other loss. I laughed with Sara more than I used to, now that we were “weekend sisters,” as she liked to refer to us.

Even the pain that murmured in my chest and the nightmares that continued to wake me became a predictable part of my existence. I accepted them, and I moved on – I was still surviving.

29. Flutter

“Still not doing a very good job fading,” his voice said from behind me.

The paintbrush froze in my hand mid-stroke and started shaking. My heart stopped in my chest. I didn’t know if I could turn around to face him.

I forced my legs to swing around to the other side of the stool.

“Hi.” He smiled. My heart released a brief flutter.

“Hi,” I whispered, forcing myself to breathe.

“When you weren’t in the caf, I figured you’d either be here or the Journalism room.”

I could only nod, searching for my voice.

“What are you doing here?” I forced the words from my mouth. My question was barely audible since I still wasn’t breathing properly.

“Looking for you,” he answered with his familiar grin. My heart picked up its pace, filling my cheeks with a rush of color. All I could do was stare into his blue eyes, afraid that if I looked away, he’d be gone. Please convince me I wasn’t hallucinating.

“Sorry to hear that the basketball team lost in the semi’s,” he offered casually. He’s talking about basketball? I definitely wasn’t hallucinating.

“Thanks,” I said, forcing my lips to resemble a smile. Come on brain, don’t fail me now – say something!

“Not sure what to say, huh?” He smirked, amused by my inability to form a cohesive sentence.

“I’m glad I can…” I threw my hands in the air, forgetting that I had a paintbrush in my grasp, the green paint flung across his grey t-shirt. He looked down at the streak with wide eyes. I held my breath, pressing my lips together. A stifled laugh escaped from behind my pursed lips. Then I started laughing harder.

“That’s funny, huh?” I bit my lower lip, still smiling. “Let’s see if you think this funny.” He leaned over my table and rubbed blue paint on his hands. Realizing his intention, I jumped off the stool to escape retaliation.

“Evan, don’t,” I pleaded.

I rounded the corner toward the dark room when he caught me around the waist, leaving blue hand prints on my shirt. When he grabbed me, he didn’t let go. Evan turned me to face him. Still smiling, I connected with his blue eyes, unaware he was pulling me closer. Just before I registered what was happening, my heart ignited, fluttering franticly. My head swirled in a rush. He placed his damp hand on my cheek and leaned down toward me.

A paralyzing charge flashed through my body when his firm lips touched mine. I inhaled his clean scent, allowing the tingling to run through my head. When he slowly pulled away, his eyes searched mine cautiously. I blinked through the buzz, trying to steady myself.

“Emma?” Ms. Mier’s voice rang from around the corner.

Evan raised his eyebrows in surprise then slipped by me, toward the dark room. I attempted to sober up before responding.

“Hi, Ms. Mier,” my voice cracked, stepping around the corner to meet her. My face was hot with embarrassment.

“Oh, hi,” she said with a smile of surprise. With the smile still lingering, she gathered some papers from her desk. “I needed to get a few things. Could you please lock up when you leave today?”

“Sure,” I agreed quickly.

She smiled wider.

“That’s a good color on you,” she acknowledged.

My face grew even hotter, if that was possible. I looked down at the hand prints on my white shirt.

“No, the red I mean.”

My eyes widened. I watched her walk to the door and turn the lock.

Before closing the door behind her, she glanced at me and said, “Tell Mr. Mathews I said welcome back.”

I nearly fell over. I stood there for a moment, uncertain what to do next. I decided not to think about it anymore and to do what I should have done three months ago.

I walked into the dark room. Evan was drying his hands next to the sink. I closed the door behind me and leaned against it, unable to move. He threw the paper towel in the basket and looked up, hesitating for a second.

My chest moved with an exaggerated breath. My heart beat frantically against my shirt. He read exactly what I wanted him to in my widened eyes and stepped toward me. I wrapped my arms around his neck, and he pulled me into him. I stood on my toes, extending myself to find him. He held me closer as his lips parted, and I felt the warmth of his breath. My heart released a surge that caught my breath when I felt his soft tongue. His lips were firm but gentle, pressed against mine in a slow, breathless rhythm. Tiny sparks flew through my head and down my spine - my legs trembled beneath me.