Reason to Breathe

My breath escaped in gasps as he slipped under the covers, and I could feel him so much closer. I tasted the salt along his neck, my lips finding the spot below his ear. His breath accelerated, and he pushed harder against me, sliding his hand under the back of my tank top. A sobering shock tried to wake me when his tensed body pressed into me, warning me to slow down.

Drew ran his other hand along the back of my thigh and stopped under my knee, hitching it around him. The excited warmth racing through me collided with the sobering alarm going off in my head. I pulled away and took a breath, trying to listen. He held himself over me, looking down in attempt to understand my withdrawal. He leaned in to kiss me again, but I turned my head.

“Need a minute,” I explained.

“Yeah,” he sighed, pushing off me and sitting on the edge of the bed.

He turned toward me and asked, “Do you want me to leave?” His green eyes searched mine eagerly. I grinned and shook my head.

I interrupted him as he was about to pull back the blanket, “But you should.” He nodded slowly, his eyes sinking with disappointment.

“Goodnight,” he offered, leaning forward to kiss me.

“I think you did that already,” I replied with a grin, stopping him before he got too close. “Goodnight.”

Drew slowly stood and went to the door. He looked back at me one final time, hesitating long enough for me to consider changing my mind, before he closed it behind him.

Waiting for my pulsing body to recover, I couldn’t even think about sleeping.

Just as I was falling asleep, a thud on the door stirred me. Sara was adamantly saying good night presumably to the local guy she just met. I wanted to slink under the covers when I heard her sliding against the door with heavy breaths and moans. After a few more low thuds, Sara finally entered with a promise to call him. I had my back to her and feigned sleep. I’d heard enough of the details of her night and really didn’t want to talk about mine, so I didn’t respond when she asked if I was awake. Eventually, sleep found me.

~~~~~

In the early hours of the morning, I was confronted with the same images of Evan on the cliff. This time I saw his face before I fell, and he looked so angry. I pleaded with him as he drifted away.

“Em?” Sara groaned half asleep. “Are you crying?”

The room was dark, with daylight hidden behind custom blinds. I lay in the bed, my enlarged eyes frantically searching around the unfamiliar room. The tears slid along my temples, and sweat pasted the sheet to my body. I eased up to sit, my heartbeat slowing to its intended pace.

“You called out his name,” Sara stated, rolling onto her side to look at me.

“Who’s name?”

“Evan’s.”

The sadness of the dream returned to me. I wiped the tears from my face.

“You miss him, don’t you?”

I didn’t say anything.

“You could always call him, you know.”

I shook my head. “No I can’t,” I whispered. I got out of bed and entered the bathroom, closing the door behind me.

28. The Truth

Somehow I lived through the rumors of what didn’t happen between Drew and me. I was mortified when one of the girls from the basketball team asked, in front of everyone in the locker room, if Drew and I had sex at Kelli’s. Jill tried to defend me, and it worked for the most part with my teammates, but it didn’t have the same result with the rest of the school. No one else asked me to my face, but I heard the whispers when I walked down the halls. Sara’s urging me to “just ignore them” only confirmed what they were whispering about.

I wasn’t invisible anymore, and there was no point in trying to fade away again. More people recognized my promotion in the social hierarchy and were bold enough to try to talk to me. At first it was just small talk, to which I awkwardly responded with short answers. Then I was invited to parties and out with a group of people I would never have known if they hadn’t approached me. I always deferred to Sara to plan our weekends.

I remained trepidatious with my ghostly comings and goings through the house. I didn’t know how long my absence was going to be accepted without an explanation of where I was coming from and going to. My stomach still dropped at the sound of her voice, anticipating the moment she’d notice me again. But as the month progressed, I was still just an occupant in their home, without any expectations besides the Saturday morning chores.

I missed seeing Leyla and Jack. I heard their voices in the distance, but rarely saw them. I convinced myself that this was better for them - that way there wouldn’t be a chance of my world disrupting theirs again. It made the hurt more bearable, especially when I’d hear Leyla’s excited stories from behind the closed door of my room.

During the first week of February, Anna and Carl announced that they were taking Sara and I to California during our school break to visit colleges. My coach arranged meetings with a few schools that were interested in me. Carl spoke with George to approve the trip, which I’m sure raked under Carol’s skin. I hoped retribution wasn’t waiting for me when we returned.

Sara was beyond excited with thoughts of us going to college together in California. I was thrilled as well, doing everything to ignore the fact that we were going to be in the same state – actually staying in the same city - as Evan.

His nightly hauntings became less frequent. I would think I finally escaped him, just to cry out in the night, propelled back to the dark bedroom sobbing. Sara stopped asking about the nightmares. She’d silently watch me recover from the bed across from me.

It was hard to heal when I saw my brokenness in streaks of red and orange displayed on the wall of the Art room. Ms. Mier praised that it was my best piece yet and said she was proud of my honesty. I absorbed her words without reaction. I’d hoped that releasing it on the canvas would help me move on, but I knew I was never going to put him behind me.

I allowed my heart to remain silent. It continued to ignore Drew’s touch. But I embraced the warmth he ignited within the rest of me and the enrapturing swirls of excitement that clouded my head whenever we had a moment alone together.

It was easy to get lost in the breathing and kissing. But over time, the urgency increased. His hands wandered more, seeking the touch of my skin, gradually inching up or down. I felt like I was constantly redirecting his creeping hands and trailing lips. He wouldn’t say anything, but I knew he was hoping I’d just give in and stop resisting. Instead of talking about it, I started to avoid being alone with him.

My evasiveness roused a wave of guilt. I tried convincing myself that it was because I wasn’t ready, and it had nothing to do with Drew. We didn’t have another conversation about our relationship after Kelli’s party. We never discussed our feelings or expectations.

I took what we had at face value. We liked to be around each other. We easily found something to talk about, and he still made me laugh without much effort. The public affection and the moments of breathlessness confirmed our attraction to each other. So what was there to talk about?

“You still like me, right?” Drew asked while we sat on the couch in Sara’s entertainment room. Sara and Jill had gone to the store, and we were waiting for a couple of Drew’s friends to arrive for a night of horror movies. We had decided to stay in since our flight left for California first thing in the morning.

“Of course I do,” I answered in alarm, my stomach dropping at the unprovoked question. I gently pushed his foot with mine as I sat facing him on the couch with my back against the arm. “Where did that come from?”

Drew shrugged, but remained serious. I tried to connect with him, to make him smile, but he avoided looking at me. I was so confused.

“So, why don’t you want to be alone with me anymore?” he asked after a moment of silence.

I sat up straighter, suddenly fearing where this was going.

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“You seem to always find an excuse. If you like me, then why don’t you want to be with me?”

I didn’t respond, knowing what he was really asking

Drew leaned forward and grabbed my calves, pulling me across the couch, draping my legs over his. He put his arms around my waist and inched me closer until our faces were less than a foot apart. The entire move happened so quickly, I didn’t have time to react.

“I want more from you,” he stated softly, gently brushing his lips against mine. “I want you to want me too. I want you to need to be with me as much as I need to be with you.”

He pressed his lips to mine, lingering. I could feel his breath quicken. I listened in shock to what he was really asking me, too panicked by his words to feel his lips.

“I know you want me,” he whispered, our lips inches apart.

When I still didn’t kiss him, he pulled his head back to look me in the eye. Concern washed over his face.

“You don’t?” he asked cautiously, slowly sitting back against the arm of the couch.

I couldn’t answer. My hesitation caused him to narrow his eyes, examining my stunned face. He looked away, not liking what he saw.

“Hey!” Jill exclaimed when she and Sara reached the landing.

I quickly pushed myself off of his lap and scooted to the other side of the couch. Drew forced a smile to greet Sara and Jill. Jill began loading the small upstairs fridge with beers. I stood from the couch and offered to help get things together in the kitchen. Sara tossed Drew the remote and told him he was in charge of picking the first movie.

“What happened?” she asked, sensing my mood change.

“He pretty much just asked me to have sex with him,” I responded quietly as I dumped a bag of chips in a bowl.

“No way!” Sara exclaimed in shock. “What did you say?”

“I couldn’t answer him,” I confessed guiltily.

“You didn’t say anything?”

“I was trying to figure out what the answer was when you two arrived.”

“So now he thinks you don’t like him at all, right?”

“I told him I liked him,” I explained. “But he said he wanted more from me.”

“Are you ready for this? With him?”

“I like him. But…” I shrugged.

Sara smirked, and said, “I know.”

“What should I do?”

“Just treat him like you normally would, and try to avoid being alone with him for now. But you have to talk to him about it eventually. He’s going to see right through you anyway when you keep rejecting him, and it won’t matter.”

I was confused. “What do you mean?”

She smiled. “If you don’t know what I’m talking about, then I can’t tell you.”

“Sara,” I pleaded, “you’re not making any sense. What are you talking about?”

“Here, bring these bowls of chips upstairs, and kiss him or something so it’s not awkward all night.”

Jill entered the kitchen, and I hesitated before grabbing the bowls from Sara’s hands, still trying to decipher her message. I climbed the stairs slowly, figuring out how to approach Drew. I decided aggressive and direct was best.