Reason to Breathe

“I don’t drink,” I shrugged apologetically.

“That’s fine,” he acknowledged, setting down the bottle. “I don’t have to either.” Then he kissed me softly on the lips, and whispered in my ear, “I don’t need the alcohol to give me a buzz.” My face grew hot. I let out a quick breath, not convinced I could handle it anymore.

I didn’t know where Sara disappeared to, so I followed Drew to the sitting area where a few of his friends were talking about surfing. I stood next to Drew, with his arm around my waist, listening to their animated stories – which were more entertaining than I anticipated.

I spotted Sara with a few girls from soccer near the kitchen, so I told Drew I’d be right back.

“Hi,” I said as I approached the small group.

“Hi Emma,” Katie welcomed. “You look really great.”

“Thanks,” I replied awkwardly. “So do you.” I noted the strapless white top, the form fitting black pants and the strappy black heels - with more inches than I could manage, but she pulled them off like she wore them every day.

“Where’s Drew?” Sara asked.

“Talking to some friends.” I nodded toward the group of laughing guys.

“Are you two officially together?” Lauren asked.

“What does that mean exactly?” I questioned, not understanding the “officially” part. Dating had rules that I evidently was not aware of.

“Are you seeing other people?” she clarified.

“I’m not,” I answered, then glanced over at Drew who was completely engaged in a story. Did Drew want to see someone else? If he did, would that be okay? The thought of it triggered an unexpected twist in my stomach.

“We haven’t talked about it,” I confessed.

“Em, you should ask him what he expects,” Sara advised. The other girls nodded.

“You don’t want to assume anything and then get burned later,” Jill added. “Drew doesn’t kiss and tell, but you never know what he may have going on on the side.” My eyes flashed toward Katie when her eyes averted to the floor and her cheeks turned a slight pink.

“That’s why I was surprised when I heard he kissed you,” Lauren noted. “I never hear about Drew.”

“I think it’s because it was her,” Sara concluded. “It was a bigger deal, so I’m sure he couldn’t keep that to himself.”

The conversation regarding Drew and I was making me uncomfortable. I really wanted to change the subject.

“Are you staying over?” I asked the girls, but they were too entrenched in analyzing my relationship with Drew to hear me.

“I know how his friends are,” Katie finally added, “so don’t assume he’s as innocent as you think.” She wasn’t talking to me directly, but I still heard the warning in her tone. I studied her suspiciously - she still refused to look at me. Sara picked up on the intonation as well.

“Katie, what do you know?”

“Nothing – I’ve just hung out with them before, when they went surfing in Jersey. I watched them all flirt with the girls there. I went with Michaela once when Jay invited her, right after they hooked up. When we got there, he barely paid any attention to her. He was too busy hitting on another girl from the city. He didn’t even think twice about it, and then he didn’t understand why Michaela was upset when he came back around and wanted to get with her later that night.”

“That doesn’t mean they’re all like that,” Jill argued. Katie shrugged. I recognized she wasn’t telling us everything.

“Em, come with me,” Sara requested. “I need another drink.”

I pulled a bottle of sparkling water out of the refrigerator while Sara topped off her glass, awaiting the real reason she pulled me away from the girls.

“I think Katie may have had something with Drew,” she warned. “Or still does.”

“You think so?”

She shrugged. “Maybe. There’s something definitely up. I know he’s been with at least two girls here.”

“Don’t tell me,” I pleaded.

Knowing Drew’s history of girls was more than I could take; the thought of it caused my stomach to twist tighter. I glanced over at him again, but the guys had dispersed. I scanned the room and found him talking to Kelli and another girl I didn’t know. The twist morphed into an unwelcome streak of jealousy. I forced myself to dismiss it, convinced I was overreacting. The girls had gotten to me, and I needed to shake off the insecurity.

“Just talk to him, so you’re on the same page,” she insisted. “Do you want to date him exclusively?”

It was a question I hadn’t given much thought to. I’d allowed Drew to slip in when I wasn’t paying attention, and now that I was paying attention, I didn’t know what to think. I took seeing him every day for granted, unconcerned if he had an interest in anyone other than me. But looking around the room and seeing the options, I understood the temptation, and it made me question what was happening between us.

“I don’t know,” I answered honestly. “I’ve never really thought about it.”

“I didn’t think so.” I was prepared for her to say more, but she didn’t.

“Hey Sara,” Jay approached us. “It’s cool to see you here.”

“Hi Jay,” Sara acknowledged.

“Are you two up for going surfing with us this spring?”

The invitation to be a part of Drew’s future was suddenly too overwhelming. I really had been living in the present. So all the talk about declaring my intent with Drew and surfing with him and his friends months from now, was too much to absorb all at once.

“We’ll see,” I remarked with a casual shrug.

“Come on. You’ll love it,” he insisted.

“A lot can happen between now and then,” Sara answered, reading into my abbreviated response.

“True,” Jay agreed. “But no matter what, I’d love to get you on a board - or see you in a bikini.” He laughed. I stared at him with widened eyes, while Sara rolled hers.

“I was just kidding,” he defended.

“Hey,” Drew said, coming up behind me, slipping his arms around my waist.

“I was just talking about taking them surfing with us this spring,” Jay told Drew.

“Really? You want me to teach you how to surf?” Drew came alongside me so he could see my face.

“Maybe,” I shrugged, not wanting to mislead him about our potential future.

“She doesn’t think you guys will last until the spring,” Jay laughed.

“Jay!” Sara exclaimed, hitting his arm.

“Ow!” He flinched, holding the spot where she made contact. “What?!”

“She never said that,” she bit back. Then she looked to Drew, rolling her eyes. “He’s an idiot.”

Drew observed me cautiously, trying to read my face.

“Are you ditching me already?” he questioned in concern.

“No!” I declared. “I never said anything like that. Thanks a lot, Jay!” Jay put his hands up in defense, which was obviously a common pose for him.

Drew took my hand and led me down the hall, away from the noise. My stomach turned, nervous to have this conversation right now.

“What’s going on?” he asked

“Nothing,” I assured him, but my voice lacked the confidence needed to set him at ease.

“I’d rather not talk right here,” I stated, glancing toward the voice filled room, with the attentive ears and subtle glances in our direction as we attempted to isolate ourselves.

Drew’s eyes tightened. I must’ve said something wrong. This wasn’t going very well, and I couldn’t figure out what I was saying that kept upsetting him.

He led me across the room, down the stairs, and out the front door. I shivered, wrapping the sweater around me to brace myself against the cold wind.

“Where are we going?” I asked, continuing alongside him across the driveway.

“Some place we can talk.”

Through a break in the trees was a small cottage. He took out a key and unlocked the door. The small house was one large room with an eat-in kitchen, a sitting area, two queen sized beds on the far side, and a ladder leading up to a lofted bed. It was decorated in a typical New England nautical theme, with shells and pictures of sailboats, in complete contrast with the chic, modern design of the main house.

Drew shut the door and turned toward me. I was not prepared for the concerned look on his face. The misunderstanding evidently had gotten to him, and I was failing at saying the right thing to make him feel better. Now I was worried about what to say next.

“Tell me what that was all about?” he requested anxiously.

“I’m sorry.” Panic streaked across his face. Wrong words again! What was I doing wrong? “The girls were trying to give me advice, and I let it get to me. It was stupid, really.” I hoped he would find some comfort in my dismissive tone, but he remained tense.

“What did you want advice about?”

“I didn’t,” I said quickly. This was harder than I thought. “They asked me if you and I were officially together, and I said we hadn’t really talked about it. So they told me I should, that way I’d know in case you were seeing someone else. It was ridiculous, and I shouldn’t have listened to them.”

“Huh.” I waited as he processed what I said. The tension let up in his shoulders, but his eyes remained uneasy.

“So, are we together?” he finally asked.

Not what I was expecting.

“What does that mean exactly?”

Wrong question again. His eyes flinched in alarm.

“Do you want to be with anyone else?” he inquired cautiously.

My heart stammered at the question. I couldn’t force the words out to tell him that there wasn’t anyone else, so I shook my head. My heart continued to stutter at the untruth.

“Do you?” I returned anxiously, having already considered the reasons he may not want to be exclusive.

“No,” he denied quickly. “So why don’t you think we’ll last until the spring?”

We were back to this question again? I took a breath, stalling before answering.

“I never said that,” I promised.

“Do you think we will be?”

Now how was I going to answer that without it coming out wrong? I looked into his nervous bright green eyes and smirked. I decided to do the only thing I could to avoid answering. I took a step toward him and put my arms around his neck, pulling him toward me. He didn’t resist when I kissed him.

Drew smiled softly, revealing his dimples. He leaned in to find me again with his soft lips, causing a warmth to surge through me. His mouth rushed to find mine over and over again as he pulled me closer. I could hardly breathe with the pulsing heat capturing my lungs.

His firm body pressed against mine. Small excited gasps escaped as he tightened his hold around my waist. We slowly moved across the room, keeping up the frantic kissing and breathing until my legs bumped up against something. He guided me onto my back on one of the beds. My head was caught up in the swirl of quick breaths, unable to process where this was leading. Then his hand slid along the back of my thigh and he pulled my leg around him. A sobering flash tried to register in my head.