Reason to Breathe

“I swear I only knew about them because Jake kept asking me to go. But I didn’t give in until that night. But only because I heard you were going to be there.”

He saw my eyes cringe in disgust, and quickly added, “I just wanted to talk to you, honest. Like I told you that night, I should’ve talked to you before then.” I didn’t respond.

“I was hoping to convince you to give me a second chance, that’s all. I don’t want you to think I’m that guy.”

Before I could say anything, he got up from the table. Sara was left staring at me with her eyebrows raised. I read her thoughts, sighed in exasperation, and left the table as well. It wasn’t worth discussing.

I missed the fall awards night because I was officially grounded. Sara let me know that she, Jill and I were next season’s captains of the girls’ soccer team. She also told me I was chosen as the team’s MVP, along with making the All-State and All-American teams. There was a dinner in January recognizing the athletes. I knew I wouldn’t be attending that either.

Soon after, the letters from the colleges started to arrive. I suspected there would have been phone calls as well, but our number was privately listed, and only a hand full of people in the world were privileged enough to have it. Carol dropped the pile of packets on the floor of my room each day. There were letters from coaches and athletic directors, hoping to set up a time for me to see their campuses and meet with them in the spring. I didn’t know most of the colleges were interested in me until I received the letters.

This burst of mail gave me that something I needed to keep me looking forward, instead of continuing to be mired in the present. As long as I had the hope of escaping, I was convinced I could recover from Carol’s glares and Evan’s avoidance. I had to have something to hold on to as I hung from my ledge.

I didn’t receive as much grief as I expected from my basketball coach or other teachers for taking the week off. I was technically supposed to try out for the basketball team before being placed on the roster, so Coach had me “try out” during a couple of study periods during the week. He deemed that it qualified me to start as point guard. I was expected to fill the position, so it wasn’t a controversial decision.

Sara played volleyball during the winter, so Jill drove me home on the nights Sara had practice after us. Jill was happy to drive me, however, I got more out of our time together than I was prepared for. She was a little too up to date on the latest gossip, eager to contribute to its circulation. I really didn’t want to hear it.

“Did you know that Evan went on a date with Haley Spencer on Saturday?” Jill asked after my first official practice with the team on Monday – perfect example of why I didn’t want to hear it. “I really thought you and Evan were going to be together. What happened?”

I shrugged, unable to speak. Haley Spencer, really? A hot flash of anger and jealousy streaked through my body. I forced it away as fast as it made its appearance.

When Sara picked me up the next morning, I confronted her. “You knew about Evan and Haley, didn’t you?”

Sara pressed her lips together and exhaled, contemplating what to say.

“I didn’t think it was worth getting you upset over. Let me guess, Jill told you, right?”

“Sara, I was going to find out eventually, and it would have been so much easier coming from you.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry.” Then she glanced at me, trying to read my face. “I bet he did this to get to you.”

“He can do whatever he wants,” I huffed. “I really don’t care.”

“Sure, whatever you say,” Sara said, mocking me. “Em, even I’m upset that he went out with Haley Spencer. Come on, Haley Spencer - could he have picked any one more shallow and superficial? She’s the exact opposite of you.” As soon as the words left her mouth, she bit her lower lip.

I snapped my head over to gape at her. Her eyes softened as she offered a silent apology. She and I both understood the truth in her statement, and that truth turned in my stomach the entire ride to school. That was the day I finally returned Drew Carson’s peace offering.

Drew had been persistently, but subtly, trying to get me to talk to him again since that day in the cafeteria. During lunch and at the end of the day, he made sure our paths crossed. He’d glance at me and say, “Hi, Emma.” I would ignore him and keep walking.

Until the day I finally responded, “Hi, Drew.” The sound of my voice stopped him mid-step, causing the person following him to the cafeteria to walk right into the back of him. I let out a small laugh and kept walking. I didn’t see him again until I was walking up the stairs from the locker room to go to the gym. He was outside the gym’s entrance talking to another guy when I caught his eye.

“Good luck in your game today.”

I hadn’t noticed him at first. I was too consumed by my thoughts of the game to notice anything. Hearing his voice snapped me back into the halls of the school with the sneakers squeaking and the dribbling of basketballs coming from the gym. That’s when I saw Drew standing by the entrance. The guy he was talking to said he’d see him later and left us alone.

“Thanks,” I responded. “What are you guys doing for practice today?”

“We’re practicing tonight, after your game,” Drew explained. “I’m thinking about showing up early so I can watch.”

I wasn’t sure what to think about his interest in our game. Was he coming to show support for our team, or was he coming to watch me?

“How do you think you’ll do? I heard you’ve missed some practices.”

My face turned red at this acknowledgement. “I was able to go over the plays with Coach Stanley, so I’m pretty sure I’ll be fine.”

“I believe it,” he said with a smile. “I’ll see you after your game.” I smiled back.

It was impossible to deny that Drew was incredible looking, with his boyish face and deep dimples. It was easy to get lost in his breathtaking tranquil green eyes. They peeked out from under his black hair, which always looked like he just came from the beach. Knowing how much he loved to surf, he probably had. I stood in the doorway staring after him, even after he was out of sight.

“Emma, you ready?” Jill asked when she walked past me, snapping me out of my daze.

“Yeah, ready.”

Just as he promised, Drew was waiting for me after I grabbed my things from the bench.

“Good game,” he congratulated me. “You have a great outside shot.”

“Thanks.” I took a swig of my sports drink before gathering my gear from the bench.

“I’m glad you’re talking to me.”

“I figured everyone deserves a second chance.” I grinned, and he returned the expression.

“I should get to practice.” He nodded toward the court, where some of his teammates were dribbling and taking shots. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow?”

“Sure.”

With that second chance, Drew Carson would change everything. The rest of that week, I found our paths crossed more often. I invited him to sit with us during lunch, which I thought was going to cause Sara to fall out of her seat. We found a few minutes to talk before or after our practices. Then I discovered he was actually assigned to my study period. As a senior privilege, if any of the students had study as their first or last class, they could opt to come in late or leave early. I never saw Drew in study, because he hadn’t been there. But after we started talking, he decided to show up.

Sara didn’t say anything about my sudden interest in Drew. She was friendly and accepting of his presence during the times that she and I usually had alone. I hoped she found his company as refreshing as I did. Drew was charming – helping me to recover my smile.

When I saw Drew at the end of each day, it was a way to recuperate from being exposed to Evan’s evasive presence all day. It was easy to carry on conversations with him about anything and everything, but never anything too personal. He didn’t push me to reveal more about myself than I was willing to share, which was a comforting relief. When I was with him, I found myself laughing - really, honestly, enjoyably laughing. He was a breath of fresh air after the heart wrenching storm that had engulfed me.

When I was with Drew, I wasn’t thinking about Evan. I couldn’t keep the two images in my head at the same time, so I pushed Evan’s out. I started not to notice where Evan was, and I didn’t flinch at the sound of his voice as often. I wasn’t allowing space for him anymore.

Instead, I found myself focusing on Drew, who responded with full attention. I didn’t expect it to be the same, and it wasn’t. My heart didn’t flutter or murmur whenever Drew sat next to me. It stayed deep within my chest, thumping at its consistent pace. I wasn’t disappointed – I was relieved.

I didn’t talk to Sara about Drew, and she didn’t ask. But I wasn’t expecting her to reaction when I asked if we could meet him at a bon fire on a private beach after the game that Friday.

“Em, I don’t think that’s a good idea,” she insisted. “Maybe we should stay in and watch movies. It’s only been a few weeks since the incident with Carol. You’re lucky she’s letting you stay over again.”

I knew there was something more to her hesitation than she was admitting.

“Sara, are you telling me you don’t want to go to this bon fire? I’ve heard who’s supposed to be there, and it’s a pretty decent list.”

“Yeah, me too,” she admitted reluctantly. “Em, you promise you won’t do anything stupid, right?”

“What is that supposed to mean?” I asked, offended.

“I haven’t said anything because I think you really do like him, but I’m worried about where you’re headed with Drew.”

“I don’t know what you mean,” I denied, but I had a feeling I knew where this was going.

“Just don’t do anything you typically wouldn’t if you weren’t trying to get over Evan.”

I didn’t say anything. She knew I understood what she meant. Sara agreed to go to the bon fire after my basketball game Friday night, and I convinced myself that I didn’t do anything that weekend that I didn’t want to do. That was until I heard the accusations of what I did out loud.

“You kissed Drew Carson?!” Evan practically yelled as he stood next to me at my locker.

It took me a second to believe he was standing next to me, forget about talking – well, yelling at me. His face was flushed, and his jaw was tight. He leered at me from behind my locker door, holding it open with his hand. I glanced around the empty halls to see if anyone heard him.

“How did you hear about that?” I asked. Not only was I stunned to see Evan at my locker, but I was shocked that Drew had said anything.

“Don’t worry I didn’t hear it from Drew, he doesn’t talk. But his friends do.” He was fuming and seeing his reaction only ignited my anger. What gave him the right to be upset with me?