Reason to Breathe

He gazed past me, extended onto his toes, to see into my room.

“What happened, Emma?” he gasped at the devastating scene.

“You’re only going to make it worse. Please leave.” I tried to position my body between his eyes and my room.

“I’m picking you up Monday so that you can tell me what this is all about,” he insisted.

“Fine, just leave,” I begged.

Evan finally acknowledged the pleading in my eyes and the urgency in my voice and backed away from the window. He hesitated, but I closed the window and pulled down my shade before he could say anything else.

I turned back to my broken world and knelt amongst its remains. I heard Carol say she’d be back soon and knew I didn’t have time to mourn. I found a backpack in which to place the fragments of my pictures and letters from my mother, refusing to throw them away. I tossed the broken frames and sliced canvasses in a trash bag.

I mindlessly performed my list of chores. I was secured in this desolate state when I retreated to my room. I slid onto the floor with my back against my bed and stared at the blank wall across from me. The ache in my chest was curtained behind the numbness.

If I hadn’t been able to admit it before now, I knew in this moment that I hated Carol. I clenched my jaw, pushing away the destructive screams that raged in my head. My nails dug into the palms of my hands, wanting so much to release the emotion. Instead I gasped and collapsed into chest-heaving sobs.

Her malevolence threatened to penetrate the only sanctity I had left, and I moaned in pain at how close she had come to crushing me. Was I really strong enough to not let her break me? Six hundred and nine days suddenly felt like a life sentence. Would I be able to recognize myself when I was finally released?

I sat in the closet and dialed Sara’s number.

“Em, are you okay?” Sara asked in a single breath.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I whispered.

“You sound so sad. What did she do?”

“I can’t talk about it right now. But I wanted you to hear from me like I promised.”

“Evan came over this morning.”

I didn’t say anything.

“He was really upset and wanted to know what was happening, and if you were being hurt. He was basically screaming at me to tell him. I didn’t, I swear, but he’s insisting on picking you up on Monday. I wanted to warn you. I can be there too, so you can go with me instead if you want.”

“No, it’s okay,” I mumbled. I knew I’d have to face him eventually.

“Emma, whatever happened there this morning, I am so sorry,” she said softly.

“I’ll see you Monday,” I whispered and hung up the phone.

I didn’t leave my room except to sneak out to use the bathroom. I heard the murmur of voices and the glee of the kids in the dining room. Not too long after, singing carried through the wall from the television followed by a quick rap on my door.

“Your uncle and I would like to speak with you.” I watched her leave as I sat at the desk, hovering over my Chemistry book. I pushed the chair back and allowed my legs to carry my shell to the kitchen.

George and Carol stood on one side of the island, waiting for me. The remnants of grief remained in George’s eyes while the smirk of victory reflected in Carol’s.

“Your uncle and I wanted you to know how heartbroken you made us when you chose to act out and destroy your things. We are sorry you don’t feel happy here since we’ve done everything to provide you with whatever it is you’ve asked. You play sports and are part of the school’s clubs. We think we’ve been very accommodating.

“I thought we should ban you from all of your privileges for the remainder of the year.” My eyes widened, and my throat closed.

“But your uncle has decided to be generous and allow you to be a part of the school activities, hoping it will make you a better person. But you will not be doing anything at all for the next week. You’ll have to find a way to explain this to your coach and other teachers, and we better not hear that you’ve blamed us in any way. This is your own doing, and you need to own up to that.

“Since we aren’t able to trust you to be home by yourself, you’ll go to the library after school. You can have whoever it is who’s chauffeuring you around these days drop you off at the house. You can ride your bike to and from the library. I arranged this with the head librarian, Marcia Pendle, this afternoon. She will sign you in and out every day. She has a desk for you to use, so you’re in her sight the entire time. Don’t even think about trying anything. If we hear that you weren’t there or didn’t cooperate, you will lose basketball for the season. Do you understand?”

“Yes,” I murmured.

“Your destruction has hurt your uncle a great deal, and we think it’s best that during the next couple of weeks, you allow him to find a way to forgive you. So you should stay out of sight while you’re in the house. I’ll let you know when we’re done with dinner, because you are not getting out of your obligations. We’ll have a plate set aside for you to eat before you do the dishes. But other than that, you will stay in your room. Understood?”

“Yes.”

“Now, what do you have to say to your uncle?” She pursed her lips to try to conceal her smirk. I tightened my eyes in disgust before I could mask my loathing. “Well?”

I whispered, “I’m sorry you were hurt.”

I wasn’t lying, but I wasn’t apologizing for something I didn’t do either. He only nodded in acceptance.

I was banned to my room for the remainder of the weekend. As uneventful as it was, it was better than being anywhere near Carol. It gave me time to think about what I was going to say to my basketball coach and the other teachers. I couldn’t come up with anything other than a vague explanation of obligations at home that I hoped they wouldn’t question too much.

I couldn’t think about Evan, and what I’d say to him on Monday. Every time I thought of him, and what he’d seen on Friday night, and then again on Saturday morning, I felt miserable. He saw a glimpse of my world, and I didn’t like how it reflected back in his eyes.

23. Silence

I remained silent in the passenger seat. I couldn’t even bring myself to look at him.

Evan drove to the end of my street before he asked, “How are you?”

“Humiliated,” I answered, looking out the window.

The quiet settled in again for a few minutes before he asked, “Are you mad at me for checking on you?”

“You shouldn’t have,” I answered honestly.

“You’re not going to tell me what happened, are you?”

“I can’t. You saw more than enough.”

He pulled into the same drugstore parking lot as before, and parked the car.

“Evan, I really don’t want to talk about it,” I insisted, finally looking at him.

“That’s what’s bothering me. Why can’t you trust me?” His troubled eyes searched mine for an explanation.

“That has nothing to do with it.”

“That has everything to do with it,” he said emphatically. “I thought we were past that.”

“I’m sorry you thought that,” I said stoically. He pulled back as if my words burned him.

“So, you don’t trust me to know what’s going on with you at home?” After hesitating for a moment, he added, “You never planned to let me in did you?” His voice grew stronger as he spoke, almost angry.

I couldn’t find the words to agree with him, knowing it would only make him more upset.

“What was I thinking?” he asked himself in a whisper. “I thought you were stronger than this.” His words bit, and my heart flinched. “I can’t believe you let them treat you like this.”

After a minute of unreturned response, Evan murmured in sinking disappointment, “You’re not who I thought you were.”

“I knew that,” I whispered.

“So I don’t really know you, do I?”

I shrugged. He exhaled quickly and shook his head, frustrated with my unwillingness to answer.

“Does Sara?” he asked. “Do you trust Sara more than me?”

“Leave her out of this,” I shot back.

“I don’t get it,” he said to himself, looking at the floor. Then he turned to me and asked, “Does he hurt you?”

“George?” I questioned, shocked by the accusation. “No, George wouldn’t hurt me.”

“Then, she just doesn’t like you, is that it?” he pushed.

“Evan, I can’t and don’t want to talk about what happens behind the closed doors of my house. And you’re right, I’m not that strong, and I’m not the person you thought I was. But I’ve been trying to tell you that all along. I’m sorry that you’re disappointed now that you finally figured it out. But I’m never going to be able to tell you what you want to know.”

His face turned red, but I wasn’t certain what emotion fueled the heat.

“I’d really like to get to school now,” I demanded.

Evan pulled out of the parking lot, and we drove the rest of the way in silence.

The silence lasted for a long time.

Sara tried to talk to me about it, but it took me a week before I could repeat the words said in the car that day. She never brought it up again and tried not to mention him at all.

We co-existed within the same halls of the school and the walls of our classrooms. We didn’t speak to each other, even in Anatomy class where we sat a few feet apart. In the rest of our shared classes, we sat at opposite ends of the room.

This didn’t mean I didn’t notice him. I noticed him until I convinced myself that I couldn’t anymore. I accepted the truth that I’d been avoiding all along – it could never work. It never had a chance. My aching heart had a hard time giving up hope, but I found a way to tuck that deep inside as well. I faded into the walls like I had before Evan Mathews walked through the doors of Weslyn High - except, I didn’t completely disappear.

The week after Thanksgiving, when I was caught up in being angry and disappointed with Evan – angry that he forced his way in and disappointed that he didn’t like what he saw when he got there – I was taken by surprise.

“I know what you probably think of me,” Drew Carson said, joining Sara and me at our lunch table that Wednesday afternoon.

I glanced from Sara to Drew, not understanding what he was talking about or why he was sitting at our table.

“At Jake’s party,” he explained, “I saw how you looked at me before you left. I’m not like that.”

“Really, then why were you there?” I was too annoyed with thoughts of Evan to hold back my candor. “Isn’t that what all the guys were there for? You even admitted you’re friends with Jake.”

It was obvious he wasn’t expecting my biting words either, but he didn’t give up.

“You’re right, I knew what went on. But whether you want to believe me or not, that was the first time I’ve shown up at one of his parties.” I let out a skeptical laugh. Sara remained still, like she was watching a movie, her wide eyes shooting back and forth between Drew and me.