Reason to Breathe

“I’m surprised you could hear with Haley Spencer’s tongue in your ear,” I shot back. His face turned a different shade of red as the surprise reflected in his eyes. “Yeah, I heard about that too.”

“It’s not what you think,” he explained, still angry, but the bite was absent from his tone. “We went out once.”

“Oh, is that why I saw you together at the bon fire?!” I yelled back. Now, I was the one infuriated as I recalled the image of Haley nuzzled into Evan’s arm across from me at the bon fire.

“You were there?” he asked, dropping his attack.

“I left pretty much after I saw the two of you. So don’t you dare try to make me feel anything remotely like guilt for kissing Drew.” The heat spread across my face as I abruptly closed my locker, holding my backpack and duffle bag in my hands.

“But you hardly know him,” he rebutted. “What, you’ve talked to him for a week and that makes it okay to kiss him the first time you see him out?” His voice escalated again.

“Oh, and you’re so much better?! Had you ever talked to Haley before you did whatever you did with her at Jake’s party that first weekend?”

His eyes widened as he leaned back from my blow, confirming what Haley had told me earlier that day.

“Yeah, it was really great to hear it from her too, Evan,” I snapped, trying to hide the hurt in my voice, while recalling her snide remark about how interesting it was that she and I were seeing the guys that we met at Jake’s party. I thought I was going to fall over when the words came out of her mouth before she walked away with a smug grin.

Evan struggled to find the words. “I didn’t do…” His eyes pleaded. “It’s really not like that. Can I explain?”

“No.” The edge dropped from my voice, releasing the anger with it. I became emotionless, pushing away the pain and sadness that threatened to seep up from where I hid them. “I don’t want to know.”

I walked past him towards the stairs.

“I trusted you,” Evan bellowed, as the distance grew between us. I stopped and turned back around. He walked towards me until we were only a foot apart. “I trusted you, and you couldn’t trust me.”

I stared back, watching the hurt reveal itself in his eyes. My heart ached in return.

“I unpacked for the first time ever – for you. I was honest with you about everything – even with the truth about how I felt about you. I’ve never been that honest before. I trusted you.” His voice drifted into a whisper as he leaned closer to me. “Why couldn’t you trust me?”

I swallowed the lump in my throat with tears welling in my eyes. My heart reached for him, begging me to touch him, as I absorbed the pain in his stormy eyes. The seconds lasted for what felt like minutes, and then I tensed my body and walked away.

I went through the doors leading to the stairs and hurried down them.

“I’m still in love with you,” he yelled from the top step. I froze as the first tear rolled down my cheek. “Please don’t walk away from me.”

The tears streamed silently down my face - I couldn’t move. My heartbeat thumped forcefully in my chest, and for a second, I almost turned around. Then the image of Evan and Haley together in front of the bon fire, with his arm around her shoulder, flashed through my head, and I found my feet moving in a rush down the stairs.

I made it through practice that afternoon, although I don’t remember much about it. Forcing myself to dribble, pass and shoot kept me from replaying the confrontation with Evan. By the end of practice, I was too exhausted to think about anything.

As I was heading to the locker room, the junior varsity guys started warming up on the court for their game. Drew waited for me at the end of the bleachers, in front of the entrance to the guys’ locker room.

“Can you stay for my game?” he asked.

“Sorry, I don’t think so,” I admitted with a frown. “Good luck though.”

“Will I see you tomorrow night after your game?”

“Yeah, I’d like that. I just have to check with Sara to make sure she doesn’t have anything planned.”

“One of the guys from the team is having a few people over and I’d like it if you and Sara came too.”

“I’ll see,” I promised, but I was pretty sure I wouldn’t make it since I had to be home by ten.

Before I realized what he was doing, he leaned over and kissed me softly on the lips. My body stiffened, as I remained stunned, unable to breathe for a brief moment. Drew looked up and said, “Hey, Mathews.”

“Hi Drew,” Evan returned with a bite. I only caught a glimpse of the bag over Evan’s arm as he walked past us toward the locker room.

My heart crashed into my stomach. Did Evan just see Drew kiss me?

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” Drew smiled and brushed his hand along my cheek.

I nodded and forced the faintest hint of a smile. He walked through the doors to the locker room after Evan.

I knew what Evan just witnessed between Drew and me, especially after what had happened at my locker, was worse than anything I’d seen between him and Haley. I suppressed the twisting storm of guilt that threatened to consume me. I waited until I was alone in my room that night before I unleashed it and cried myself to sleep.

24. Fallen

“Emily!” Carol hollered from the kitchen. My hand hovered above my duffle bag, grasping the sweater I was about to pack. Panic set in as I tried to think of what I could’ve done. My chest felt tight when I entered the kitchen.

“Yeah?” I responded cautiously, my voice getting caught in my throat.

“Do you know who I just got off the phone with?” she yelled, revealing the strained vein along her temple. I glanced around, recognizing George and the kids were gone. Fear gripped my heart, and my head felt tight. I shook my head.

“Of course you don’t, right? Because you never do anything wrong, do you?” I was past trying to understand her illogical questions, and braced myself for her wrath. “That was someone from Stanford –“

Oh no! My eyes shot up at the sound of the school’s name.

“Oh, you do know what this is about?” she accused, still boiling. “Do you know how stupid I felt when this man was going on about your visit in the spring, and I have no idea what he was talking about?! Why did he have our phone number?!” I remained quiet. “You didn’t really think we were going to let you fly to California, did you? How the hell did you convince him to invite you – did you blow him?”

Shock splayed across my face.

“You think you are so much better than me, don’t you? That you can do whatever you fucking want?!”

“No,” I whispered.

“That’s right - not in my house! You drove your mother to drink, and now she’s a useless whore. I’m not going to let you destroy my family too. You’re fucking worthless. What school would possibly want you?”

Carol’s face was scarlet while her voice grew louder. “How did you ever expect to pay for these schools? You’re not that special that they’re going to let you in for free.” She waited, as if expecting an answer. “Well…?”

“They have scholarships,” I said lowly. She scoffed. “And I was thinking I could use my dad’s social security money.”

“Huh. Did you think I was going to let you live here and not get anything out of it?” She let out a spiteful laugh. I glowered at her; the hate slowly crawled under my skin. That money was because my father died too soon, and she was going to strip me of the last connection I had to him?! I was so furious, I couldn’t see straight. I turned to walk away with my jaw clenched.

Then I heard the scraping of metal and her amplified rage, “Don’t you turn your fucking back on me!”

A piercing flash of light screamed through my head as something hard hit the base of my skull. I stumbled forward and reached for the support of the wall, but I couldn’t find it in time. My legs gave out, and I collapsed on the floor.

“You are ruining my life,” she grunted through clenched teeth. “You will wish you never set foot in this house.” I pressed my shaking hands against the floor to push up while attempting to focus through the blur. I let out a breathless grunt as my chest was forced back down against the hard wood, and my arms collapsed beneath me when she swung again. The repeated impact left me fighting for my breath, as the sharpness settled between my shoulder blades. The room teetered and blurred around me as I searched for the direction of my room, knowing I needed to get there to escape her. Still gasping, I groped at the floor, urging my body forward while sliding on my elbows and pushing onto my knees.

Her vulgar grunts and grumblings were incoherent. Then I heard her growl, “You will learn to respect me. You owe me your life for everything I’ve given you. For everything you’ve destroyed.”

The force of her swing ripped through my lower back – I screamed out in agony. The searing bolt of pain wrapped itself around my spine and spiked through my head. I released a broken moan before sprawling on the floor. The room dimmed in a blur of light as I fought for consciousness.

I didn’t know how long I’d been on the floor. I became aware of the loud stomping above me as she muttered to herself. I blinked my eyes open. The floor rippled in front of my eyes. I closed them to fight against the dizziness so that I could push myself up on my hands and knees. The tender muscles between my shoulder blades twisted into a burning knot as I strained to get up. I peered through my lashes and reached for the wall to steady myself on my knees. I tried to focus through the haze, my head bobbing heavily and my body swaying. With a grunt of effort, I lifted myself up to stand, leaning against the wall. I remained pressed against the wall breathing heavily as I waited for the room to settle and listened for her movement. A severe sharpness shot up my spine, leaving me breathless.

I took a deep breath to settle the nausea, determined to get out of the house before she came downstairs. I stood still for a moment with my eyes closed, steadying the spin of the earth. Convinced I had control of my equilibrium - I crept into my room and gingerly closed the door. The flight instinct kicked in and the blood raced through my body, overriding the pain. My heart pounded in my chest as I threw a few more items in my duffle bag. I opened my door to listen. She was quiet; the only sound I heard was my rapid pulse. I decided to take a chance and left my room. I cautiously took each step that brought me closer to the door. My ears hummed, anticipating the slightest sound.

I held my breath as I turned the handle of the door and didn’t release it until the door was closed behind me. I hugged the side of the house, so she couldn’t see me from her window. Once I reached the end of the driveway, adrenaline shot through me, and I ran. The pain in my back and head didn’t exist while the road passed under my feet. I kept running until I was in the coffee shop a few blocks from the house.

I could only imagine what I must have looked like to the patrons and staff of the intimate café when I entered with the duffle bag over my arm, covered with sweat, and gasping for breath. I slid onto a chair at a small table in the corner and pulled out my phone. I pressed Sara’s number and listened to it ring, hoping she’d pick up.