Viktor nodded and laid his hand on my shoulder. “I know, son. I knew it the minute I saw his tattoo and your reaction as you stepped into the cage.”
“He was my… friend,” I managed to blurt out, the term unfamiliar and bittersweet on my lips.
Viktor gripped my bicep and helped me to my feet. “We have to go, son.”
Viktor and I walked straight out of the cage and down through the crowd. Hands slapped at my back in congratulations, I kept my eyes low and I started to move faster until I was in the hallway. Then I found myself sprinting into my holding room. Once inside, I went straight to the bathroom and puked into the toilet, my body breaking out in cold sweats.
Viktor was at the door, cursing under his breath. I didn’t know what the fuck was happening to me.
I slumped to the ground, seeing smears of blood on the grimy floor tiles. Viktor wet two washrags and pressed one on my arm and the other on my throat.
I didn’t flinch. “You need stitches, son. That sai got you good in places.”
“Then do it,” I said numbly.
I’d never ever felt this… this… ache before. This pain… this guilt? Was it guilt? I’d always blocked out the kills. Those men I’d faced were just animals for the slaughter, and I was the man that brought death. There was no over thinking. Just instinct and duty to the Gulag carrying me forward.
But this time… I felt everything: remorse, shame, devastation… I felt like death. I felt dead inside too.
“Where are you living, son?” Viktor asked as he pulled out a needle and thread from the metal cabinet above the basin. He began to patch up my arm. I didn’t feel the needle piercing my skin. Didn’t feel the thread pulling together my spilt flesh.
“At the gym.”
Viktor paused and shook his head. “Damn, son. Just… damn.”
After my cut was stitched, Viktor forced me to shower and took me back to the gym. When he’d gone, I closed my eyes as I lay on my thin mat. All I could see was blood, blood everywhere. And 362 staring up at me as life drained from his eyes.I’d never felt remorse, regret, but right now, I was drowning in it.
Chapter Sixteen
Kisa
“Why am I taking you to the gym again, Kisa?” Serge asked as I met him on the sidewalk shortly after Alik dropped me off at my papa’s house. Papa was already out entertaining the Georgian mob that had brought Goliath tonight and Alik was en route to join them, so I knew I would have all night free.
It was always like this when the championship was on. The mob bosses had to get business in all avenues done. But tonight just seemed different, my stomach swirling with nerves like something bad was going to happen. I knew it was a combination of both Alik’s strange mood and Raze’s strange reaction after he won his fight tonight.
Alik had been furious that Raze had won. So furious that he hadn’t even used my body post-match as was his usual M.O. He’d just dropped me off at home and coldly ordered me inside.
Alik was fearful. I’d never seen him fearful before. But him seeing Raze beating Goliath tonight with such incredible skill and strength had taken him to a state I’d never seen from him before: introverted, quiet, pensive.
It scared me more than his aggression. It didn’t know what to make of a non-expressive Alik. Of a distant and non-possessive Alik.
But right now, I tried to push all thoughts of Alik from my head. I needed to see Raze. Alik had forced me to watch his fight, trying to assert his dominance over me. And, my God, Raze had nearly died. But something was wrong with him afterward. He didn’t look pleased by his win. He couldn’t get up, like he was shell-shocked, staring down at Goliath with a devastated expression. Viktor had to lift him from his knees to get him out of the cage, support him as he walked down the hallway. And worse, I couldn’t go to him. Instead, I had to go with Alik.
I resented Alik for that. For once, I completely resented him.
I looked to Serge, Raze’s cutting face prominent in my mind. “Please, Serge…” I begged, and he stood stoic in front of me before opening the back door of the Lincoln and gestured for me to go inside. I slipped into the backseat and Serge got behind the wheel.
He turned around. “Kisa? What’s going on? You sneaking out like this is putting us both in danger. I’m not doing it unless you start giving me some answers.”
I dropped my eyes to the sidewalk outside and warred with what to do. I looked to Serge again and my eyes filled with tears.
“Kisa, are you in trouble?” he asked, but I shook my head. “Are you… have you been seeing someone else? Behind Mr. Durov’s back? Are you meeting him at the gym?”