But I—
We ain’t gonna argue this, he says.
I gotta go, I says.
As I move away, he takes hold of my arm, sayin, Hang on a sec, I— He almost but don’t meet my eyes as he says, I need to … I want to apologize to you. Fer the way I bin actin since you saved me from Freedom Fields. Turnin away from you. Blamin you fer everythin. Bein so angry. The thing is, after Ma died, I only had one thing to do an that was pertect my sisters. Make sure you survive. I had to be the front line. Stand in front of you an take the shot, like with Pa.
You know we don’t talk about that, I says.
Night-time in the hut. In the months jest after. Pa blind drunk an ragin his grief. At us. At hisself. Why should we live when she was dead? Where’s my gun? My knife? Where’d you hide ’em this time? Don’t lie to me, son, don’t make me beat it from you.
When I do stupid things, like try an race you to the bridge? It’s becuz I need to git there first, says Lugh. Front line, you see? It’s all I know. But when I got took, you managed fine without me. You an Emmi both. You grew stronger. Smarter. An I’m proud of you. But I bin feelin, I dunno … useless. But no more. No more, I swear. Today changed everythin.
An I know the moment it happened, I says. There at the bridge, when I was holdin on so tight to you. I bin there myself, Lugh, I know that moment. When death leans in to kiss you, to take you, when it’s so close you can smell its breath. An you say no. No, you sonofabitch, you will not have me this time. An you want life so bad an you pull yerself back into it an suddenly everythin’s so clear.
He’s starin at me an I realize I got my fingers diggin into his arms as I speak, like some crazy person. You got it, he says. That’s it ezzackly. Yer th’only one who’d know how to say it.
Saba? It’s Tommo. He’s standin not ten foot away, among the trees. Can I talk to you?
Not now Tommo, I says.
But I only—
Later, okay? Lugh turns on him, impatient.
There’s a moment’s pause. You cain’t read his face in the shadow of the trees. Sorry, he says. Then he’s gone.
He’s stuck on you, says Lugh. You took his hand today. He’ll take that as encouragement.
We ain’t talkin about him, I says. We’re talkin about you.
Yeah, well … today made me realize … He shakes his head. I wish I was good with words, he says. I realized I want so much, Saba. The sky above my head an the sun an the stars an … I wanna feel the earth beneath my feet, in my hands. It’s so little but it’s so much, y’know, it’s … it’s everythin. An yer everythin to me. You an Emmi. You gotta know that.
He pulls me into his arms an we hold fast to each other.
Tears heat my eyes. I bin missin you so much, I says, you got no idea. I’m sorry I hurt you, Lugh. I never meant to. I bin selfish an stubborn. Not jest about Jack, but—
He’s gone, that’s all finished, he says. It’s gonna be okay, Saba. You an me, we’re as we should be. We’re us agin.
Some good came outta this day after all, I says.
We got the power to git what we want, he says. One day soon, we’ll have a piece of this good land fer ourselfs. Fer the first time, we’ll live a life that’s worth somethin. Jest like we always dreamed. An we won’t be shackled by the past no more. Don’t worry about Em. We’ll keep her safe.
I give him a last hard squeeze. I really do gotta go, I says. I start to walk backwards, away from him. See you, I says.
If I don’t see you first, he says.
Such a tired old clunker. But it makes us smile every time. I leave him there in the trees, bathed in moonlight. When I take a last look over my shoulder, he’s headed back towards camp.
My feet skim me through the woods. I’m all speed an starlight. Wolfdog an crow, my companions. An hope don’t jest whisper within me. Now it shouts loud to the night.
My brother has come back to me.
There ain’t no better outrider than a wolfdog. Tracker runs on ahead, then fans out an loops around behind me, over an over. We had a month of this, so he’s well-trained. Me, on secret night journeys to meet Jack. Tracker makin sure we don’t run into nobody we oughtn’t. Nero cruises above the treetops, keepin pace with me here on the ground.
That surge of joy speeds me on the first half league. I’m pure happiness. Lugh took the first step. He opened his arms to me. But as my thoughts creep back in, my feet start to slow.
It’s gonna be okay, Saba. You an me, we’re as we should be. We’re us agin.
I’m foolin myself. To be us would mean that the truth would flow between us like clear water. Jest as it used to. But now I measure it out in fearful drops. Even if I could tell him, even if I told Lugh every single one of my many secrets, until he knows that Jack’s alive an finds a way to accept him, we ain’t got no chance of bein us. Not even a new kinda us.
Lugh took aginst Jack from the off. I thought he’d be grateful to him. If it warn’t fer Jack, we’d of never reached Freedom Fields in time to save his life. Maev was the one who told me why. Said I was hopeless not to figger it out myself. The way Lugh sees it, Jack stole me from him while he was weak an helpless, prisoner of the Tonton. I’m sure that’s right. After all, twins ain’t like any other. Till the day the Tonton took him from Silverlake, Lugh an me together was bindweed.
Fer now Jack’s dead an must remain so. But if we win this fight, he’ll step back into life an it won’t jest be Lugh not overjoyed to see him, there’s Tommo an Ash an—this ain’t the time to think about all that.
If we win this fight. To win. In seven nights. Seven to the blood moon, if Slim’s right. An he is he is I know he is. A new plan. Fast. I gotta think of one, make one. Another blown bridge or road or checkpoint an DeMalo will do like he threatened.
You hit me again, I’ll hit you back tenfold.
If he unleashes his full power aginst us, we won’t survive. We’ll be jest like the Hawks at Darktrees, butchered in the night as they slept. There, he was only gittin rid of a possible problem. They warn’t nowhere near New Eden an barely even a thorn in his side. His reach is long an bloody.
I’ll have your whole misstarred mob hunted down and killed. Wherever you run to. Your brother. Your sister. Weigh your chances.
I bin foolin myself. We’re all fools. Deluded to think we can beat him. We’re the few. The weak.
The few an the weak. Suddenly it hits me. It’s bin starin me in the face from the start. It’s only thanks to DeMalo that we’re still alive. This whole time—today at the bridge, an way back to Hopetown an Freedom Fields, the fight at Pine Top Hill, then Resurrection—we bin bold an reckless an oftentimes lucky. It ain’t that we didn’t fight hard. We did. We do. Sometimes we even fought smart. But we ain’t bin smart or lucky enough to keep us alive. When it came to the point, DeMalo pulled back from destroyin us. An it’s bin about me every time. Whatever it is that he wants from me … that’s what’s kept us alive.
I’ll guarantee everyone safe passage over the Waste, your friends and family.
An in return?
You.
Me. Marry him. Death ain’t so bad. You only do it once. Married to him, I’d die each day.
Nero’s bin dippin in an outta the trees round about. Almost like he’s keepin a eye on somethin. Now, a little ways ahead, Tracker’s caught a scent on the wind. He’s stopped dead. Stiff-legged. Head high. As I come up to him, I’m shruggin off my bow an nockin a arrow. The scrub pine crowds thick here. I cain’t see nuthin. I motion him to me an we slip behind a tree together. I tighten myself fer action.