“Why are you interested in college?” she asks, chewing on a pen.
For a lot of reasons, I think. To have lots of paths to choose from. To have the ability to back out of something if it’s not quite what I want. Two roads diverged in a yellow wood…and I want to take the one less traveled by.
But what I tell her is: “It’s something I have to do.”
She looks at my file, twisting a lock of her hair. “Your grades aren’t bad, but I’m not sure if you’ll have much of an opportunity for scholarships…maybe we could look into some grants and federal aid. And you need to take the SAT or the ACT.”
Miss Brady passes me a pamphlet and I open it.
“These tests cost money,” I say slowly.
“Everything costs money.”
I clear my throat, thumbing through the pamphlet.
“Depending on your family’s income, we could apply for a fee waiver so you could take the ACT for free.”
“Okay,” I reply quietly, and we go silent for several moments.
“I encourage all kids to go to college, but if you wanted to take a year off or go to community college, you could do that too. Although one time, I read a statistic that said 80 percent of people who don’t go to college right after high school never go. They never find the time.”
I glance down at the Coca Cola T-shirt I bought at a yard sale. Think about my background. All of it is part of me that has led me to now, to this point. Miss Brady is right. If I don’t go now, I’ll never go.
I pull a deep breath. “I want to try,” I say, making the guidance counselor smile.
“Great! What do you want to study?”
The creeptastic motivational posters intimidate me. “I have no idea.”
“And that’s totally okay.”
She spends ten minutes loading me up with more pamphlets and handouts so I can learn about the different state and community colleges in Tennessee.
“Come back and see me next week,” Miss Brady says.
If I want anything in life, I need to take it one step at a time. And if I want to pay for these college application fees or tuition, then I need to do something for me. It might hurt what I can give my baby sister in the near term, but it could help us all in the future.
I walk out into the hallway where I find Jack sipping from the water fountain. He wipes the water from his lips and faces me. Looks down at the papers in my hand. A smile begins to stretch across his face. I return the smile and walk toward the gym.
Before PE, I meet up with Vanessa at her locker, and right then, Rory approaches us.
“Vanessa,” he says breathlessly. “I have an important question for you.”
But before she can react, music rings out in the hallway and random kids start dancing to Lady Gaga’s “Telephone.” It’s all choreographed. Wait. Are these kids from Rory’s drama class? Is this a flash mob?
Vanessa and I burst out giggling as the students keep dancing and then Rory joins in, holding up a sign asking Vanessa if she wants to go to Homecoming.
“Yes!” she says, and they start kissing, and the flash mob keeps grinding away around us. Colton whistles and Kelsey cheers, looking happy. Jack gazes over at me and grins, and I can’t help but smile back.
“Woooo!” I yell, cupping my mouth, my voice ringing out through the corridor.
After school, Vanessa gives me a lift home from school, and we totally take over the Hillcrest common room to eat candy, read magazines, and gossip. Ethan—Jodi’s son—has a friend over, and they keep peeking around the corner at us. Preteen pervs.
Vanessa bites into a Twizzler and turns the page in her magazine. “I was thinking a dress like this one.” She points at a short blue wispy thing.
“I love that! For Homecoming?”
“Yeah.” She flips the page and points at a white dress. “You should get something like this.”
“I like it…”
“Are you going with Alex? Did you invite him yet?”
I shake my head. “I might…there’s a big race that day in New Orleans at Fair Grounds. Gael has been saying that Jack might enter Star…but I’m not even sure if I’ll get to ride him.”
Vanessa pats my hand. “Don’t give up, okay? You know you can ride—it was just muddy before that race and Jack wanted to keep you safe. He told me so himself.”
I nod slowly, feeling heat spread across my cheeks. I’m kind of embarrassed how bratty I acted that day. I must’ve been channeling Star.
“If you decide to go to Homecoming, you and Alex should ride with me and Rory,” Vanessa says, and we dive into a discussion about the guys, talking about how far we’ve gone with them. “I only slept with Rory that one time after his brother’s wedding. We want to take things slower, you know?”
“I get that.”
“Have you done anything with Alex yet?”
“We’ve kissed…” The big difference between our situations is that I can tell how much she loves Rory already, and I haven’t felt that way about Alex yet. Maybe it just takes time?
Vanessa talks about how she and Rory were fooling around in his truck in the Whitfields’ garage, and his father caught them and made Rory go clean the manure collector again. “I think Rory thought it was worth it though.” She laughs, and Ethan and his friend gasp from the hallway.
“Get out of here, you little perverts!” I yell, throwing a couch pillow at the boys. Vanessa and I collapse onto the floor in a fit of giggles.
“You silly girls.” We peek up to find Cindy smiling down at us, one hand on her stomach. “Savannah, do you want to come out to eat with me and your dad? He got a bonus for some races and wants to treat us.”
I glance at Vanessa. “We’re hanging out right now.”
“Vanessa can come too if she wants.”
Vanessa nods, and I shrug okay. We’ve never had the money to invite a friend of mine out to eat. I’m really proud of my father—for taking a risk and moving us to Cedar Hill and trying to do something good for his family.
The next thing I know, we’re at the Roadhouse, one of the best restaurants in Franklin. Old street signs and highway markers cover the wooden walls and rock music blares. People love coming here because you get to eat peanuts and throw shells on the floor. And don’t even get me started on how good those breadbaskets smell.
We’re seated at a table, and a girl from school is our server. I’ve never talked to Annie Winters before, but she seems nice and smiles as she takes our drink order. Vanessa leans over and whispers that she and Kelsey used to hang out with Annie freshman year, but after Annie started dating this guy, they grew apart and Kelsey is still upset about it. Still, Vanessa is friendly enough with her. Annie brings us a free appetizer of cheese fries and an extra breadbasket.
“Shortcake, if you don’t stop eating that bread, you’re gonna gain too much weight to be a jockey,” Dad says with a grin, and I smile through a mouthful, glad he still thinks I’ve got what it takes to race.
Vanessa keeps asking Cindy a bazillion questions about the baby. “Like, do you know what the baby is thinking?”
“I think I know when she’s mad—she kicks up a storm. She’s doing it right now.”
I reach over and touch her stomach. The baby’s feet feel like drumbeats. “Porsche is gonna be a drummer.”
Cindy gives me a wry smile. “We are not naming the baby after a car.”
When Rory drops me off at Cedar Hill after school the next day, I find a Facebook message from Alex asking me to call him. Sometimes it really sucks not having a cell.
I use the house cordless to call him and he picks up on the second ring. “Hey, you,” I say, unable to keep the smile off my face.
“Hey.” I can hear his grin through the phone.
“What are you doing?” I lie down on the couch and point my toes toward the ceiling, excited that I’m talking to a cute boy on the phone. The gardener, Mr. Wallace, looks up from his newspaper and shakes his head at me.
“I wanted to talk to you about something…We’ve been having fun the past few weeks, right?”
“Yeah.”
I hear him take a deep breath. I slowly lower my legs to the couch.
“My ex and I…well, we dated since high school up until a couple of months ago, and I wanted to let you know that we still talk—”
“And?” I say, suddenly out of breath.
“I’m not saying she and I are serious again or anything.”
“What?” I’m so confused. It’s not like Alex and I are exclusive, but we did make out.
“It’s not fair to you if I’m starting to talk to my ex again.”
“Yeah, it’s not…” I say with a wobbly voice. “Do you love her?”
“I’ll always love her…but just because you love somebody doesn’t mean you should be with them. It’s harder than that.”
It sure is.
“I want to keep spending time with you,” Alex says.
“So you’re telling me that we can keep seeing each other, but you might work things out with your ex?”
“Yeah, kinda,” he says quietly. “God, that makes me sound like a complete asshole.”
“Yeah, kinda.” Believe it or not, hearing that he loves someone brings a small smile to my face. I don’t want to lose him, because I’ve enjoyed kissing him and hanging out, but I want to be with a guy who’s 100 percent there. I want a guy who’s all mine. And considering how often I think of Jack, I never would have been 100 percent there for Alex. And that’s just not right.
“It might be good if you focus on her, all right?”
Our conversation doesn’t last much longer—it’s just Alex apologizing over and over, and I tell him it’s okay, even though I don’t really feel okay.
We hang up and I set the cordless back in the docking station. Well. That sucks. I stick my thumbs in my eyes to keep the tears at bay. I want someone I can laugh, cuddle, and talk with anytime I want, someone who truly wants me. Loves me.
At least I’ve got other things to do this afternoon. After blowing my nose, I go to my room, put on my nicest outfit—black pants and a white shirt that belonged to Mom—and charge up to the manor house. I know I’m not allowed inside unless I’m working, but I’m not gonna sit around waiting for Mr. Goodwin to cross my path.
I sneak in the back kitchen door and head through the dining room to the main staircase that leads up to the suite of offices. I spot Paula spraying Windex on a mirror. I sneak down a different hallway and go up another set of stairs.
When I reach Mr. Goodwin’s assistant’s desk, she sets down her letter opener and the envelope she’s holding. “Can I help you?”
“I’d like to make an appointment,” I say, holding my chin high.
Jack appears in the doorway of his office. “Are you here to see me?” he asks, looking hopeful.
I summon my strongest voice. “No. I need to discuss something with your father.”