“Hmm?” he mumbles, playing with my hair.
“If I were to, like, go see the guidance counselor tomorrow at school…would you, um, come with me?”
“What are you going to talk to her about?”
“I was looking at some colleges online but I don’t know if any of them will work for me…because Dad can’t pay for any of it.” I suck in a deep breath, embarrassed out of my mind. “And if the guidance counselor says something I don’t understand I thought maybe you could help me?”
Jack kisses my head. “Sure. I can do that. But don’t you think you should bring your dad, not me?”
I grasp his T-shirt and twist it, holding on tight. “I talked to him and Cindy a little while ago, and my dad brought up college when I was telling them about me and you and how we might be together and I don’t think he wants me to apply—”
“You told your dad and Cindy about us?” He sits up straight, knocking me off his chest. I bring myself to a sitting position and start to resnap my bra. Why’s he acting so skittish? “Why did you do that?”
“I like talking to my dad,” I say quietly.
“You told him what we did last night?” he exclaims.
“No, no,” I say, waving my hands. I swallow hard, feeling tears burn my eyes again. “I just told Dad and Cindy that I like you and I’m not gonna stay away from you like they want me to.”
“I wish you would’ve talked to me before just announcing we’re, like, a couple or whatever,” Jack says, dragging a hand through his hair. He looks seriously pissed.
“I didn’t tell him that!” I nervously pick blades of grass. “I told them I like you…and wanted to be with you, that’s all.”
Jack lets out a long breath. “Look, I’m glad you feel that way, but we can’t have a real relationship.”
“We can’t?” I whisper.
“You know we can’t. I thought you wanted to be together…like, in secret. As friends with benefits.”
Did he really just say friends with benefits?
“Like, we’d hook up, but we’d never go out on dates and stuff?”
“Yeah. We’d be together on the down low.”
Did he really just say down low?
“Why can’t we just try it for real? See what people say?”
Jack won’t stop clutching his hair. “Is your father gonna tell my dad? You can’t let him tell my father! I have to show him I’m a good owner who respects his staff.”
Tears have already begun to drip down my cheeks. I wipe them away as quickly as I can. If he didn’t hold all the power before, he does now. I gave it to him.
“I’ll make sure my dad doesn’t say anything,” I say quietly.
“Good, because my dad hasn’t finished the Paradise Park deal yet. If the Winchesters think I’m dating somebody else, it’ll ruin everything for Dad.” Jack shakes his head. He looks pissed.
This is one of those bad memories that’s going to play on repeat over and over in my head. Like the memories of Moonshadow. I can’t believe I shared her story with Jack. Maybe I was right before. Rich people are all alike. Only care about their goddamned money. Only care about what’s best for them.
I dig my fingernails into my palm, trying to decide the best thing to say. Something I won’t regret when I look back on this moment.
It’s weird. I’ve never felt so many things at once. Anger. Shame. Sadness.
More humiliation than I’ve ever experienced.
But mostly pride for what I’m about to do.
“I won’t do this in secret,” I say. “It’s terrible that a business deal is dependent on you playing Abby Winchester. I hate that a deal is more important than my feelings. Do you have any idea how shitty it’s gonna feel to tell Dad and Cindy that they were right about you?”
“What about me?” he mumbles, his nostrils flaring.
I laugh harshly. “They said you lose interest in girls after a couple days and that I wasn’t anything special. They’re right. If I were special, you wouldn’t want to keep me a secret.”
“It’s not that, Sava—”
“Save it,” I reply, crossing my arms across my stomach. I feel sick. I can’t believe what I just did with him…and then this happens. “You may not respect me, but I respect myself enough to not do this with you. I hope your dad gets his racetrack and I hope it’s worth what it’s costing you: me.”
Dead Last
“Do you want me to kick his ass?”
I try to focus on my geometry homework through my anger.
“Because I can kick his ass,” Rory goes on.
Vanessa nods. “And if you won’t let Rory kick his ass, I’ll do it.”
“Guys, I can kick his ass myself,” I say, sniffling and wiping my nose.
During study hall, I’ve just finished telling my friends about what happened with Jack. I left out the part about how I went down on him. Can you say Big Mistake? Vanessa and Rory warned me about Jack. I feel ashamed that they know I’m nothing special to him.
He didn’t join me for lunch or study hall today, instead choosing to sit with Kelsey Painter and Colton Bradford. She’s chattering to Jack nonstop and Colton’s resting his head on the table. On the one hand, I’m glad Jack didn’t sit with me, because I don’t want to smell his cologne and risk burying my face in his neck. At the same time, the hurt and embarrassment are pumping through my veins.
“It’s fine,” I say quietly, chewing my eraser. “I mean, I could still be with him if I want.”
“But you’d have to keep him a secret,” Vanessa says. “That is such a dick move.”
“I’d never ask a girl to be secret friends with benefits or whatever,” Rory says, stretching an arm around Vanessa.
“You’d better not. You have a girlfriend now, remember?” she says.
They grin at each other lovingly and my insides curl up and die.
“My cousin, Alex, texted me yesterday.” Rory gives me a sly smile. “He asked about you. Who you are and stuff.”
“Really?” I ask. I haven’t even thought about Alex since Saturday night.
“He’s single now. We should all do something together soon,” Rory says, and Vanessa nods. I don’t need a guy to feel happy, but I like the idea of meeting more Tennessee people.
“Yeah, that might be good,” I say softly, sneaking a peek at Jack. Even though lunch ended an hour ago and we’re in the library, he’s digging around in the cooler Yvonne packed for him.
“Don’t look at him!” Vanessa blurts.
“I can’t help it,” I say. I hate that I feel weak.
“That’s it,” Vanessa says, throwing her pencil down. “Next weekend, you and I are going to the Infinity club in Nashville. The one that lets people under eighteen in.”
“Sounds fun,” Rory says.
“You’re not invited. It’s girls only,” Vanessa says.
“But I have some new dance moves to share.” Rory pouts.
“You can show me in private,” Vanessa says, and I nearly barf.
I stuff my worksheet into my math book and stand. Vanessa and Rory are already too busy kissing to notice me taking off, but Jack follows me with his eyes as I leave the library. He seems sad—he doesn’t even notice that Kelsey is stealing a Capri Sun from his cooler. When she sees him staring at me, she taps his hand.
He quickly shakes his head and turns his focus to her, listening to whatever she’s saying.
And that’s just fine.
When Rory drops me off at Cedar Hill after school, I go to Hillcrest to ditch my backpack before my training session with Gael.
Dad and Cindy look up when I enter the common room, but Dad doesn’t meet my eyes. “Savannah,” he starts. “I need to take Cindy to the doctor this afternoon. She’s tired and couldn’t hold any food down this weekend. I’m worried.”
“Didn’t you just see the doctor a couple of weeks ago?”
“I’m not taking chances,” Dad says, touching her stomach.
I suddenly feel choked up. Not only because I’m worried about the baby, but because yesterday’s argument with Dad is still hanging in the air. If Mom were here, would she know what to say to make me feel better?
“Savannah,” Cindy says, rubbing her eyes. I go kneel in front of her chair. “Can you help me again? I’m so sorry to ask but I haven’t finished something for Mrs. Goodwin and she’s having a charity meeting in the morning—”
“What is it?”
Cindy pauses for a sec. “I had started to wax the parlor floor but the smell was making me feel sick—”
“I’ll take care of it.” I charge to my room to change into grungy clothes.
“Savannah,” Dad calls, but I shut my bedroom door before I can hear what he wants. He doesn’t care what I want anyway. Why should I bother with him? Especially after I’ve been trying to help our family.
When I come back out into the common room, it’s empty. Dad and Cindy have left for the doctor without saying good-bye. Whatever.
Up at the manor house, Paula shows me where to find the wax for the floor and gives me a quick tutorial. I dip an old T-shirt in the wax and wring it out so the shirt won’t absorb too much wax and kneel, massaging the wax into the wood floor. Paula said that when the wax begins to look cloudy, I should use a clean towel to buff the wood. Damn, being a maid is harder than riding a horse. Waxing is killing both my arms.
I hear laughter and footsteps coming through the foyer toward the steps. I look up to find Kelsey and Jack standing in the doorway to the parlor.
Hell. Could my life become any more embarrassing? Before you know it, I’ll be cleaning toilets like Marcus Winchester’s servants.
Kelsey focuses on me for a sec, looking confused, then goes back to typing on her cell and begins to climb the stairs. “Come on, Jack.” Is she going to his room? Are they going to hook up?
He ignores her and steps into the room, his nose crinkling. “What are you doing?”
“What does it look like I’m doing?” I snap.
“Waxing the floor. Why isn’t Paula or Cindy doing it? Or even Yvonne?”
“Because it’s Cindy’s job and she had to go to the doctor. And we can’t afford to lose her hours. Somebody has to work.” I bend back over and wax harder.
“What a good idea,” a voice says. I glance up to find Gael standing there. Can this day get any goddamned worse? “I should have all my jockeys and exercise boys wax floors. It’s great for upper body strength. Savannah, can you wax my truck before our training session?”
I glare at both of them.
“Gael, can you give us a minute, please?” Jack says in a soft voice.
Gael raises his eyebrows and vamooses quicker than you can say on your mark.
Jack squats next to me, picks up the old T-shirt, and sniffs it, getting a grossed out look on his face. I snatch it out of his hand and rub the floor, trying to ignore the fresh smell of his laundered clothes and cologne.