After I nodded, Ryan leaned in and kissed the corner of my mouth. I let my feelings for him as a friend bleed through the awkwardness so Jared wouldn’t be tipped off. I smiled at him as he turned to walk down the hal .
Over the next weeks, Ryan kept me busy going to the movies, meeting for lunch, and accompanying me to dinner. We spent time together every night, and shared a table at breakfast every morning. He even began to forgo plans with his friends. Soon, everyone was convinced that we were having a not-so-secret relationship.
It was uncomfortable for both of us at first, but after the first week we settled into our new roles. Ryan made a game of it, as he did everything else.
We bet on how soon someone would ask us to announce our relationship, and who it would be.
Our friendship grew stronger as the days past, and I began depending on him for more than fooling Jared. Ryan anesthetized the pain, and it wasn’t long before I found myself making excuses to be around him.
The day final y came that I had bet that Kim would ask what our status was. I made a show of stretching my legs across Ryan’s lap.
“Cheater,” Ryan whispered, too low for anyone else to hear.
“Okay. Are you guys together or not?” Kim asked.
Ryan grinned at me and I lifted al five of my fingers, reminding him that he owed me fifty bucks. Ryan shook his head at my gloating and then scanned the table. Everyone waited eagerly for the answer.
“Obviously,” he said as he rubbed my leg.
A broad smile spread across Kim’s face. “I knew it.”
Beth and Chad exchanged glances. I didn’t have to ask what was wrong because I already knew; she thought I was making a huge mistake.
“Wel , that explains why you’ve been bailing on us every weekend,” Josh said.
“Why don’t we al go out Friday?” Ryan shrugged.
I shot a surprised look at him and he smiled. Jared’s birthday was Sunday and the only present I could give him was to spend the weekend alone.
“I have plans with my mom this weekend,” I explained.
Ryan reached out to rub my shoulder. “But not until Saturday, right, Babe? We can go to the pub Friday.”
I held my breath to keep from lashing out at him. I couldn’t blow our cover by refusing to go to the pub or it would look suspicious. Even worse, I couldn’t tear into him later because Jared would hear.
“So are you going?” Beth asked.
“It looks that way,” I said, trying not to glare at Ryan.
Leaving the Ratty, I noticed something was different. I had held my breath and braced myself for Jared to be outside the door, but Jared wasn’t in his usual spot. He wasn’t waiting for me at al . My eyes fil ed with tears. I had final y hurt him enough to push him away.
“What’s wrong, Nigh?” Ryan asked, touching my back.
I couldn’t speak. Jared had final y given in. I had won…and I had lost.
“Nina,” Beth said, bringing me under her wing like a mother hen. “Let’s go home.”
“Do you want me to come?” Ryan cal ed after us.
“I’ve got her,” Beth waved him off as we continued walking.
As soon as Beth closed the door, her expression was morphed from sympathetic to incensed.
“Okay, you are going to tel me what’s going on, and you’re going to tel me now…or so help me, I’m going to cal Cynthia!”
While I contemplated whether I would lie or tel the truth, Beth stomped her foot.
“Nina!”
“I’m fine.”
Beth narrowed her eyes. “I know you’re fine. Everyone knows you’re fine. But you’re not fine! And what are you doing with Ryan? You look ridiculous!”
My head jerked to meet her glare, acutely aware of the microphone in the vent. “We’ve been friends for months, Beth. I care about him, and he cares about me. We’re just trying to see where it goes.”
“Liar,” she seethed, rol ing her eyes. “You love Jared. I don’t know why he’s practical y stalking you, or why you won’t talk to him when it was so obvious today that you miss him…but I know that you love him. And he loves you!” she said, the pitch of her voice rising with each point.
“You don’t know as much as you think you do,” I grumbled.
“Jared looks miserable, Nina. Don’t you care?”
I closed my eyes. “Can we please not talk about this?” I begged.
Beth sat beside me on my bed, her voice quiet. “You need to talk to someone.”
“The only person I can talk to about it is Jared, and I can’t talk to him.”
“Says who?” she asked, wrinkling her nose in disgust.
“Me.”
She rol ed her eyes. “Right. Because you’re saving him.”
I shook my head and looked at her. “Why are you pushing this? I thought you liked Ryan.”
“I do. But you belong with Jared. It’s your happiness that I’m worried about, and you’re not happy right now. You are the absolute opposite of happy,”
she said, touching my arm.
“I’m doing the right thing,” I said, wiping the tears. “I am.”
“How can it be the right thing when you’re so sad?”
For me, the discussion was over. I walked across the room to pul a pair of pajamas from the drawer.
“Nina, no. You’re not going to sleep. You sleep al the time. You’ve got to find another way to cope. Or just quit coping…go to him.”
“Shut up, Beth.”
Beth’s attention was drawn to the knocking at our door. I walked over, pajamas in hand, and opened the door. Ryan’s hat was pul ed low over his eyes so that al I could see was his perfect white smile and his deep dimple.
He thrust a smal stack of papers at me and smiled. “I brought notes,” he said, pul ing his hat up. “We have finals next week, you know.”
“Thanks,” I said, setting the papers on my desk.
“What are you up to this afternoon? You wanna go get some coffee?” he asked, his eyes fixating on the pajamas in my hand. “Oh, no. You’re not going to sleep.” With that, Ryan grabbed my pajamas from my hands and tossed them across the room.
“I’m tired. I didn’t sleep wel last night,” I whined.
“You’re always tired. You need to get out in the sun. It’s a nice day. We could go hang out on the greens.”
I shook my head, trying to push away any memories that thought created.
Ryan’s eyes narrowed, and then his mouth broke into a smile. “That’s it. You and I are going downtown, waste time driving around, and then I’m taking you to dinner.”
“I don’t think….”
“And then we’re going to the pub and getting smashed. You’ve had that kind of day,” he said, stil grinning.
Beth looked up at us from her book. “She’s had that kind of month. I’l cal Chad. We’l meet you there.”
“It’s a date,” Ryan said, wiping the mascara from under my eyes with both thumbs. “I’l be back in an hour. I want you dressed for a night out on the town.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Is that a demand?”
“Yes. I’m a demanding boyfriend and I demand that you have a fun-fil ed afternoon ful of slogan games, boutiques, good food and liquor. I’l even make you to get a manicure. Girls like that crap, right?”
“Oh! Can I go? I need a mani-pedi so bad!” Beth whined.
I shot her a dismayed look. “Are you serious?”
“I am so serious. Ryan and Chad can drop us off, go do boy things, and come back at dinner time. We can get polished and waxed and…I hate to say it, Nigh, but you need a makeover. I’m getting in the shower!” she said, grabbing her things.
“Be—,” I began, but she was already out the door. I glowered at Ryan. “I don’t feel like going out tonight.”
“Please?” he pleaded. He encircled me in his arms and swayed back and forth, pressing his cheek against mine. “One last hurrah before finals week? If you don’t have a good time, you can make me miserable for the rest of my life. Deal?” he asked, leaning me back until my hair touched the floor.
I had to smile. He was trying so hard to cheer me up. “Okay.”
A huge grin swept Ryan’s face and he righted us both. “I’l pick you up in an hour. See you soon,” he said as he disappeared down the hal .
Fifty-six minutes later, the door was under attack by loud, incessant knocking. When Beth swung the door open, Chad and Ryan were stil knocking on it with both fists.
“It’s open!” Beth shouted over the banging.
“Don’t you look awesome!” Chad said, kissing Beth sweetly on the cheek.
“Aw…you know I love it when you use the big words,” she laughed, wrapping her arms around him.
Ryan stared at me.
“What?” I asked, looking down at my little black dress. “Too much?”
“No! No…it’s just…I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in a dress. It’s nice.”
I shrugged. “I thought it’d make me feel better to dress up.”
“Did it?”
“I think so,” I smiled.
Ryan rol ed down the windows of his black Toyota Tundra and cranked the radio to the first rock song he turned to. The boys sang along, but I stil couldn’t understand the words. Beth and I giggled at the funny faces they made as they serenaded amused and sometimes bewildered pedestrians as we passed.
At the salon, Beth and I stepped out onto the sidewalk and waved as the Tundra disappeared around the corner.
“Those boys.” Beth shook her head before turning to me. “C’mon!” she said, yanking me inside.
I sunk into my seat as my hands and feet were brushed, scrubbed, filed, de-cuticled, polished and lotioned. Beth prattled on to the nail techs about our plans for the night, how wonderful her boyfriend was and her upcoming apartment hunt.
“You’re staying in Providence?” I asked, my eyebrows shooting upward.
She smiled. “Chad wants to get an apartment together. I didn’t want to say anything before… with everything going on.”
“You didn’t want to upset me.”
Beth bit her lip and nodded.
“You could have told me, Beth. I think it’s fantastic,” I said, grabbing her hand.
“You do?”
“You two are amazing together. You don’t need to worry about me, I’l be fine,” I said, squeezing her hand.
“Yeah…you being fine is exactly what I’m worried about,” she grumbled.
Two hours later, Ryan’s Tundra honked from the curb. Ryan opened the door for us and then hopped back in, turning the music down.
“Did you have a good time, Babe?” he asked, kissing my cheek.
“Yeah, it was fun,” I answered.
“Wel , you look gorgeous. I’m afraid to take you anywhere looking like that. I might have to fight somebody,” he said, winking.
“Quit it,” I smiled, rol ing my eyes.
We arrived at the pub, and I could hear the music thumping from the street. I knew Kim had beaten us there, because it was her crazy music filtering through the door. When we walked in, our friends were already on the dance floor, arms up, bouncing around. Ryan grabbed my hand and led me to the middle of the floor, twirling me around.
In that moment I was just like them. I was a normal col ege student, with my entire normal life ahead of me. I smiled, and it felt natural. I drank shots, toasted to the Big Brown Bear, and hugged my friends. It was bittersweet freedom.
The music slowed, and Ryan pul ed me to him. We were both sticky from dancing, and I pul ed the wet strands of my bangs away from my face.
Holding my hand up to the dim light, he smiled. “Those are some pretty nails you have there.”
“My boyfriend forced me to go to the spa today. He made me spend the afternoon with one of my girlfriends,” I teased.
“Real y? He sounds like a great guy. If I were you, I’d hang on to him…sounds like a keeper.”
I watched his face for a moment and then rested my cheek on his shoulder. Ryan wrapped his arms tighter around me and pressed his face into my hair.
“It wouldn’t be so bad, would it?” he whispered in my ear. “If we stopped pretending?”
I shut my eyes and remained silent.
We returned to the bar for another round of shots when I saw Kim heading outside, a cigarette already between her lips. I stumbled out behind her and raked my matted hair from my forehead as she flicked her lighter.
“Can I have one?” I asked, breathless and weaving.
“You want a cigarette?” she asked in disbelief.
I nodded and Kim shrugged, pul ing a stubby white stick from the smal box she was holding.
I put the cigarette between my lips flicked the lighter. Just as it sparked, Jared appeared in front of me with a disgusted look on his face.
“What are you doing?” He pul ed the cigarette from my mouth, broke it in half, and threw it to the ground. “You don’t smoke.” He frowned in disapproval, and I shrunk back into Kim.
“You’re drunk, Ryan’s drunk, I’m taking you home,” he said in a father-like tone.
I turned to open the door to the pub, but Jared grabbed my wrist. “Then let me cal you a cab,” his voice lost its authority and I winced at the pain in his voice.
Jared’s hand was the same warm blanket I remembered. After the number of drinks I’d had, I couldn’t hide my feelings. Jared’s eyes became animated in reaction.
He looked down to my hand and caressed my skin with his thumb. He had sensed the pensive feeling I’d had at his touch.
I pul ed away. “You need to go.”
“I can’t let you go with him when he’s been drinking.”
“Ryan already—,” I began.
“Jared,” Ryan said, bursting out of the bar. He nodded once at Jared and then looked at me and smiled. “Hey, Babe,” he said, jerking me against him and planting his mouth on mine.
