Prologue
~ Hayley ~
I couldn't pretend that my life hadn't changed. But I also couldn't bring myself to regret the irrevocable consequences that forever changed me. I learned the true meaning of selflessness and what it meant to love someone so much you'd give up everything for them. I finally understood what it meant to sacrifice your own heart, just to allow another to beat.
One night.
One stupid decision.
And the most precious of consequences.
Chapter 1
~ August, 2013 ~
~ Hayley ~
“Hayley, sweetheart, you’re going to be late!” my grandmother calls up the stairs. Of course, I know this, but try explaining the concept of time to a two year old. Ari wriggles in my grasp, trying to crawl away from me while I pull a little pink sundress over her head.
“Just a sec, Gama,” I shout back. “Ari’s being difficult.”
I smile down at my daughter’s face and her answering giggle makes my heart flip. “What’s so funny, monkey pants?” I ask teasingly. “You like giving me a hard time, don’t you?” Her brown eyes brighten at the sound of my voice and she giggles again, waving her little fingers in the air. Until five minutes ago, I was nervous about today, but somehow Ari and her silliness have managed to ease my anxiety. It’s the first day I’ll be without her since she was born and as much as I’m dreading it, I know it’s time for me to restart the future I put on hold when I found out I was pregnant. Most girls my age would’ve given their baby up for adoption, knowing they’re not ready to be a mother at the tender age of seventeen. But I’m not one of those girls. Despite the circumstances surrounding the untimely conception of my daughter, I made the choice to live with the consequences of my actions and refused to regret a single moment of my life. Looking at the little face that so closely resembles mine; I find it impossible to wish that my situation was any different.
“Okay, Princess Ari,” I say, slipping a pair of soft, white shoes onto Ari’s feet. “Let’s get going before mommy’s late for school.” I stand up, lifting Ari onto my hip and grab her bag. I make sure she has everything she’ll need before heading downstairs and into the kitchen.
“There are my beautiful girls,” my grandmother chimes. She smiles at us and her eyes wrinkle at the sides. If I didn’t know any better I’d think she was a normal old lady, but underneath that facade is whole lot of batshit crazy. Not that I mind. My grandmother has been my rock, my best friend and the only support I’ve had over the last two years. Without her, I have no idea where Ari and I would be.
“Are you ready for your first day of daycare, Arianna?” my grandmother coos. She closes the distance between us, reaching for Ari, and I let her go. “Gama,” Ari squeals delightfully. She mumbles something incoherently and I stifle a laugh when my grandmother responds as if they’re having a normal conversation. I leave the kitchen to grab my school bag, stopping in the hallway when I see a framed picture of my parents hanging on the wall. My father looks younger, happier, and my mother has the same sour expression on her face that I got used to seeing. Part of me misses them, but I push those feelings away quicker than they surface. They have no place in my life, especially after how I left things when I moved away during my senior year of high school. I shake my head, as if it will clear the past from my mind, and take my school bag from the bottom of the stairs. It’s my first day of college but I’m more nervous about Ari’s first day of daycare.
“Hayley Tanner, if you don’t hurry your ass up, you’re going to be late for school,” my grandmother chides behind me. Ari slips past her and comes running down the hallway, jumping straight into my arms.
“Huwwy you ass up, momma.” she says.
“Arianna, don’t say ‘ass’,” I reply sternly, giving my grandmother a look. If we’re not careful, Ari repeats everything we say, including the occasional cuss word my grandmother lets slip when she’s mad.
“Sowwy momma.” Ari ducks her head into my shoulder. I kiss her head of brown curls and inhale her sweet scent. It’s one of the most comforting things about this little miracle, the way she smells and the way she fits into my arms so perfectly. We say goodbye to my grandmother and as soon as I start the quick drive to Ari’s new daycare center, she starts singing in the backseat. I watch her in the mirror as her little voice fills the car. Her happiness is infectious, and when her face lights up with hope and love, it’s easy to forget how she got here. But I will never forget. It’s a night that changed my life forever and a night I’m not sure I can bring myself to regret…
~ 2 years ago, December 2011, Senior year ~
I walk into the palatial mansion and immediately feel out of place. There are people filling every open area I can see. Some stand around talking, their blue cups filled with cheap beer, while others gyrate against each other to the rhythm of the music. I can feel the vibration of the music in my chest as it travels through the crowd in waves. I shouldn’t be here, and my mind won’t stop telling me to leave. But I can’t. I push my way through the mob of hot, sweaty bodies until I’m standing in the living room. Heads bob up and down as a new, faster song starts to play through the speakers. Looking around, I notice how the guys in the room eye my body with appreciation, no doubt after hearing the rumors that have surfaced at school. The girls, on the other hand, look at me with disgust, muttering the word ‘slut’ and ‘whore’ under their breaths. They’re half right. But I don’t owe them an explanation for my lewd behavior. I don’t owe anyone anything really; least of all insight into my sad, black hole of a life. I’m about to make my way back towards the front door, with every intention of leaving, when a familiar voice stops me.
“You came,” he says behind me. I turn around and come face-to-face with Kyle Henderson. The playboy. The football captain. And the boy I’ve been crushing on since I was twelve. He’s only a year older than I am, but his chiseled jaw, high cheekbones and light blonde stubble make him look far more mature than any other boy his age. And I use the term ‘boy’ loosely; referring only to the parts of him that, in fact, make him a boy. Kyle is a man, albeit a walking cliché with his perfect blonde hair, Adonis-like physique and roguish charm. He’s also trouble. And I happen to be in the mood for trouble.
“You asked me to,” I reply. A strange feeling washes over me, resembling something close to shyness. It’s unfamiliar. I don’t do shy, least of all with guys. But Kyle makes me feel it, however unwelcome it is.
“Funny,” he says. “I didn’t peg you for someone who does what she’s told, Hayls.” His lips curve into a smirk and it’s easy to see why the girls at school fall over themselves when they’re in his presence. His confident persona is disarming. I lift my chin, hoping that he can’t see the cracks in my superficial confidence. “I don’t.”
Taking a step closer, he stares into my eyes. “I’m glad you came,” he says. “Can I get you a drink?”
“Anything but beer.”
He chuckles. “Wait here. I’ll be right back.”
I nod. When he disappears into the swell of people, I feel eyes burning a hole in the side of my head. I turn slightly, only to catch Kimber Allen glaring at me. I can’t help the smile that slips onto my face. I know she was watching my exchange with Kyle and judging by her expression, she isn’t happy about it. Good. Maybe now she’ll shut those Botox lips of hers and stop spreading rumors about me. Or just stop spreading the false ones, at least. It’s no secret that she hates me, or that she has made the most of my self-destructive behavior and used it to her benefit. But I can’t blame her. I’ve brought all of it on myself, willingly, in an attempt to ease the numbness that has consumed me and feel something, even if it’s just physical.