I wanted to apologize right then and there, but the kids were waiting and I didn’t want to make my apologies in front of Sylvie. Shoving my concern for him out of my mind, I focused on the kids and their excitement that we were nearing the epic conclusion of the third Harry Potter book.
Aware of the time pressing toward the end of my session with the kids, my nerves started to grow wings. I had full-on belly flutters way before Jan came in to tell us our time was up. As always, Sylvie let me say goodbye to the kids before she tugged on my hand and drew me outside to find Aidan. He glanced up at our approach, quickly finished typing something on his phone, and then stood up, slipping his phone back into his pocket. As he smiled down at Sylvie and asked if she had fun, those flutters in my belly were accompanied by that flip of attraction.
I was obsessed with his smile. The sexy crinkles at the corners of his eyes, the slant of cocky mischief, no matter what provoked the smile.
“Lunch!” Sylvie announced, leading the way.
“Let me guess,” Aidan said. “Mac and cheese.”
Sylvie rolled her eyes. “It’s not like it’s a hard guess, Uncle Aidan.” She threw me a look as if to say, “He thinks he’s so smart.” I couldn’t help but laugh.
But Aidan wasn’t laughing. He’d withdrawn into himself as he walked silently behind us to the cafeteria. Sylvie glanced over her shoulder at him every now and then, frowning, followed by a look at me, as if she knew I was the reason he wasn’t acting his usual easy-going self.
Even mad at me, however, he wouldn’t let me pay for lunch. “You paid last time,” he stated flatly.
The awful tension increased and by the time we were sitting with our food at the table in the quiet cafeteria, I could feel my panic building. Whether it was fear that Sylvie would start to question us and get upset, or fear that I was losing whatever connection I’d made with Aidan, I didn’t know. Maybe it was both. It was probably both.
“So, is Miss Robertson teaching you anything interesting?” I desperately sought conversation from the one Lennox who still liked me.
Sylvie scrunched up her face in thought. “She’s teaching me about the Scottish Wars of Independence. That’s pretty cool.”
That sounded pretty violent. They were starting kids young on that stuff, huh. “Well, someday you can tell me all about it. My knowledge of Scottish history isn’t great.”
“You should sit in with Miss Robertson and me,” Sylvie said, excited by the prospect. “Uncle Aidan, can Nora share my lessons?”
“No, sweetheart, I’m afraid not.”
His emphatic tone told her that his response was final. Her little brows puckered together as she looked between us in confusion.
Hurt by Aidan’s cold treatment and knowing I had no right to be, I struggled to say something, anything to break the tension.
My struggle was brought to an abrupt halt when Sylvie pushed back her chair. “There’s Jan. I need to ask her something.” And like a bolt of lightning, she was across the cafeteria before we could stop her.
We both turned to make sure Jan was in fact there. She was. And whatever Sylvie said made Jan look over at us. She gave us both a reassuring nod and then led Sylvie out of the cafeteria.
What the ever-loving fuck?
Slowing, I turned back in my chair to see Aidan focused on his plate. There was no sign that he was angry about Sylvie deliberately leaving us alone. And we both knew it was deliberate because there was still a full plate of uneaten mac and cheese on the table.
However, Aidan remained unmoved. He appeared cool and remote.
And tired.
Tired and alone.
Feeling anguish for him and a longing I couldn’t deny, I realized that since he confided in me that day at the beach, I didn’t feel so intimidated by him anymore. He felt more human now, more real, more real to me than very few people ever had. Because for the first time in a long time, I’d connected with someone. I had connected with him and I couldn’t deny that.
And I think Aidan had connected with me too, otherwise he wouldn’t have told me about his pain, and he wouldn’t be so angry with me now.
It was time to be brave.
Brave for him.
“Donovan is a small town. It was too small for me.”
Aidan’s head jerked up.
“At first it didn’t feel too small because my dad was this larger-than-life character who promised me that I was going to go out into the world and be somebody. He filled my head with dreams while my mom worked too much to care. Dad had his own construction company and we lived in a nice house compared to most people in Donovan, so it didn’t seem implausible that I would be someone someday.
“But it changed. My dad had diabetes and his company was so successful, he got too busy and stopped taking care of himself. He ended up with gangrene in his leg and they had to amputate. He had to sell his company for less than what it was worth, we lost the house, and we moved into a small place that was just big enough to get a wheelchair through the doorways.” It felt like another life now, and that emotional distance only made the guilt over leaving my parents tenfold. “I was eleven and my mom had to work even more hours to make up the loss of income. Suddenly, I was my dad’s caretaker. And he wasn’t the dad I’d grown up with anymore. He was mad at the world and he could be a mean son of a bitch.” I looked deep into Aidan’s eyes and said pointedly, “I loved him, but I resented him too.”
Understanding softened his expression, giving me the strength to continue.
“It wasn’t easy but I had Mel. She was my best friend growing up. Sylvie reminds me so much of her, it’s uncanny. She was the only one who knew about the plays I had stashed away in a shoebox under my bed. She was the only one who knew I wanted to be a stage actress. I did some shows when I was a kid, and I loved falling into the part, and the way it made the audience so happy.” I blinked away those memories. “Mel believed I could do it and she got it because she had big dreams of getting out of Donovan too, and becoming a singer in a rock band.” I laughed sadly, the sound immediately followed by wet in my eyes. “She died when we were thirteen. Cancer. I used to visit her and entertain her and the friends she made there, reading and acting books out loud.”
Aidan sighed, the sound sad. “Nora.”
“I know.” I blinked the tears away. “Everything all starts to make sense. But it doesn’t. None of it really makes sense. Losing Mel. Losing my dad. And losing my dream because suddenly my parents were telling me there was ‘no money for college, and anyway, who would look after Dad?’ I was working at a fast-food restaurant when I graduated. I should’ve been at the college of my choice. I’d worked for it, I’d earned it, but I never got it. And I was drowning, Aidan. I couldn’t breathe.
“Then Jim came along. This Scottish, flirty boy who took one look at me and for whatever reason I will never understand, fell in love. When he asked me to run away with him and get married, I knew it was crazy. But I was convinced that I loved him too, and that with him I could have the life I wanted. The idea of living in Scotland was so exciting. It blinded me. And I left my parents there without facing them. I left them a letter and snuck off in the night. I left them and now they won’t talk to me. My letters return unopened. I’ve never gone back. And Jim …” I paused, the words getting stuck in my throat.
“What happened, Nora?”
The guilt rose out of where I tried to bury it, and the grief was too much. All I could see was Jim’s face as he looked at me on his knees, silently pleading with me to love him, asking me to choose him. It felt like someone was crushing my ribs as the tears let loose, spilling down my cheeks one after the other after the other. “He loved me too much. He didn’t want me to have anything that would take me from him. And I was trapped all over again, working a shitty job I didn’t care about, lying to myself to keep the peace between us. I wasn’t in love with him,” I confessed on a sob. “I didn’t realize until it was too late. And he knew and he still wanted me. I stole from him, Aidan. Those years with him were stolen. He could have spent those with a girl who would’ve loved him the way he deserved to be loved. I’ve disappointed everyone. My parents. Jim. Mel. God, Jim … I hate myself, Aidan. I hate myself for letting his last years on this earth be with someone he knew didn’t love him the way he loved her. I can never make up for that. Never.” I was crying so hard, it took me a moment to realize Aidan had gotten out of his seat. But then I felt him pull me up out of mine so he could wrap his arms around me. Mine automatically wrapped around his waist and I buried my head in his chest, letting his kindness draw all my tears out.