I left Dane’s t-shirt on and pulled on a pair of cotton shorts. Slowly sliding under the covers, I finally let go. I cried because my heart was lying back in his apartment in a million pieces. I cried because I realized that I would never love like this again. Dane had my heart and I would never get it back. I cried because I had happiness in my hand and threw it away. I cried until there were no more tears left to fall down my cheek and slipped back into the numbness that engulfed me before I gave my heart to Dane.
After hours of crying, I must have fallen asleep because I was jolted awake by pounding at the door. I didn’t have to look to see who it was. Instead I pulled the covers tightly over my head, willing the sound to go away. “Alex, open this goddamn door! Right. Now.” I knew he would be upset, but I hadn’t prepared myself for what I would do when he came to my door. He wasn’t going to leave here without an explanation and I owed him one. I owed him everything, but I wasn’t strong enough to give it to him.
“Alex, Baby, please just tell me what I did.” His voice was so pained. My poor, sweet Dane. I didn’t want him to think he did anything wrong, but I couldn’t will any words out of my mouth. Every minute I looked at his sad expression and heard the pain in his voice felt like another nail to my already fragile heart.
“Alex, I’m not leaving until you talk to me,” he said, his voice a little lower. It was quiet for a while before I heard him yell “Fuck!” and what sounded like a fist making contact with the wall outside my door. I winced. I desperately wanted to go out there and tell him everything would be okay, but I knew it wouldn’t. My life was stuck in a compressor and I had nowhere to go. I felt so hopeless: I knew exactly what I wanted, but I couldn’t have it.
It had been quiet for along time when I heard Jade’s voice outside the door. “What are you doing down there?” I hadn’t planned on Jade coming home. I scolded myself for not texting her, but now it was too late. I heard Dane’s voice, but couldn’t make out his words as Jade turned her key in the lock.
Jade walked in as Dane practically shoved her out of the way, making his way to my side of the room in a few short steps and pulling the covers from my face. His eyes were puffy and bloodshot. I closed my eyes, trying to combat my growing guilt. “Why wouldn’t you answer the door? Why did you shut me out? What did I do?” He kneeled beside the bed and cupped my cheeks in his hands. “Alex, talk to me. You can’t just leave me a f**king note and expect me stay away.” I opened my eyes to meet his. They are full of so much pain. “Say something, please.”
“Dane, you need to go.” My voice was shaky as tears rolled down my cheeks once again.
“I’m not going anywhere until you talk to me,” he snapped. The hurt and anger I heard in his voice broke me. For as long as I lived, I would see that pained expression every time I closed my eyes. How could I hurt the man that I loved? Was I really any better than them? Then I remember my plastic heart, the gift from my upbringing. If my family members could do this, so could I. It was time to step back from my heart and detach myself completely. My whole body trembled at the realization, but it was the only way this was going to work.
I would never know where what came out of my mouth next came from. I took a deep breath and squared my shoulders. “I can’t be with you, Dane. I can’t love you the way you need to be loved; I thought I could but I can’t,” I said. Each word made my heart bleed a little more. This was draining everything out of me.
His brows pulled together as his forehead wrinkled. “What? I don’t believe one f**king word you’re saying to me right now.” I finally met his eyes again. Had he been crying? “What the f**k is going on, Alex? Talk to me.”
“Dane, you need to go!” There wasn’t much more I could take before I would completely cave to those glassy green eyes. I was breaking him and I knew it.
“Is there someone else?” Holy hell, where had this all gone so wrong? How could he even think there would be someone else while I was in love with him?
What I did next was wrong. It was so very wrong but Dane had given me an easy way out. “Yes,” I whispered, not meeting his eyes. My throat tightened when I spoke and I instantly felt sick. He let go of my face and the anger in his eyes quickly multiplied. I was silently begging him to believe me and leave. This was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life. I had to close my eyes to keep my composure.
“Who? Tell. Me.” I didn’t answer him. There wasn’t an answer to give. He stood there for a second, just staring down at me. “I can’t believe you’re f**king doing this to me, Alex,” he said running his hands over his face before turning around, opening the door and slamming it so hard that one of Jade’s pin boards fell from the wall.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, before I started weeping uncontrollably again.
“What the HELL was THAT?” Jade asked. Her voice was controlled, but laced with anger. I knew she would be angry. I deserved whatever she had to say. I was ashamed of what I’d become. “What the hell was that?”
“I can’t do it anymore. I can’t be with Dane and be what my parents want me to be. They are two different worlds that don’t go together; I realized that this weekend. This hurts so freaking bad, but I don’t see any other way. I love him, but he deserves better,” I replied as tears rolled down my cheeks. It was hard to get the words to pass through my throat. I could barely breath through the pain and tears. I closed my eyes and all I could see was his face before he slammed my door.
I don’t know if the look in her eyes was pity or confusion or maybe a mixture of both. She sat down on the end of my bed and examined my face for several seconds before talking. “Why did you tell him there’s someone else? You and I both know that there is no one else and you just threw the gasoline on the fire with that one.”
“I know. I knew if I said yes, he would get angry and leave. I couldn’t just sit here and see him hurting because of me. I made my decision and I have to live with it, but it’s going to be hard to do that if he doesn’t let it go.” More tears rolled down my face. I wondered if Dane was crying right now. What have I done to him? What did I do to us? I was no better than my parents.
“Oh, honey, when are you going to start listening to your heart and quit letting your parents run the course of your life? You know they aren’t happy, right?”
“What are you talking about?” I asked, wiping my eyes with my sleeves.
“Just listen for a second. Your parents are miserable. They may have the material things in life, and have everyone convinced that their life together is perfect, but is that truly what you want for yourself? If you can honestly tell me that is what you want, you aren’t the Alex I know. The Alex I know wants to be in love.” Jade was the second person today to look at me with anger in her eyes. Jade was rubbing salt into the wound, but I deserved it.
“Of course I don’t want a relationship like my parents. I need them to accept me. I don’t know why, but it’s important to me.” I sat there chipping the pink polish that remained from my sister’s wedding off my nails. I couldn’t tell Jade about their ultimatums. She was my best friend and I knew if I told her the real reason I was doing this, she would jump in her car and head straight to Greenwich. If she did that, they would most certainly ruin Dane’s life. He didn’t deserve that.
“Dammit, Alex, you don’t even want to be a doctor! Have you ever heard of student loans? College isn’t just for rich kids you know!” Oh, I knew that. I looked it up online one day, but she didn’t mention how much I would be disappointing my parents by not becoming a doctor, by staying with Dane and becoming an artist. I didn’t need the being-an-artist-is-not-a-real-job talk again.
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Just leave it alone. I barely got any sleep last night and I have a test tomorrow. Please!” I rolled onto my side, shutting her out completely.
“Fine, but we’re not done with this conversation. I can’t believe you did that to Dane. Seriously, Alex.” And she was gone, off my bed and into the bathroom. I let the tears fall again. I replayed the last few months in my mind, trying to figure out where it all went wrong. I made a choice one-day to give Dane a chance and it changed my life. I now knew what it was like to be in love. I didn’t regret it; I could never regret the best months of my life. I only regretted today and everything that had happened that landed me in my bed alone with my tear soaked pillow. This day had been the most draining of all my years and I just wanted it to be over with.
Chapter Twenty-Two
I stayed in bed all day Monday and Tuesday, only getting up to use the bathroom and to grab a drink of water. No part of me wanted to shower, eat, or have any type of human interaction. I even emailed my professor and made up an excuse with hopes of rescheduling my test. I didn’t care if he accepted it or not. I could care less about class; I couldn’t concentrate so there was no point in going. My phone beeped a couple of times with texts and I had three missed calls, but none were from Dane. I didn’t expect him to call after what I had done to him. I just missed him; missed the sound of his voice, the feel of his lips, his hands and his eyes. As long as I lived, I would miss everything about him.
I cried a little less each day, but there was a growing hole where my heart once was. I guess it was hard to cry when your heart was evaporating in your chest. I had lost so much in the last few days and my life was forever changed. I was back to being the old Alexandra, but with less hope and half the heart.
I called my parents on Tuesday night. I needed them to know I made my choice before they had a chance to hurt Dane and cause more issues for him. My mom answered right away, just like clockwork. “Good evening, Riley residence.”
“It’s me,” I replied. My voice was little more than a whisper as the pain of what I’d done yesterday lay fresh on my mind. I didn’t want to have anything to do with them, but my hands were tied.