Ryan joined me on the edge of my bed, rubbing his hands together, which I knew was a telltale sign he was nervous. “What’s going on between you and that guy from the club? I saw his hands on you, Alex. I’m not a jealous person, but I don’t like to see another guy touching you like that.” I shook my head in an attempt to reassure him that there was no one else. I hated that he thought there was, but maybe it was a sign of what we’d become.
“I don’t even know his name.” I started to pick the nail polish off of my fingernails. I couldn’t will myself to look into his eyes. I’d known Ryan long enough to know what his eyes looked like when he was sad.
“What? You let some guy, whose name you don’t even know, touch you like that? God, Alex, I was right there,” he said, raising his voice slightly as he raked his hand through his hair. This was going to be so much harder than I had even imagined.
“I thought it was you. I was dancing with Jade and felt hands on me and thought it was you,” I replied, not even trying to mask the frustration in my voice. I briefly looked up at him before returning to my nails.
“I guess I’m just upset that I have to say goodbye to you tomorrow. The last few months have been harder than I thought they would be,” he said as I turned back toward him. He ran his fingers along the line of my jaw, adding to the weight of my already heavy heart. “I miss you,” he whispered. I could see the ache in his eyes as he looked into mine. I hated that I had to do this. Every single part of me hurt because I was getting ready to let go of one of my best friends.
I was a people pleaser by nature. I did everything I could to not hurt others, even if the result of that was hurting myself. It was time to talk to him, no matter how much it was going to hurt both of us. This was me taking control of a little bit of my life.
My lip quivered as I tried to gain enough composure to speak. “I think we should take a break. We’re thousands of miles apart and never get to see each other. I need to concentrate on school and you should be doing the same.” I wasn’t sure if I saw sadness or contemplation in his eyes, but I decided to grab his hand with mine to comfort him. He didn’t pull away, but he didn’t do anything to tighten our grip either.
He sat quietly, looking across the room. “I don’t think we need a break. God, Alex, where is this coming from?” he whispered. I knew this wouldn’t be easy.
“Are you happy?” I asked.
“What?” His eyes jumped up to meet mine.
“Are you happy?”
“Why would you even ask that?” he asked, raising his voice slightly. His eyes were searching my face like it would give him all the answers.
“Ryan, don’t you think we both deserve the full college experience without worrying what the other is doing? I’m not saying I don’t like you or that I want to be with someone else, but this long distance thing just isn’t working for me right now and it doesn’t seem to be working for you either.”
He sighed. “It is harder than I thought it would be, but I don’t want to lose you forever and it feels like I am.” His admission tore at my heartstrings, but I knew deep down inside that I was not the one for him; he could find someone better. We were meant to be friends and anything more was forced.
“I would say everything will be fine again this summer, but after that we have another eight months apart. I can’t promise you anything.” This was not my heart speaking, but my head. I couldn’t deal with all the potential pain right now. Not to mention that once my mother found out that I dumped Ryan Hill, I would never hear the end of it. It would be much easier to tell her I needed a break than it would be to tell her we were done. The truth could be addressed later. Maybe he would find someone who would fill the void I never really could; I wanted him to be happy.
His eyes pleaded with me. “Please, don’t do this. We can make this work. I’ll come visit more often and-”
I cut him off as tears started to roll down my face. “I’m sorry. I just can’t do this right now. Please understand.”
I watched as his face twisted in pain, causing my tears to fall even faster. I was not enjoying any part of this. “Do you want me to leave?” he asked, staring down at his hands. My heart dropped at the thought of him wandering the city, looking for an open hotel room. Or even worse, spending it in the airport.
“Of course not. You can stay here tonight. I’ll just put my sleeping bag on the floor and you can have my bed.”
His head snapped up to look at me. “I’m not sleeping on your bed while you sleep on the floor.”
“Yes, you are.” I threw my sleeping bag on the floor and grabbed a pillow. “I’m going to go get ready for bed.” I glanced at him and my chest squeezed when I noticed the sadness in his eyes. I felt guilty for not mirroring that same level of sadness in my own. I cared for him. Scratch that. I loved him, but it wasn’t the type of love that made butterflies appear in my stomach or made my heart beat faster when I saw or thought of him. I felt kind of stupid saying that since it had never happened with any of my relationships, but it had to exist somewhere.
The day would probably come where I would have to accept what was expected of me and marry an Ivy League educated man who my parents approved of. Would I find one that makes my heart flutter? Most of me thought it would never happen; I had only seen those types of relationships on TV or read about them in books. I learned a long time ago that most of my family and friends had plastic hearts. Plastic hearts are made so they cannot be broken. Cracked maybe, but never broken. They made decisions based on outward appearances and ignored all emotion. That was applied to all aspects of life, even relationships.
When I returned to my room, Ryan laid on my bed with his back to me. I couldn’t tell if he was sleeping or not and I didn’t move to find out. Tomorrow was going to be awkward and the sooner I got to sleep, the sooner I could face it.
But there was no such thing as peaceful sleep when you’d just broken someone’s heart.
Chapter Two
The next morning was as awkward as I imagined it would be. In all honesty, I was sure he wanted to leave just as much as I wanted him to. I didn’t want to lose him forever, but I recognized the need for space and time. We both needed time to digest what had happened last night so we could decide what we wanted the future to look like.
I heard him walking across the floor and quickly rubbed my eyes as I watched him grab his bag and head toward the door. My heart dropped. “Are you leaving?” I asked, lifting my head off the pillow.
“No, I was just going to go shower quick. I’ll be back in a few minutes.” He didn’t look at me as he walked out of the room, slamming the door behind him.
Today was going to be difficult, but once it was over I would feel like I could breathe again. It was hard to make this decision, but there was so much peace in doing it. I would drop him off at the airport and get everything ready for class tomorrow. Hopefully Jade would be home soon so we could watch some sappy romantic movie on Lifetime and share some chocolate chip cookies from the bakery down the street. I needed some girl time, something to make me forget the pain I saw in Ryan’s eyes last night. Jade may be the oil to my water, but I really missed her while I was home for winter break. I realized how much oxygen she breathed into me when everyone else seemed to suck it out.
The door opened, taking me away from my thoughts. Ryan met my eyes just for a second before he walked over and sat on the end of my bed. He rested his chin on his chest and kept his gaze locked on the floor.
“I’m going to go jump in the shower. When I’m done, do you want to go grab some coffee? I mean, I know we have to leave soon for the airport, but I thought you might like something to eat before you leave,” I said, trying to break the silence.
He sat with his elbows on his knees, never looking in my direction. “Actually, I think I’m just going to call a cab and grab something at the airport,” he mumbled. My chest tightened as I listened to the sadness that tinged his voice. It was hard to break anyone’s heart, but when that person was Ryan it was magnified times ten. I wished there was a way to do this without hurting him.
“Ryan, please don’t leave like this. I can drive you to the airport.” I wanted to do the right thing. I knew he wasn’t going to leave happy, but I didn’t want him to be upset either.
“No, Alex, I think it’s better if I just go. Let’s not drag this out longer than we have to,” he said, his voice strained. He was looking at me again and the awkwardness hung in the room like a thick storm cloud.
“If that’s what you want. I just don’t feel right making you grab a cab when I can take you,” I whispered.
“It really isn’t a big deal. I think it’s better if I just go,” he said, sounding frustrated. Maybe it was best if I let him have this victory.
“Alright. I’ll call you a cab.” I got up from my bed to grab my cell phone.
He continued to look at the floor. “Thanks.”
“I don’t want things to be awkward between us. I feel really bad about this, but I think we both know it’s for the better.” I felt like I was trying to convince myself just as much as I was trying to comfort him.
He stood up to retrieve his bags and walked towards the door, stopping when his hand reached the knob. “I just need some time. Give me some time.” As soon as the door closed, I settled into my bed and breathed in the smell of Ryan before I let myself fall apart. Ryan and I had attended our first day of school together; we learned to swim and ride our bikes together. He was my friend before I even knew what a friend was and I never imagined I would have to let that go. I hoped that time would heal us and our friendship would be restored. Eventually I settled into a deep sleep as exhaustion took over my body, leaving the sorrow I felt behind.
The door slammed and startled me awake. Jade. That girl couldn’t do anything without making noise and drawing attention to herself. Her eyes danced around the room before they finally stopped on me. “I thought you had to take Ryan to the airport. Where is he?” she asked. Even in the morning, after she completed her walk of shame, she looked good. Her long dark hair was pulled into a knot at the top of her head and her large green eyes didn’t have a touch of mascara smeared around them. She was absolutely gorgeous and knew how to use it to her advantage.