Perfectly Imperfect

“No, I’m coming over. She needs to hear it from you, but I also need to explain to her why I allowed this to happen. You aren’t the only one at fault for it.”

“Yeah.” I laugh bitterly. “And neither are you.”

When I hang up, I don’t feel any lighter knowing that I can freely break my word to Mia and tell Willow what I had been holding back. If anything, I feel even more trepidation because I know if we can’t figure out what to do about the media, the baby will be the least of my worries when it comes to repairing things with Willow.

WALKING AWAY FROM KANE WHEN he was obviously hurting was almost impossible. I know that the old Willow would have just rolled over and let his excuses and secrets stay his own, but not now. I know without a doubt, just because of the fact I was able to walk away from him, that I’m no longer allowing my fears to rule me. I deserve more, from him and for me.

The part I’m struggling with, the one slowly chipping away at my resolve to stay strong, is the very real fear that when I left, it might be forever. I don’t doubt that he will find me, try and bring me back, but right now, I have no idea how I would be able to move forward with him when doing so is going to put me in a position that I’m terrified to be in.

I wrap my arms around myself, turn from the window I had been blindly looking out of, and move to the bed. I’ve spent the last hour or so locked away with my thoughts. Kole had kept silent during our drive, but he let me know in no uncertain terms that he would not allow me to go to a hotel. He’s given me my space since arriving at his house, but I’m not sure how long that will last. Kole, like his brother, has too great of a protective instinct.

I knew Kane had been keeping something from me. Heck, he admitted it. But I let it go because I understood he planned to tell me and I assumed that he would once we arrived. I might not understand why he couldn’t have just called Mia and taken care of this before we came, but I figured it had a lot to do with him worrying that I wouldn’t be able to handle their secret.

That I would run.

And I basically proved him right.

No. You can’t think like that, Willow. You left because you had to. You left because he wouldn’t tell you even when faced with losing you. You left because you’re stronger.

But am I?

Did leaving mean that I was strong or does that make me weak because I didn’t want to face what was being thrown right in front of me. Or an even better question, if I’m able to forgive Kane and move forward, will I be strong enough to deal with what I can only guess will get worse before it gets better when it comes to the public perception of me—us—everything.

I knew that when our relationship was officially thrust into the spotlight, there would be many eyes on me. The fear of what they would think, the things they would say, and worst of all—the scorn that would come just by being with him … it had been at the forefront of my mind daily.

But I believed that together we would be able to get through it. I had no illusions that it wouldn’t be without struggles, but I still believed. But I’m not just facing public scorn for being with Kane, taking him off the market, and what many will feel is with someone not worthy of him. Now, I fear it will all be so much worse because I haven’t just stolen Kane’s heart—according to his brother, I also stole him from Mia and their child.

God, just the thought of Mia and her baby—Kane’s baby—makes my stomach churn.

Was Kyle right? Kane didn’t deny it, but his actions went a long way in confirming. Can I stay with him knowing that just months ago, he was with Mia? Sure, maybe he was telling the truth when he told me that they didn’t have a relationship, but what if they did at one point?

I had thought, until today, the hardest part of overcoming my old self would have been eradicating the ghosts that had haunted me. Pushing past the fear that ruled me. Letting go of the pain I had felt over losing my mom, accepting that what ‘family’ I had left would never be a true family, forgiving the ones that had played the part in dragging me to rock bottom, and most importantly, learning to love every part of me. That last one being the hardest, but with Kane’s help, not only did I see myself in a new light, but also the constant anxiety I had been carrying around worrying about the judgment of others had disappeared completely.

But now I know that the hardest part of overcoming is going to be in believing in the strength I had just found. Now, forced to test the boundaries of that strength and faith in myself, I’m afraid I’m not going to win this time.

Because, like it or not, the key to unhooking the final chains that held me captive for so long is right in front of my face. I felt that key turn when I was able to leave Kane, recognizing that I deserved better than secrets.

“No time like the present, Willow,” I mumble to myself and grab my phone. I feel those imaginary chains dig in and tighten around my chest, the fear getting thicker as I type Kane’s name into my search browser.

When the screen fills with links, my stomach pitches and almost shoots out my mouth.

“Oh, God.”

Kane leaves Mia alone, pregnant, and scared.

What’s next for Mia and Kane?

Mia in danger of losing Kane’s child.

Who is this mystery woman?

Mystery woman revealed!

The first few headlines don’t cause me nearly as much anxiety as the last. I can confidently move past those because I know there is no way that they will hold anything other than speculation meant to sell papers. Kane wouldn’t have kept the paternity of Mia’s baby a secret from me and just verified them to the media. There’s no way. It gives me a little peace that regardless of what those say, it’s all just lies until I hear it from him.

I feel a little lighter with that realization, but just looking at that last link—the least damning of all of them—makes me feel seconds away from a panic attack.

I’ve been afraid of this. What the public thinks about me. And whether I’m strong enough to handle it.

Because I know that regardless of how big Kane’s secret is and what it means for our relationship, if I’m not able to hack it emotionally when everyone is judging me freely—then there is no point in even continuing.

If I can’t be strong enough to handle their words, then I might as well be the Willow who Kane met two months ago. I have to prove to myself that it isn’t him I’m hiding behind to avoid being strong for myself. In a way, I should be thanking Kyle for slapping me in the face with the truth. It’s forced me to realize I have to be strong alone, with no one holding me up.