Perfectly Imperfect

Hovering my thumb over the link to the widely popular tabloid blog, I hold my breath as the page loads.

The world was abuzz today when news hit that confirmed bachelor, Kane Masters, 35, was officially off the market. Of course, no one had been able to confirm that rumor until today. It was to everyone’s shock that the award-winning actor is stepping out with someone other than his on-again, off-again love, Mia Post, 34.

Masters has recently been dodging the rumors that he and Post are about to be parents. Neither one of their reps would offer comments on the matter, but the pictures of them both seen leaving the woman’s clinic to the stars, and the fact that Mia herself is very pregnant, I would imagine that official word wouldn’t be far away for the pair.

Good God, the picture that follows shows Mia during a recent talk show appearance. She looked stunning, but it wasn’t her flawlessness that held my attention; it was the very round, pregnant belly that even the baggy dress couldn’t hide. The date under the picture puts it as just two weeks prior.

She looks to be five or six months pregnant, and if that’s the case, then Kane wouldn’t have been lying if he told me that they weren’t together when we met, but that doesn’t mean that they weren’t together months before Kane and I met.

I sigh and continue the article. My anxiety is through the roof, and instead of holding my breath, it comes out in a whoosh when I read the next part.

However, all of those rumors seemed to vanish in one second when a source close to the Masters camp came forward and confirmed that he is most definitely in a relationship, just not with Mia Post.

Masters has been on location in Georgia for his film, Impenetrable. This will be his first time in the director’s seat and already there has been rumors that the film, due out this coming summer, will be the frontrunner for many Oscar noms. It’s said that during his time down South, he met and began a relationship with Willow Tate, 29, of New York City.

It’s unclear what this means for Mia and her baby, but the insider close to the couple said that Masters and Tate couldn’t keep their hands off each other during their recent trip to visit her stepfather, owner of the Logan Agency, one of the top modeling agencies in New York. The couple was pictured leaving New York from a private airstrip close to the city, headed to California to finish filming.

Chills hit me when I realize that this insider had to have been Dominic or Ivy. To link me with them and use me as a tool for publicity when they had never had use for me before. They turned a spotlight on Logan at the same time trying to hurt me by going to the media about my relationship with Kane. I handed them the ammunition from which they so clearly used for personal gain.

I should have seen that coming. Knowing they wouldn’t just let me have the last word and that they wanted to strike back where it would hurt—by throwing me to the wolves and sharks that would do their dirty work for them.

I let the hand holding my phone fall on my lap and let the fact sink in that the family who has never wanted me used me in order to put their name out there. Kane had told me that Dominic would most likely lose Logan soon. I knew for myself that he had been struggling. The competitive market is too great for him to control, and his own riches starting to dwindle to nothing.

Picking up the phone, I reread the last section and smile when I realize they gravely miscalculated. I know they’re trying to hurt me, but because the article doesn’t even mention them past just a fleeting comment, I know their use was over. They were only named to give a little credibility to the source, but if they had planned better, they could have used me to breathe some life back into their dying sails.

It shouldn’t feel as good as it does to know that they will fail in their aim to hurt me. And honestly, now that I’m faced with the reality they tried, I don’t care.

I really don’t care because I meant it when I said that by telling them I forgave them, I would be able to move on and they couldn’t touch me anymore. I feel lighter as I continue to read.

They continue to speculate on the seriousness of Kane’s ‘new relationship,’ but it’s obvious they don’t know much because, besides the grainy pictures of us, there are no real facts.

I return to my search page and thumb through a few more articles. None of the other links giving any more information than the fact Kane has another woman in his life who isn’t Mia Post.

And then I find the fan-driven page full of comments about Kane’s new woman. Not all of them negative, but a great number comparing me to Mia. I skim through the comments and feel sick at the number of them that voice the same fears I had at the beginning of our relationship.

That I’m not worthy of him.

That he can do better.

And more comments than I can count comparing me, my body, and my looks to Mia.

Surprisingly, when I finish, there is no residual pain from seeing them rip into me. The fear that I wouldn’t be strong enough to handle what the public had to say about me, the judgment that I had forever tried to avoid from others, means nothing. For once, I don’t care what others think about me because if I’ve learned anything in the last two months, it’s that the only opinion that matters is my own.

Those chains that had been keeping me from finally letting go of my past and growing into someone stronger snap the instant my phone is lowered to the bed. I know now that no matter what happens next, I’m strong enough to handle it. I might be scarred, and I might come away with burns that will never heal, but if I walk away without fighting for Kane and our love, then I might not ever be able to move on with my life.

I became the change that I had wanted for myself. Two months, four years, a decade ago—I never would have believed this was possible. I would have ran and hidden behind my fears. And even though I long for Kane and the added strength his love gives me, I deserve so much more than what I had been prepared to live with.

I deserve all of him just as I’ve given him all of me.

I lie down, pulling the covers tight against me as a few tears fall from my eyes. Even with the knowledge I’m no longer weak and afraid, I’m still so full of fear that I will lose Kane in the end. Part of me wants to run back to him and tell him that it doesn’t matter, I don’t need the truth as long as I have him, but I know now that I would never be able to live with myself if I didn’t prove to myself that I know I deserve more.

He might not have been completely honest with me because of a promise that he had made to Mia, but if he didn’t tell me because of the child, I’m not sure what that means for us. How can I compete with that? How can I expect him to choose me when this child would need its father?