“No, this time it wasn’t my fault. They claim my birth certificate is a fake. Can you believe that? As if,” I complain with a roll of my eyes. “I got hired at Seduction and Snacks. I start tomorrow and need to take a non-fake copy in.”
My mom and dad look at each other nervously, sharing some silent communication shit before my dad hefts himself out of the sink.
“I think it’s time, Donna,” my dad tells her, grabbing a towel from the counter and wiping the shaving cream off of his legs.
“You’re right. It’s time for me to make dinner. Who wants meatloaf?” she asks with fake enthusiasm.
My dad grabs her arm before she can make it to the fridge, turning her to face him. I watch in confusion as he whispers a few words to her before they both turn to face me.
“Tyler, I think you should sit down,” my dad begins.
“Dude, this isn’t the end of the world,” Gavin tells me as I continue splashing cold water on my face in his bathroom.
I showed up at his and Charlotte’s apartment twenty minutes ago and have been in the bathroom the entire time trying to calm the f**k down.
“Not the end of the world? NOT THE END OF THE WORLD? I don’t know who I am! I don’t know where I came from. I’VE LOST MY IDENTITY!” I scream, shutting off the water and reaching blindly for a towel.
My hand brushes up against one and I quickly bring it to my face, wiping off the water that drips down my lips and chin.
“Oh shit, I wouldn’t use that towel if I were you,” Gavin mumbles.
I ignore him, scrubbing every inch of my face, hoping that maybe I can rub away the memory of the words my mother spoke to me.
“Tyler, your father isn’t really your father. I, um… I don’t actually know who your real dad is,” my mom admitted. “I really wanted a baby and I wasn’t seeing anyone at the time, so I went to a sperm bank. Also, when I say I wasn’t seeing anyone, I mean I wasn’t serious with anyone. I was still having lots of sex.”
“Son, what your mother is trying to say is that she was sexually adventurous in her twenties,” my dad added with a smile.
“If we’re going to be honest with him, we might as well do it right,” my mom cut in. “Tyler, I was a slut. Like, a really big one. I was young, though, and that’s what you’re supposed to do – sow your wild oats. I also went through a short lesbian phase, but that’s beside the point.”
I sank down into one of the chairs at the kitchen tabled and stared at them. “How in the hell did this happen?”
“Well, I picked out the sperm I wanted and then the doctor had me get on the table with my feet in the stirrups. Then he took a thing that looked like a turkey baster and shoved it up my-”
“NO! JESUS CHRIST, NO! Not that part! How the hell don’t you know who my father is if you used a sperm bank? Don’t they keep a record of that shit?” I asked in confusion.
“Well, normally that would be helpful, but I also had a foursome that same week. I’m pretty sure one of them was a woman I met in the food court of the mall, but the other two guys – no clue. I always made my partners bag it up, but something must have leaked because I found a little jizz in my-”
“MOM!” I screamed at her, shaking my head in disgust.
“Sorry, sweetie. Since sperm can live in a woman’s vagina for up to five days, I can’t be certain if it was donor sperm or…” my mom trailed off before glancing over at my dad with love in her eyes.
“Anyway, I met your father when you were a couple of months old and he adopted you. Sort of. We actually never filed the paperwork, but we made a very convincing copy of a birth certificate for you in Photoshop.”
My dad walks over to me and pats me on the back. “I think the best thing for us to do right now would be to sit down and talk about what we’re feeling. I’ll start. I’m feeling relieved that this is all finally out in the open.”
“I’m feeling like I want to puke all over this f**king floor!” I shouted.
My mom walked over to me and put her arm around my shoulder. “That’s it. Let it all out, sweetie.”
“Seriously dude, give me that thing,” Gavin says, interrupting my thoughts.
I pull the towel away and glare at his reflection in the mirror. He’s standing behind me with a look of disgust on his face and his hand out.
“What the f**k is wrong with you? I just found out that my mom was a slut and has no idea who my dad is and all you’re worried about is your precious towel?” I ramble, my voice getting that hysterical squeak to it. “What’s wrong? Is this one of Charlotte’s ‘good’ towels, reserved for guests or some shit? Fuck, are you pu**y whipped.”
Gavin shakes his head at me and tries reaching over my shoulder to take the towel. I snatch it away and turn to face him.
“What is your f**king deal? It’s a Goddamn towel!” I yell.
“Yeah, it’s a jizz towel, dude.”
I look at him in confusion, glancing down at the towel and back up at him when what he said finally sinks in. He’s biting his lip and I can’t tell if he’s trying not to laugh or if he’s trying to think of a way to run out of here as fast as he can.
“Hey, what are you guys doing in the bathroom?” Charlotte asks, suddenly appearing in the doorway. “Oh, my God! Did you just use that towel, Tyler?”
I quickly throw the towel away from me like it’s on fire and it lands in the toilet.