Your distressed DAUGHTER.
LETTER XXVI
MY DEAR FATHER AND MOTHER,
I did not rise till ten o'clock, and I had all the concerns and wishes
of the family, and multitudes of inquiries about me. My wicked master
went out early to hunt; but left word he would be in to breakfast. And
so he was. He came up to our chamber about eleven, and had nothing to do to be
sorry; for he was our master, and so put on sharp anger at first. I had great emotions at his entering the room, and threw my apron over
my head, and fell a crying, as if my heart would break. Mrs. Jervis, said he, since I know you, and you me so well, I don't know
how we shall live together for the future. Sir, said she, I will take
the liberty to say, what I think is best for both. I have so much
grief, that you should attempt to do any injury to this poor girl, and
especially in my chamber, that I should think myself accessary to the
mischief, if I was not to take notice of it. Though my ruin, therefore,
may depend upon it, I desire not to stay; but pray let poor Pamela and
me go together. With all my heart, said he; and the sooner the better.
She fell a crying. I find, says he, this girl has made a party of the
whole house in her favour against me. Her innocence deserves it of us
all, said she very kindly: and I never could have thought that the son
of my dear good lady departed, could have so forfeited his honour, as to
endeavour to destroy a virtue he ought to protect. No more of this,
Mrs. Jervis! said he; I will not hear it. As for Pamela, she has a lucky
knack of falling into fits, when she pleases. But the cursed yellings
of you both made me not myself. I intended no harm to her, as I told you
both, if you'd have left your squallings: And I did no harm neither, but
to myself; for I raised a hornet's nest about my ears, that, as far as I
know, may have stung to death my reputation. Sir, said Mrs. Jervis, then
I beg Mr. Longman may take my accounts, and I will go away as soon as
I can. As for Pamela, she is at her liberty, I hope, to go away next
Thursday, as she intends? I sat still; for I could not speak nor look up, and his presence
discomposed me extremely; but I was sorry to hear myself the unhappy
occasion of Mrs. Jervis's losing her place, and hope that may be still
made up. Well, said he, let Mr. Longman make up your accounts, as soon as you
will; and Mrs. Jewkes (who is his housekeeper in Lincolnshire) shall
come hither in your place, and won't be less obliging, I dare say, than
you have been. Said she, I have never disobliged you till now; and let
me tell you, sir, if you knew what belonged to your own reputation or
honour--No more, no more, said he, of these antiquated topics. I have
been no bad friend to you; and I shall always esteem you, though you
have not been so faithful to my secrets as I could have wished, and have
laid me open to this girl, which has made her more afraid of me than she
had occasion. Well, sir, said she, after what passed yesterday, and last
night, I think I went rather too far in favour of your injunctions
than otherwise; and I should have deserved every body's censure, as the
basest of creatures, had I been capable of contributing to your lawless
attempts. Still, Mrs. Jervis, still reflecting upon me, and all for
imaginary faults! for what harm have I done the girl?--I won't bear it,
I'll assure you. But yet, in respect to my mother, I am willing to part
friendly with you though you ought both of you to reflect on the freedom
of your conversation, in relation to me; which I should have resented
more than I do, but that I am conscious I had no business to demean
myself so as to be in your closet, where I might have expected to hear a
multitude of impertinence between you. Well, sir, said she, you have no objection, I hope, to Pamela's going
away on Thursday next? You are mighty solicitous, said he, about Pamela:
But no, not I; let her go as soon as she will: She is a naughty girl,
and has brought all this upon herself; and upon me more trouble than she
can have had from me: But I have overcome it all, and will never concern
myself about her. I have a proposal made me, added he, since I have been out this morning,
that I shall go near to embrace; and so wish only, that a discreet use
may be made of what is past; and there's an end of every thing with me,
as to Pamela, I'll assure you. I clasped my hands together through my
apron, overjoyed at this, though I was soon to go away: For, naughty as
he has been to me, I wish his prosperity with all my heart, for my good
old lady's sake. Well, Pamela, said he, you need not now be afraid to
speak to me; tell me what you lifted up your hands at? I said not a
word. Says he, If you like what I have said, give me your hand upon it.
I held my hand up through my apron; for I could not speak to him; and he
took hold of it, and pressed it, though less hard than he did my arm the
day before. What does the little fool cover her face for? said he: Pull
your apron away; and let me see how you look, after your freedom of
speech of me last night. No wonder you are ashamed to see me. You know
you were very free with my character. I could not stand this barbarous insult, as I took it to be, considering
his behaviour to me; and I then spoke and said, O the difference between
the minds of thy creatures, good God! How shall some be cast down in
their innocence, while others can triumph in their guilt! And so saying, I went up stairs to my chamber, and wrote all this; for
though he vexed me at his taunting, yet I was pleased to hear he was
likely to be married, and that his wicked intentions were so happily
overcome as to me; and this made me a little easier. And I hope I have
passed the worst; or else it is very hard. And yet I shan't think
myself at ease quite, till I am with you: For, methinks, after all,
his repentance and amendment are mighty suddenly resolved upon. But the
divine grace is not confined to space; and remorse may, and I hope has,
smitten him to the heart at once, for his injuries to poor me! Yet I
won't be too secure neither. Having opportunity, I send now what I know will grieve you to the heart.
But I hope I shall bring my next scribble myself; and so conclude,
though half broken-hearted, Your ever dutiful DAUGHTER.