But yet my mind was pained at times, and has been to this hour.--God
grant that I may never see the dreadful moment, that shall shut up the
precious life of this excellent, generous benefactor of mine! And--but I
cannot bear to suppose--I cannot say more on such a deep subject.
Oh! what a poor thing is human life in its best enjoyments! subjected to
imaginary evils, when it has no real ones to disturb it; and that can
be made as effectually unhappy by its apprehensions of remote
contingencies, as if it was struggling with the pangs of a present
distress! This, duly reflected upon, methinks, should convince every
one, that this world is not a place for the immortal mind to be confined
to; and that there must be an hereafter, where the whole soul shall be
satisfied. But I shall get out of my depth; my shallow mind cannot comprehend,
as it ought, these weighty subjects: Let me only therefore pray, that,
after having made a grateful use of God's mercies here, I may, with my
dear benefactor, rejoice in that happy state, where is no mixture,
no unsatisfiedness; and where all is joy, and peace, and love, for
evermore! I said, when we sat at supper, The charming taste you gave me, sir, of
your poetical fancy, makes me sure you have more favours of this kind
to delight me with, if you please; and may I beg to be indulged on this
agreeable head? Hitherto, said he, my life has been too much a life of
gayety and action, to be busied so innocently. Some little essays I have
now and then attempted; but very few have I completed. Indeed I had not
patience nor attention enough to hold me long to any one thing. Now and
then, perhaps, I may occasionally shew you what I have essayed. But I
never could please myself in this way.
Friday. We were yesterday favoured with the company of almost all the
neighbouring gentlemen and their ladies, who, by appointment with
one another, met to congratulate our happiness. Nothing could be more
obliging, more free and affectionate, than the ladies; nothing more
polite than the gentlemen. All was performed (for they came to supper)
with decency and order, and much to every one's satisfaction; which
was principally owing to good Mrs. Jervis's care and skill; who is an
excellent manager.
For my part, I was dressed out only to be admired, as it seems: and
truly, if I had not known, that I did not make myself, as you, my dear
father, once hinted to me, and if I had had the vanity to think as well
of myself, as the good company was pleased to do, I might possibly have
been proud. But I know, as my Lady Davers said, though in anger, yet in
truth, that I am but a poor bit of painted dirt. All that I value myself
upon, is, that God has raised me to a condition to be useful, in my
generation, to better persons than myself. This is my pride: And I hope
this will be all my pride. For what was I of myself!--All the good I can
do, is but a poor third-hand good; for my dearest master himself is but
the second-hand. God, the all-gracious, the all-good, the all-bountiful,
the all-mighty, the all-merciful God, is the first: To him, therefore,
be all the glory! As I expect the happiness, the unspeakable happiness, my ever-dear and
ever-honoured father and mother, of enjoying you both here, under this
roof, so soon, (and pray let it be as soon as you can,) I will not enter
into the particulars of the last agreeable evening: For I shall have a
thousand things, as well as that, to talk to you upon. I fear you will
be tired with my prattle when I see you!