And despite the way he fucked up, I miss the way that he understands me.
But at the same time I want to push him away. To scream and yell and demand that he tell me how he could have done this. How he could have taken everything good between us and turned it so horribly, terribly around.
How he could have screwed me over like he did.
Him. The man who knows me so well. Or, at least, who I thought knew me so well.
“Did you come to the party as you?”
I look up to see Nikki smiling at me, looking fabulous in a Native American princess outfit. We’re in the kitchen of Jamie’s condo. I’d come here to hide from the crowd that fills this small apartment and has overflowed to the pool area downstairs.
“What?” I say stupidly.
“Your costume. Or lack thereof.”
“Oh. No, I’m an alien.” I grin, then indicate my pink T-shirt and pleated white skirt. “I’m from a planet far, far away and I’m blending in seamlessly with the local population.” After I abandoned the biker idea, I didn’t have the heart to wear anything else. So I just wore my regular clothes. So far, everyone who asks likes my answer.
Nikki doesn’t look fooled, though. “I saw Cass. I’m sorry.”
“What did she tell you?”
“Nasty fight. Possible pending reconciliation, but the jury is still out.”
I grimace. “Yeah, that’s pretty much the sum of it.”
“It’s nice you came. Jamie would have understood if you skipped out.”
I lift a shoulder. “I didn’t want to blow her off. But I am feeling a little … I don’t know … unfestive.”
“Like I said, I think you have license to leave. But if you just need time to get a grip, you can use my old bedroom.” She points to the two steps that lead up to the condo’s two bedrooms. “Jamie uses it as an office now. So there’s a couch. I’m pretty sure it’s unlocked, but if you want I’ll ask and grab you the key.”
I shake my head. “Thanks, but I’ll be fine.”
“Men fuck up, you know. Except for Damien,” she adds with a completely straight face. “He’s perfectly perfect.”
She manages to hold it together for a minute, and then we both laugh.
“You’re telling me I should forgive him?”
She lifts a shoulder. “I don’t know what he did, so I can’t really say. But I do know how the two of you are together, and I hate to see you both hurting. That’s all.”
Behind us, Cass and Siobhan and Jamie step into the kitchen. It’s galley style, and with the five of us, it’s a little crowded.
“Are we gossiping?” Jamie asks.
“Always,” Nikki says.
“Cool,” Jamie says. “What about?”
“Boyfriend drama,” Cass says. “See, this is why I’m a lesbian.”
“I thought you were a lesbian because I’m so good in bed,” Siobhan snaps back, making us all laugh.
“This is the Jackson thing, right?” Jamie asks. She points at me before I can answer. “See, your problem is that you guys have been in bliss. So it’s confusing.”
“Um, what is?” She’s right. I’m very confused.
“Fighting. You have a fight and you think it’s the end of the world.”
“It wasn’t exactly a fight,” I say. “He did something—”
“Boneheaded,” Cass says.
“And that’s breaking news?” Jamie asks. “He’s a guy, right? He’s got a dick and all the parts?”
“Last I checked,” I say wryly.
“And this is your first big fight?”
I think about that. And realize that it is. We’ve butted heads about secrets before—Damien, Ronnie—but this is different. This isn’t a secret, this is a fuckup. And I don’t do well with fuckups.
“Yeah,” I admit. “I guess it is.” I frown, thinking about what they’ve said. About being used to bliss and not knowing how to handle a fuckup.
And the truth is, as mad as Jackson made me, at the end of the day, I have two choices. I can walk away. Or we can move forward.
I ended it once before, and it just about killed me. I can’t do that again. Not if I can put this relationship back together.
At the very least, I have to try.
I take a step toward the living room.
“Where are you going?”
“The marina,” I say. “I need to go see about a guy.”
“You don’t have to,” Jamie says.
“No. I really do.”
“I mean he just got here. He was walking toward the pool as I was coming up the stairs.”