I wondered when I’d get to that stage—when I’d no longer be able to keep my emotions safely locked away.
“So, are you going to eat that, or…?” Penna asked.
I glanced over and saw both of them staring at me with faces like they expected a psychotic break at any moment.
“Nope,” I said, wiping the marshmallow off with a paper towel. “It’s ruined.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” Leah asked softly. “You’ve been a locked box since you showed up at my door two days ago.”
“Nope,” I answered, reaching for another marshmallow.
“Oh, no, we’re not going to help you torture harmless tasty treats,” Leah said, snatching the bag away. “It’s comfort food only.”
I sighed and stretched my legs out to the side, close enough to the fire to feel the intense heat, but not close enough to burn myself.
That’s what I should have done with Landon. Kept him just far enough away to keep the singe off me.
“Are you sure?” Penna asked, licking her fingers clean. “I’m a really good listener.”
“I’m good,” I promised.
“And I’ll never tell them—the boys,” she added.
“Seriously, I’m fine,” I lied. “I don’t need to talk about it. I just want to forget it all happened.”
“The stuff with your dad? Or Landon?” Leah asked, knowing the barest basics of why I’d run.
“I don’t want to talk about them,” I reiterated.
“Okay,” she said slowly.
I didn’t even want to think about it. That just stirred up the feelings—the ones that felt like they were choking me in their need to be expressed, while my brain was shoving them back inside to stay sane. Sanity was good. It was safe.
“I mean, what good is talking about it going to do?” I asked, staring into the fire. “It’s not going to take us back two years. It’s not going to stop Landon from taking money from my dad to walk away from me. It’s not going to change the fact that no matter what I do, I will never compare to the Renegades. I’ll never be enough to be his number-one priority. Talking about it won’t change the way it feels—like my soul is being shredded by a cheese grater.”
“So you don’t want to talk?” Penna asked.
“No!” I snapped, feeling the tightly reined tethers of my control slipping. “He took money for me! And what’s worse—my father paid him. Is this the Middle Ages? Am I worth more than a cow and two pigs?”
“Technically, those went to the husband for taking you—” Penna said.
“He threw me away—us away—so that he could have his sponsorship, his dream. But he was my dream. He was all I wanted, and I’d given up everything for him. And Dad watched me cry. He held me together and helped me pack up what I’d unboxed in the apartment. He helped me take care of breaking the lease and getting into Dartmouth. He saw how heartbroken I was and said nothing. Nothing! Just assumed he knew what was best for me and then manipulated Landon out of my life.”
“So you’re more mad at your dad,” Leah said, scooting close enough that our hips and shoulders touched.
“Yes!” I shook my head. “No. Dad offered Landon everything he wanted, so yeah, that fucking sucks, but it was Landon who took it, who walked away without so much as a backward glance.”
“He looked backward,” Penna said softly.
My narrowed gaze snapped to hers. “You’re defending him?”
“What happened was shitty, and I can’t defend what he did to you, but I know the pressure he was under. Our parents…” She sighed. “Our parents aren’t all the Waltons. We are each other’s family. Landon chose to protect his family.”
“Just when I was starting to like you,” I grumbled.
“He’s my brother.”
“I know. Sometimes I just wish that he’d let me in that close, to put us on that same level, and I don’t think he ever will.” I sucked in a breath as my chest tightened and closed my eyes against the prickle of tears. I could not cry over Landon. Never again.
“I have to go home tomorrow,” Leah said after a few moments of silence. “It’s Christmas Eve, and my parents will kill me if I don’t show up.”
“Of course,” I told her, missing her already.
“Do you want to come with? There’s plenty of room. Or you, Penna?” Leah offered.
Penna shook her head. “My parents are with Brooke, and I’m honestly okay with it. She needs them more than I do, and I kind of like the silence. It’s perfect for not talking about the things you need to.” She shot me a pointed look.
“I’m not talking about it.”
She just nodded.
I looked at Leah’s pleading eyes and nearly gave in. “No. I’m staying here with Penna like we planned. I can’t see either of my parents right now. The phone call to tell them that I was safe was hard enough, let alone the dozen calls I’ve sent to voicemail from both of them. I mean, for fuck’s sake, does everyone lie and cheat? Do any of us have a shot at a normal relationship?”
Leah bit her lip, and I wished I could take the words back.
“I mean, other than you and Wilder.”
“No, totally. I knew what you meant. Just…you know, if you need to talk, you can call me at any point.”