“I’m glad you’re happy,” I told her. “Really and truly. What you and Wilder have…” I shook my head. “It’s precious.”
She reached over and squeezed my hand. “I want you to be happy, too. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be here around Landon, but I can tell that you’re not happy.”
“Happy is a relative term,” I said with a forced smile. I could put up with Landon—with the rending of my heart—if it meant Leah stayed here with Wilder.
“Stop. Stop faking it. Stop telling me you’re fine and agreeing to stuff you don’t want to do because you think it’s what I need. You don’t have to take care of me anymore. I’m okay. I need you to focus on you. Be honest with me.”
As if they were a physical thing, I felt my defenses slide away. Leah and I were too close for me to lie. “I think you were right. I’m not sure I ever got over him.”
“I know,” she said softly. “You were so busy taking care of me that I don’t think you ever really stopped to process what happened. He left, and within weeks we were at Dartmouth and you went from full-time heartbreak to full-time caregiver.” Her forehead puckered. “That was a lot to ask of you.”
“Never.” I covered her hand with my own. “You are my best friend, and the only good thing to come out of what happened with Landon. Maybe it was all supposed to be this way. Maybe he was supposed to leave me so I could find you and you could find Wilder. Maybe it’s all part of some big cosmic plan.”
“Or maybe…” She looked away.
“Maybe what?”
Her nose crinkled. “Don’t kill me, okay? Maybe you’re supposed to be here—with Landon. I’m not saying you have to be with him, or have to give him another chance. I just think that this guy really hurt you, and I hate him for it, but I’ve also gotten to know him over the last few months, and the same things that are broken in you are broken in him, too.”
“His dick seems to work just fine.”
“Yeah, well, I think that’s just a form of self-medication.”
I raised my eyebrows at her.
“I didn’t say I agreed with it. Look, you have five days with him—no class and no distractions. Maybe you stop letting him leave, stop running away, stop protecting yourself. Maybe you use this time to either put him in your past…” She shrugged.
My eyes narrowed. “Or…”
“Or maybe see if there’s a future.”
“Leah,” I growled. She of all people knew what he’d done, the condition I’d been in when we met.
“Oh, look, there’s Pax!” she said in overexcitement as Wilder appeared.
“Coward,” I whispered.
“Just pushing you the way you pushed me,” she said as she stood. “Whether or not you are willing to admit it, this is what you need.”
I pouted as my best friend walked off with the love of her life, no doubt to go have another of the extended make-out sessions they were always caught in the middle of.
Okay, maybe I envied that—not Wilder, of course, but the connection. The ability to touch someone you loved, hold them, know that you were more than a physical gratification.
I looked up at the bright blue sky and wished it wasn’t Landon’s face, Landon’s body, Landon’s touch that came to mind when I pictured that feeling. I knew Leah was right just as certainly as I knew that I’d never gotten over Landon.
But letting him in was easier said than done.
My instincts warred with each other the moment I saw him, my fight-or-flight response kicking in. But maybe it really was time to see what emotions were under those instincts, if I could manage to shut them down long enough to see.
“You ready to go, Rachel?” Little John asked from the doorway.
“I think I am,” I answered, gaining my feet.
He wrapped his arm around my shoulder as we walked toward where the others had gathered. Penna stood between Gabe and Alex, her crutches bracing her weight. Bobby directed the camera guy, who I’d learned last night was named Mike, while Wilder, Leah, and Landon talked to a group of Sherpas.
“How you doing with that one? No bullshitting.”
“Do you believe in the curse?” I couldn’t help but ask.
He stopped before we got to the group and looked down at me. “The one about you?”
“Yeah.”
“No. I was there. When he came back…” He glanced over to where Landon stood. “He was destroyed, like one of those Jenga towers. Too many of his pieces were missing. He wasn’t stable, he wasn’t focused, and he wasn’t safe. It wasn’t because of you, Rachel. It was because of what he did to you, the parts of himself that he left behind. I don’t think any of us realized the extent of what he felt about you until he turned into this shell. You are not a curse. You were his compass, his North Star, his constant. And then you were gone.”
“And now?”
“Now that’s up to you two.”
I sighed. “Let’s just get him through Nepal alive, shall we?”
“You’re here. I’m the least worried I’ve ever been about him. Well, not for his safety, since I’m pretty sure he should hide sharp objects around you, but he’s more himself. Plus, I haven’t seen any girls—”
“You’re blushing,” I said, laughing. There was something about a six-foot-five, three-hundred-pound guy turning red like a schoolgirl that had me in stitches.