“I’m not sure I’ll be exploring with you,” I said as I moved my fries over and squeezed a small puddle of ketchup onto my plate.
Leah slammed her book shut. “What do you mean? We planned this whole trip together.” Her eyes narrowed. “You don’t want to be around Landon.”
I dipped my fry, then bit and savored the deliciousness. There was something about having American comfort food when you weren’t anywhere near America that had me ready to hug the ship’s chef.
“Don’t avoid the question by molesting your food,” Leah ordered.
“Fine. I don’t want to be around Landon. I already have to be with him for two classes, and I don’t really want him included in all of my sailing around the world memories.”
She narrowed her eyes at me while she chewed thoughtfully.
“Do you want to know what I think?” she finally asked.
“Nope,” I said, popping another fry into my mouth. That cheeseburger looked really good, too.
“Well, I’m going to tell you, anyway.”
“I figured as much.” I sucked down a sip of my Pepsi and waited. The best and worst part of having Leah as a best friend was that she didn’t pull punches. She had no problem calling me out on my bullshit.
“I don’t think you ever got over him.”
My chest heaved, and it took every muscle in my body to keep the soda from flying out of my nose. Somehow I managed to safely swallow. “Seriously?”
“When we met, it was right after Landon left you, and Brian had just died.”
“Yeah, we were both wrecks.” I loved that she could say Brian’s name now without crying. Losing her boyfriend in a horrific car crash had shut her down in every way possible, and I had Wilder to thank for her progress. One more check mark in his pro column.
She reached over and took my hand with a gentle squeeze. “I was a wreck. You were distant, cold to everyone in the world but me, but you held yourself together. You held me together for those first months at Dartmouth and then helped me figure out how to live again.”
“Leah…” I never had words when she said stuff like that. She’d been so wounded then, barely surviving, and now here she was a hell of a lot more stable than I was.
“You were so busy taking care of me and my grief that you didn’t give yourself time to process yours. Between classes and moving and, well…me, you threw all you had into everything but dealing with losing Landon.”
I crossed my arms in front of my chest like they could fend off her truths.
“Don’t get all defensive,” she chided. “You’re amazing, and stronger than I ever could be. I just think that maybe there’s more going on than you’re willing to clue me in on—or maybe admit to yourself. You’d never even told me his name, or what happened, and we’ve lived together for over two years. All I knew was that a guy broke your heart the same day you broke your wrist, and he wasn’t up for discussion.”
I looked out at the Arabian Sea, watching the waves crest as we cut through the water, and tried to let her words sink in. Was she right? Sure, I’d thrown everything Landon-related into a heartbreak-proof box and shoved it so deep I couldn’t even find the thing, but that didn’t mean I’d never gotten over him. Did it?
“I probably should have talked to you about him. But you had so much on your shoulders then, you didn’t need my issues weighing on you, too. Maybe I used you to hide from my own shit. And maybe I liked that he was blocked out of every aspect of my life at Dartmouth, almost as if another person had loved him,” I admitted. Taking a breath to steady my nerves, I chose to rip the scab off and open myself to Leah the way she had done countless times. “What makes this almost unbearable is that I see him, and the memories come crashing back. I hear his voice, and I remember every conversation. But if I think about it, really give myself a moment, then it’s just this giant vat of pain and embarrassment.”
“Embarrassment?”
I laughed, and it wasn’t pretty. “How much has Wilder told you?”
“He just gave me a general overview of what happened, and then told me he forced Landon to choose between you and the Renegades.”
My stomach fell. “And Landon chose them. Eventually.”
“I’m so sorry.”
I waved her off. “Don’t be. I learned to depend on myself, to guard my heart, and I met you. Landon and I…well, we’re both better off for what he did.” My voice trailed off, as if I couldn’t tell the lie at full volume.
“You’re not, and I know he’s not.”
“What do you mean?” I abandoned the fry that was halfway to my mouth and looked longingly at the cheeseburger. I was so hungry that I was going to have to talk with my mouth full soon if Leah insisted on keeping this conversation going.
“Pax told me that Landon’s been a miserable asshole since he came back. That he was unfocused, and then started to fill the void…” She blushed.
“There’s a reason they call me the curse. And don’t worry, I know exactly how he filled that void.” Landon was well known in the extreme sports community, and my father hadn’t kept his Casanova reputation from me. He called it “congratulating me on dodging a bullet.” I called it rubbing salt in an already gaping wound.
I was apparently easily replaceable by any woman with a heartbeat and two legs.