She deserved better than him—more than what he could offer her. And she was vulnerable right now. Taking advantage of that would be unforgivable. He'd done enough unforgivable things in his life that he didn't need to add to the stack.
The cabin had cooled considerably, and even inside his sleeping bag, he was barely warm enough.
He'd positioned the sleeping bags as far apart as the walls would allow in the little space, putting the top of one toward the foot of the other. It was as lacking in intimacy as possible, given the circumstances, but it wasn't nearly lacking enough that David didn't think about how nice it would be just to zip the two bags together and slide inside with Noelle. Naked.
David gritted his teeth until the ache in his jaw pushed away his unwelcome thoughts.
He glanced over at Noelle's sleeping bag to see if she seemed warm enough.
Not only was she not there, sleeping, but her bag was untouched. She was still sitting where he'd left her at the tiny table. She had a pencil in her hand, and was scribbling furiously in a notebook he'd bought for her when they stopped at a megadiscount store for some spare clothing and cleaning supplies.
The light from the lantern cast a yellow glow over her features, setting her hair aflame with warm color. Even though her eyes were shadowed with fatigue and a frown of concentration shaped her brow, she was still beautiful in firelight.
He wondered what she'd look like stretched out naked beneath him with firelight flickering over her body.
Instantly, he was aroused again, thick and hard and ready to put into action his inappropriate thoughts.
David cursed silently, hating that he was at the mercy of his libido whenever he looked at Noelle. It was ridiculous that he couldn't control himself long enough to do his job. But even more, it was humiliating that he was beginning not to care about proprieties and protocol.
He focused on breathing, like he had for his marksmanship trials, until he was able to stand without scandalizing Noelle. Or tearing his jeans.
Not that she'd notice if he'd walked over there stark naked. The woman was nothing if not laser-focused on her work.
He walked quietly over to the potbellied stove, added more logs to the dying embers and put an ancient percolator on for coffee. He wouldn't be sleeping anymore tonight.
Noelle finally looked up and smiled at him. "Hi."
The sweet, inviting curve of her mouth was like a punch in the gut. It had been so long since he'd had a woman greet him in the morning with a soft smile and a friendly word. Such a simple thing and yet her open welcome was so... tempting. It made him think of late mornings after long nights spent making love. It made him think of breakfast in bed that never got eaten because other, more carnal hungers took over. It made him think of the simple pleasure of having a home and a woman who loved him to wake up to every morning.
It made him wonder if Noelle longed for those simple things as much as he did.
"Do you know what time it is?" he asked, his voice deep and rough with sleep and longing.
"Not really. Did I wake you?"
"No." She hadn't made a sound beyond that of pencil scratching over paper. If she had, he'd have woken, no matter how tired he'd been, probably with a weapon in his hand.
David eyed the plate of wilted lettuce and the majority of her sandwich sitting next to her. "You didn't eat."
"I will in a minute," she said, waving her pencil.
Frustration rose up like a tidal wave in David's chest. He was sure it was only partly due to her negligent care of herself The rest was pure lust, as raw and gritty as it got.
David grabbed the pencil and the notebook, and the paper away from her, ignoring the irritated expression of impatience on her face. "Hey! I was using those!"
He slammed her papers down on the butcher block counter and shoved the plate of food back in front of her.
"You're done working tonight. You're going to eat, then sleep, and when you wake up, I'll give your stuff back."
Her delicate chin thrust up in the air. "You can't tell me what to do."
"The hell I can't. I'm the one with the gun, remember?" He picked up the sandwich and placed it to her mouth.
"Eat."
Noelle rolled her eyes and took a bite. "Fine," she said ; around a mouthful of dried-out bread. "But when I'm done eating, I'm going back to work. People's lives are at stake, I'll sleep later."
David crossed his arms over his chest and straightened to his full height, giving her his best do-it-or-I'll-make-you stare. "The last thing we need is for you to get delayed because you're too sick to finish the job. Don't be stupid about this." As it was, he wasn't sure he was going to live through resisting his lust for her so much as another day. Delays were entirely out of the question.
She scowled at him. Of course, the whole effect was ruined by the dark circles and drooping shoulders. Whether she admitted it or not, she was tired.
"Can I at least wash up first?" she demanded. "I haven't showered since Friday night." She paused, frowning. "What day is it anyway?"
Lord save him from distracted academics. "Monday, just barely."
Her eyes opened wide and she jumped from her stool. "Oh, no! You have to get me to a phone so I can call in to work. Joan will be worried sick if I'm not there."
"I'm sorry, but she's just going to have to worry, then. We won't be making any calls."
"But I have to." She clutched his arm, those slim fingers curling around his biceps.
David suppressed a shudder of sheer male victory. She'd touched him again and it felt even better this time than it had before. He was quickly becoming addicted.
His body's response was as irritating as it was predictable. He had to get over his jones for this girl and fast.
"Listen, if you call Joan, you could be putting her in danger. I'm sure the Swarm had you under surveillance before the attack. It's likely that they know who your friends and family are and have put phone taps on anyone they think you might contact. It's even possible they could somehow trace the call back to us as well. And if not, then they might try to get the information out of Joan through ... unpleasant means."
"But I wouldn't tell her where we are." Her voice was frantic, pleading.
David steeled himself against the urge to soothe her. She didn't need soothing. She needed the truth so she wouldn't do anything dangerous. "It wouldn't matter if she knew or not. They'd still hurt her. I know you don't want that."
Her hands went limp and fell away from him. His arm burned in fury at the loss of her touch. David clenched his teeth and held his ground.
She nodded, bowing her head, but not before David saw a single tear glitter behind her glasses.
It was his undoing. He ordered his dick to shut the hell up and pulled her into his arms. She was stiff and cold, but she didn't pull away. Finally, her arms snaked over his shoulders and she buried her face against his throat.
"I hate this," she whispered. Her warm breath flooded over his skin, making him shiver.
He was on the razor edge of offering comfort and taking more, but he held his balance. "I know. But it will all be over soon." He prayed it wasn't too much of a lie.
She looked up at him, her eyes bright with tears, her nose pink. "And then what? I know I can't go back to my old life. As you pointed out, this will only happen again the next time someone finds a bit of ciphertext like this one. All I know how to do is what I've learned in school, which is entirely unique, and any job I could get would be like a red flag, even if I changed my name and identity." She pulled in a resigned breath, which pressed her small breasts against David's ribs in a delightful, distracting caress. "I'll never again get to work in academics, will I?"
He wasn't going to start lying to her now, but he did try to soften the blow with a quiet, understanding tone. "If you want to continue doing the same work you have been doing, the only safe option you'll have is to work for the government, probably in a secure facility under their protection."
"I can't do that. After this one job, I'm never going to work for them again."
"The military isn't all that bad, Noelle."
Noelle shook her head, making the tangled curls sway over the back of David's hands. He had to grip her waist hard to keep from grabbing those curls and plundering her mouth, but her soft curves gave way to his fingers, making his resistance a new kind of hell. "It may be a necessary evil, but I have to stand by my conscience, f have a responsibility to ensure that no harm comes from the things I create, and I just don't trust the military to share that responsibility with me."
It stung that she shunned everything that David had spent his life doing. She wasn't the only one who shared the opinion that the military was evil, but public opinion had never really bothered David before. He'd done what he thought was right. End of story.
Even when it meant walking away from everything he'd worked for because he knew he was no longer going to be able to lead his team safely. His emotions made him a liability.
His voice was a little more curt than he intended. "That group you don't trust is going to a hell of a lot of trouble to keep you alive."
She pulled away and stared up at him. "Only because I have something they want. Monroe was willing to have me executed if I didn't cooperate. That isn't exactly a friendly organization."
"We're not designed to be friendly. We're designed to get the job done, no matter how unpleasant it may be."
"I'll do this one job, but after that, I'm done. If I did anything else, I wouldn't be able to sleep at night."
David grunted. "And I can't sleep at night knowing there was something more I could be doing to help protect the lives of innocents."
"As long as you get to choose whose lives get protected and whose don't."
David felt his lip lift in a near snarl. "I didn't choose for my wife to die. The Swarm did that. Don't stand there and act all sanctimonious when you don't know what the hell you're talking about."
A wave of guilt spread over her features. "I'm sorry, David. I can't imagine what it must be like for you to lose the woman you love."
David's eyes slid shut and he willed himself to hold his emotions under tight rein. He couldn't afford to lose it right now, no matter how much he grieved for his Mary. "I know you're not happy about this situation, but I need you to cooperate and get this code broken as fast as you can. Whether or not you agree with the military's strategies for dealing with the bad things out there, you 're part of that strategy now."
"I know, and I will do the best I know how, just don't expect this one job to become the beginning of anything more. After this is done, I'm walking away. I won't ever work for you guys again."
"Don't make any decisions about that now. You'll have plenty of time later to decide what you want to do when there aren't people trying to kill you."
"That's just my point. As long as I'm still able to be an asset to any covert group—be they the U.S. government or otherwise—there will always be someone out to use me as a weapon. Or kill me. I'll never be free again."
She was right. David just wished she hadn't been smart enough to figure it out so soon.
"Listen," said David, forcing his voice to quiet to a soothing tone. "It's after two in the morning. Get some sleep and I promise things will look better when you're not so tired. Maybe not great, but better."