"I… was afraid…"
She wasn’t allowed to finish. Brand advanced two steps toward her, then stopped. "Have I ever given you a reason to fear me? Ever? Am I so damn difficult to talk to? Is that it?"
"I wasn’t afraid of you."
"A letter doesn’t make a whole lot of sense."
"I know," she whispered woefully. "It seemed the best way at the time. I didn’t mean to hurt you. Trust me, it hasn’t exactly been a piece of cake for me, either."
"Explain it to me, Erin, because I’m telling you right now, I can’t make heads or tails out of that letter. You love me, but you can’t marry me because you’re afraid we’ll end up divorcing someday and you don’t want to put our children through the trauma. Do you realize how crazy that sounds?"
"It isn’t crazy," she cried, vaulting to her feet. "Okay, so maybe I didn’t explain myself very well, but you weren’t there. You don’t know."
"I wasn’t where?"
"In the courthouse that day with Aimee." She covered her face with her hands and shook her head, trying to dispel the ready images that popped into her head. The same ones that had returned to haunt her so often. The young mother, who was consulting with her attorney and trying so hard to disguise the fact that she was crying. Aimee, her legs swinging like a pendulum gone berserk while she smoked like a chimney the whole time, pretending she was as cool as a milkshake. The heartache. The pain that was all so tangible. And the silence. That horrible, wounded silence.
"What makes you so certain we’ll divorce?" Brand demanded.
Lowering her hands, she sadly shook her head. "Because you’re Navy."
"I’m getting damn tired of that argument."
"That’s because you’ve ignored my feelings about the military from the first. I told you the night we met how I felt about dating anyone in the military. I warned you…but you insisted. You refused to leave well enough alone – "
"Come on, Erin," he argued bitterly, "I didn’t exactly kidnap you and force you to date me. You were as eager to get to know me as I was you."
"But I – "
"You don’t have a single quarrel. You wanted this. You can argue until you’re blue in the face, but it won’t make a damn bit of difference."
"I can’t marry you."
"Fine, then we’ll be lovers." He jerked off his blue uniform jacket and started on the buttons of his military-issue shirt.
Stunned, Erin didn’t move. She couldn’t believe what she was seeing. "I… I… what about the coffee?"
"Right. I’ll cancel it." He walked over to the phone and dialed room service. When he turned back to her, he seemed surprised that she was still wearing her coat. "Go on," he urged. "Get undressed."
Erin’s mind raced for an excuse. "You’re not serious," she said, crowding the words together.
"The hell I’m not. I don’t suppose you’re protected," he said, pausing momentarily. "Well, don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of it." He sat on the end of the bed and removed his shoes, then stood and methodically undid his belt. While she stood stunned, barely able to believe what she was viewing, he unzipped his pants and calmly stepped out of them.
Erin sucked in a sharp breath and backed up two or three paces. Brand must have sensed her movement, because he glanced up, seemingly surprised to find her standing so far away from him.
"Take off your clothes," he ordered. He stood before her in his boxer shorts and T-shirt, seemingly impatient for her to remove her own things.
"Brand, I…can’t do this."
"Why not?" he demanded. "You were plenty eager before. As I recall, you once told me you’d rather we were lovers. I was the one fool enough to insist we marry."
"Not like this," she pleaded. "Not when you’re so…cold."
"Trust me, Erin, a few kisses will warm us both right up." He walked over to her and systematically unbuttoned her coat. She stood, numb with disbelief. This couldn’t actually be happening, could it? In answer to her silent question, her coat fell to the floor.
Brand’s eyes were on hers, and she noted that the anger was gone, replaced with some emotion she couldn’t name. With his gaze continuing to hold hers, Brand reached behind her for the zipper at the back of her dress. The hissing sound of it gliding open filled the room as though a swarm of bees were directly behind them. She raised her hands in a weak protest, but Brand ignored her.
Easing the material over her smooth shoulders, he paused midway in his journey to press his moist, hot mouth to the hollow of her throat. Tense and frightened, Erin jerked slightly, then reached out and gripped the edge of the table to steady herself.
"Brand," she pleaded once more. "Please don’t…not like this."
"You’ll be saying a lot more than please before we’re finished," he assured her.
His mouth traveled at a leisurely pace up the side of her neck, across the sensitized skin at the underside of her jaw. Despite everything, his nearness warmed her blood.
Everything was different now. He was loving and gentle and so incredibly male. He smelled of musk. Erin had forgotten how much she enjoyed the manly fragrance that was Brand. He turned his head and nuzzled her ear with his nose, and unable to resist him any longer, Erin slipped her arms around his middle and tentatively held on to his waist.
He rewarded her with a soft kiss and braced his feet slightly apart. Then, dragging her by the hips, he urged her forward until she was tucked snugly between his parted thighs. Once she was secure, he slipped her arms free of the restricting material of her dress and slowly eased it over her hips.
Erin wasn’t ready for this new intimacy and resisted. Brand reacted by kissing her several times until she willingly parted her mouth to eagerly receive his kisses. The gathered silk material of her dress pooled at her feet.
His hands were at the waistband of her tap pants when he paused as though he expected her to resist him anew.
"I think we should stop now," she whispered, knowing that if the loving continued much longer they’d both be lost.
"That’s the problem," he whispered, his mouth scant inches from her own. "We both think too much. This time we’re going to feel."
"Oh, Brand…" She was confused and uncertain but too needy to care.
"I want you, Erin, and by heaven, I fully intend to have you."
If she pushed him away or made the slightest protest, Erin was convinced, Brand would immediately cease their lovemaking. But she seemed incapable of doing either. All she could seem to manage was a weak mewling sound deep in her throat that encouraged Brand to take further liberties with her. She felt torn between the dictates of her body and the decree of her pride. She couldn’t allow this to happen, and yet she was powerless to stop him.
He kissed her again and again. A trembling started ill her knees, spreading to her thighs until she could barely support herself. She sagged against Brand. He accepted her weight, and without her quite figuring out how he managed it, Erin found herself sprawled across the mattress with Brand lying alongside her.
"My sweet Erin, oh, my love," he whispered, his eyes tender. "Tell me you want me. I need you to say it…just this once. Give me that to remember you by." The words were issued in sweet challenge between wild, carnal kisses.
"Oh, Brand." She breathed his name when she could, but talking, indeed breathing, had become less and less important.
"Say it," he demanded again, easing his hands over her flat, smooth stomach to caress the womanly part of her.
"Do you want me?" he whispered.
" Yes… oh, yes."
Erin had never felt as she did at that moment. Never so needy or so feminine. He kissed her and moved over her, his hands in her hair, lifting her mouth upward to meet his. Brand made her feel as if she were exploding from the inside out. This feeling, so beautiful, so brilliant and warm, filled her eyes with tears that splashed onto her cheeks.
He straddled her, eager now, his hands gripping the waistband of her tap pants. He paused when he noticed her tears.
Slowly he eased himself off her and sat on the edge of the mattress, his eyes closed. "I can’t do it. Dear God in heaven, I can’t do it."
Erin couldn’t move. Her breasts were heaving, and tears rained down the side of her face and leaked onto the bedspread. "It would never work between us, Brand. I couldn’t bear to go through a divorce." She paused and twisted her head away so that she wouldn’t have to look at him.
"You honestly believe that, don’t you?" He slowly shook his head.
"I do mean it. Would I put us through this torture if I didn’t?"
"Honest to God, I don’t know." Before she fully realized his intention, Brand moved off the bed and reached for his clothes.
Erin sat up, distributing her weight on the palms of her hands. He was actually dressing. A few moments earlier he’d been preparing to make love to her, and now he was dressing. "I want you, Erin," he said when he’d finished. "I’ll probably regret not making love to you to the day they lower me into my grave."
"But why… aren’t you?"
"Damned if I know. Maybe it’s because I count your father as a friend." He paused and rubbed his hand across his face. "More likely I’m afraid if we make love, once would never be enough, and we’d spend the rest of our lives the way we have the last eight months. Personally, I can’t deal with that. I don’t think you could, either."
He was right; she’d never been so miserable.
"Go ahead and get dressed."
"First you demand that I undress, now you want me to dress. I wish you’d kindly make up your mind," she muttered peevishly. She scooted off the mattress and reached for her clothes, jerking them on impatiently.
"You claimed you wanted to talk," she reminded him once she’d finished.
He nodded. "Coming here wasn’t a brilliant idea." His smile was decidedly off center. He hesitated, his eyes sad. "My anger frightened you?"
"Only at first, when you seemed so indifferent."
He nodded and leaned against the wall, as if standing upright were becoming too much of a burden for him. "You meant what you said in that letter?"
Erin closed her eyes and nodded.
"I was afraid of that."
"Brand, I’d give anything if I could be different. Anything, but – "
"Don’t," he said, cutting her off. "It isn’t necessary."
"Please try to understand," she pleaded softly. "I went through hell. For nights on end I’d wake up weeping and not know why, and then I realized it all boiled down to what was happening to you and me. Deep down I knew it would be that way."
Brand said nothing. She’d pleaded with him not to argue with her, begged him to accept the inevitable, but his silence now was like having a knife plunged directly into her soul.