I reread it once, and then again. It’s simple but . . . better than anything I’d come up with on my own.

I’m reminded of the day I showed up at Millie’s last summer, in the impulsive mood to tear down the highway with the windows down and music turned up loud. We drove toward San Luis Obispo, and found a tiny new brewery there, had a lunch of messy burgers and tangy IPAs, and then drove home, quieter on the way back, with full bellies and the sound of flapping air and Tom Petty in the car. It was the perfect day with the perfect person.

And I remember when all five of us tried to surf, and only Chris managed to get up on the board while the rest of us gave up and watched from the warm sand of the shore. Millie was beside me, wearing a blue two-piece. She didn’t bother to spread out her towel; her stomach and legs were dusted with coarse sand, her eyes closed and face tilted up to the sky. We were new friends; she’d only been out of the relationship with Dustin for a matter of weeks at that point, and it was the first time we’d really talked about it—after a decent amount of prodding on my end: about how distracted Dustin was, about how weird it felt to be single, about how relieved she was to no longer be living with someone with such a hot temper.

I see our moments in every line of this profile, except one: I don’t know how she knows that I can’t imagine going on a date with only drinks, that a first date over coffee seems odd to me. I wonder whether she sees deeper, too, to a place even I can’t really access, and which understands better than my conscious mind does the ache I feel at the thought of Millie also writing a profile for herself, for others out there to read.

I’m unprepared for the way this hits me. The train of thought gives me a lurching nausea that resembles what I felt earlier, talking to Mom—the sense of something being all wrong. I press the heels of my hands to my eyes, and then open the IM thread with the guys.

Reid Campbell

Ok Millie’s attempt at my profile is pretty good.

Christopher Hill

Let’s see it.

Reid Campbell

You, too. Here’s mine . . .

I paste it in, and then read theirs as they pop up on the screen.

Christopher Hill

My friends would call me the calmest member of our group, and although I think it’s true, I sometimes feel like I have so much strident curiosity burning inside me that I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to retire. I have a silver Labrador named Maisie, and she is the current love of my life, but there’s absolutely room in there for more. Having married—and later divorced—my high school sweetheart, I learned not that relationships are treacherous, but that finding the right one isn’t easy, and we are all constantly growing with the world around us. I am a devoted fan of Cal football, roosters in any form, road biking, and will drive a hundred miles to find the best doughnut.

Christopher Hill

That rooster line is going, but otherwise—it’s pretty good.

Alex Ramirez

I love her so hard for slipping that in. Here’s mine: I see so many people around here emphasizing how laid-back they are, and I’ll be honest: that’s not me at all—I love to get out there and make some noise. I grew up racing dirt bikes in Huntington Beach, and now spend as much free time as I can mountain biking in the hills around Santa Barbara. I love to cook, I love to eat, and I love to dance my face off at weddings. But don’t worry—I don’t need to find someone who loves all the things I do, I want to find someone who knows who she is, is happy with who I am, and is ready to get out there and have some fun.

Stephen (Ed) D’Onofrio

And by fun, you mean sex.

Alex Ramirez

100%

Reid Campbell

Ed, where’s yours?

Stephen (Ed) D’Onofrio

I live in one of the most active places in California, but I admit to being a bit of a homebody. Don’t get me wrong—I love being outdoors, but I prefer the quiet version: the beach at night, the shaggy coastline, the hills at dusk. Some people are happiest out and about—me, I’m happiest when I’m in the lab or with my circle of friends, enjoying a good meal, and cracking jokes. I may never be the first across the finish line, but I will be laughing the entire trip no matter what. Honestly, I’m just looking for someone who wants to be there, laughing right next to me.

Reid Campbell

Wow. These are good.

Christopher Hill

Has anyone seen Millie’s?

Stephen (Ed) D’Onofrio

No.

Christopher Hill

I mean, if we’re loading these now, we’ll see hers soon right?

Stephen (Ed) D’Onofrio

Not necessarily because even if she posts it online, men can’t see women’s full profiles unless they’re granted access to them. So, you’d have to like her photo and basic profile and hope that she gives you access.

Reid Campbell

But wouldn’t she? With us?

Christopher Hill

I mean we’re not planning to date Mills, so maybe not.

Alex Ramirez

Why not just ask her to send it to you dumbass

Reid Campbell

Ok, I will. Let me add her.

[Millie Morris has joined the chat]

Millie Morris

What up losers

Reid Campbell

These profiles are awesome

Millie Morris

I know! I’m really good at this.

Alex Ramirez

Let’s see yours

Millie Morris

Alex, please. At least buy me dinner first.

Alex Ramirez

Oh, girl, I would buy you dinner AND dessert if you catch my drift

Millie Morris

Well that escalated quickly.

Reid Campbell

In the darkroom, right Alex?

Alex Ramirez

What?

Millie Morris

What?

Reid Campbell

Never mind. Mills—show us your profile.

Millie Morris

Okay hang on. Then I’ve got to jet to class . . .

Millie Morris

Here tit is. Enjoy. “It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt. I’ve always been drawn to the eccentric, the eerie, the unbelievable. I’m a lover of books and beaches, movies and mayhem. If you want to know more, just ask!

[Millie Morris has left the chat]

Christopher Hill

 . . . An Eleanor Roosevelt quote? Is Millie a lesbian?

Reid Campbell

Not that I know of, but now I’m questioning everything.

Alex Ramirez

Huh. I feel like that last sentence could take Millie’s inbox to a lot of interesting places.

Reid Campbell

So I’m not the only one who was underwhelmed by this?

Christopher Hill

Are any of us surprised that it says nothing about her?

Stephen (Ed) D’Onofrio

Maybe she’s anticipating guys being sort of gross so she’s sharing less?

Christopher Hill

Maybe.

Stephen (Ed) D’Onofrio

Someone should tell her that sucked. NOT IT

Christopher Hill

Not it

Alex Ramirez

NOT IT

Reid Campbell

W O W.

Stephen (Ed) D’Onofrio

What? She likes you the most

Reid Campbell

Who doesn’t?

Reid Campbell

So are we doing this? I have to get back to work.

Stephen (Ed) D’Onofrio

Mine is ready to go. I’m using that pic Chris took of me last summer.

Christopher Hill

The one where you’re dressed as Grimace? I think that’s a bad choice.

Stephen (Ed) D’Onofrio

No, the one of me on your back deck, you dick.

Christopher Hill

Marginally better.

Alex Ramirez

Clicking submit in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .

Reid Campbell

Here we go.

Stephen (Ed) D’Onofrio

Oh, and “tits.” Everyone notice she typed tits again?

Alex Ramirez

Classic Millie. Loves tits. Maybe she is a lesbian.

Reid Campbell

Focus.

Chapter five

millie

My phone is ringing before the sun is even up.

Well, ringing isn’t quite right; it’s buzzing incessantly from somewhere beneath my back. I try to roll away before realizing I’m tangled in the sheets and extracting myself feels like a lot of work—my arms are asleep, my head is foggy, and I’m not ready to leave this Chris Hemsworth dream.




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