I didn’t complain, even though it was a bit of a struggle to breath like that. But I liked his weight on top of me. I relished it. When he did finally roll off of me, it was only to lay plastered to my side, a heavy arm thrown over me.
We didn’t speak for long minutes, and I felt a sleepy fog invading my senses. But something was nagging at me, a persistent thought that I wanted to clear between us before exhaustion took me.
“Do you feel used by me?” I asked him suddenly.
He rose on an elbow to meet my eyes squarely. His studied mine, looking sad. It made me feel a little sad just to see it.
“I don’t,” he said after a long pause. “I worry that you don’t care for me, not like I care for you. I worry that you aren’t able to return my feelings. And I realize that, for the first time in my life, I would let you use me, however you wanted, if it came to that. If that’s all I could get from you, I would take it.”
I stroked his cheek, feeling an almost uncontrollable need to reassure him. “I do care for you. It scares me sometimes, the way I feel.” My voice was a whisper. It was all I could manage.
His eyes closed and he pressed his cheek into my hand, looking relieved but still almost anguished, all at once. It was hard to look at him, his face was so raw with emotions.
“Then live with me,” he said softly. “Be with me. Swear you’ll never leave me.”
I sighed heavily, but I knew him well enough to know that he couldn’t help but be so demanding. I’d given him a confession of sorts, and it was his first and strongest instinct to press forward and use it to his advantage. I had known, just known, that he would. When I gave, he took more, it was what both drew me to him, and terrified me about him.
“We need to be rational adults about this, James. Let’s start by trying to be together, trying to spend time together, when we can. I think that’s a good start. So, yes to the ‘be with you’ part. We’ll see on the rest.”
He arranged me against him for sleep, spooning me from behind, both of us lying on our sides how we slept. “Move in with me. We’ll be traveling so much that I’m not sure you’ll notice the difference, but say you’ll live with me. Just give me that much, and I’ll relent from pressing you for more, for the moment.”
Shockingly, his persistence actually just made me smile. That’s when I knew that I was well and truly sated. Or perhaps that was just an excuse for my sudden weakness. I made a conscious effort not to analyze it to death, and just thought about his request. What would it mean, to live together? It wasn’t a permanent step, right? I could always withdraw, if I panicked.
“I’m keeping my house. I worked my ass off for that house, and I’m keeping it,” I told him, shocked even as the words left my mouth, because I knew how he would take them, and it was, amazingly, actually how I meant them.
His arms squeezed me almost painfully from behind. “Of course. We can stay there when we’re in Las Vegas. Whatever you want. I’ll sell the other house in Vegas, if you prefer, though we should probably keep it for the stables, if you want to keep riding.”
I felt such a relief at my own acquiescence, at the world of relief that I heard in his voice and felt in his body, that it floored me. I had wanted this just as much as he had, I realized. I just hadn’t allowed myself to admit it.
“I do want to keep riding,” was all I said.
“Yes. Thank you, Bianca. You make me so happy. I never knew life could be like this,” he murmured into my hair. His voice was thick, as though with tears. I wasn’t brave enough to look back and see.
“So now you can’t propose, or do anything else crazy, since you said you’d relent if I agreed to live with you.”
He stiffened slightly as I spoke, and I was right there with him. My words had been a joke, because of course he wouldn’t propose, but they had made him tense up. That made me tense up.
“How long do I have to wait, then?” he asked, his tone earnest. “Give me a time frame, and I’ll respect it.”
The word ‘forever’ wanted to shoot out of my mouth, but I counted to ten, trying not to panic. “I can’t give you a time frame, James. I can’t even talk about it without having a panic attack. Let’s just enjoy the living together part, ok?”
He nuzzled against my hair, burrowing deep until he’d moved all the way into my neck. He kissed me there. “We’ll talk about it another time. I’ll give you time to grow accustomed to the idea.”
My exhausted body began to drift off, but not before I had the clear thought that he had somehow managed to get me to agree to one huge concession and still insisted on gaining some ground on yet another.
Impossible, dominant man.
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
I blinked awake slowly. James was still spooned tightly behind me. And he had apparently been the thing that woke me up, as he murmured softly into my ear. He was saying sweet little things, an apology in his soft tone. “I’m sorry, my love. I’d let you sleep longer, I’d stay like this forever if I could, but I have to go to this thing, and I can’t bring myself to leave you. Please wake up.”
“I’m awake,” I told him in a voice rusty from sleep.
He kissed my hair. “Good.” He sat up, slipping away.
I made a loud sound of protest at his absence.
He laughed, and it was a carefree, happy sound.
I felt my face soften, my whole body softened, and a tender smile took over my face. Hearing such a happy sound come out of James made me happy. How not? I couldn’t imagine being immune to him.