I got out of bed and headed for the bathroom. I knew they both woke up when I got off the bed, but neither of them said anything to me.
“Thank you,” I choked out before I disappeared behind the bathroom door.
For the most part I was still pretty numb. It was like my brain wouldn’t allow me to think about it, about her. I guess it was some sort of self-preservation defense mechanism or something. But I knew that I couldn’t stay in bed for the rest of my life; I needed to figure out what was going on, what I was supposed to do next. I knew that I had to keep moving, one foot in front of the other, just keep moving. The first step was a shower.
When I got out, Ash and Meg were no longer in my room. I appreciated the privacy since I had forgotten to take clothes with me and only had a towel wrapped around me. I threw on some jeans and a t-shirt and went to face my Evie-less future.
I found Ash and Meg sitting at the table, each holding a cup of coffee, but neither drinking it. They sat silently, staring at nothing, lost in sleep-deprived thoughts. When I entered the room, they both stood up quickly and rushed to my side.
“I’m fine, I’m fine,” I said softly. We all knew I was lying. I looked at Meg first, thanking her for the night before with just my look. She smiled slightly and said “you’re welcome” with a nod. Then I turned to Ash. He engulfed my body with his before I could say a word. He held me so tight up against him, I was afraid he was going to bruise my ribs. But I didn’t say a word. I needed him to hold me close. I needed to feel protected and close to someone. I needed to not feel alone
“Oh, butterfly…” were the only words he needed to say.
I pulled my head out of his chest and looked up at him, but stayed snuggled against Ash’s warm body. “So what’s the plan? Have any arrangements been made? Where are her parents?” I began with my questions.
Meg spoke up from behind me. “Evie’s parents are at our house staying with Jess. They made arrangements yesterday for a small service this afternoon at the funeral home’s chapel. They are going to have her cremated so there won’t be a graveside service.” I flinched when she said the word “cremated.”
“Meg, that’s enough,” Ash scolded her as he tightened his hold on me.
I shook my head, “No, that’s okay. She needs to be honest with me and I want to know what’s going on.” I took a deep breath. “Do they know what happened? Why?”
“Initial reports showed a brain bleed. They were doing further tests overnight so we should know more today,” Meg answered again.
A brain bleed? The headaches, the fatigue, her weakening eyesight… it all made sense. I should have pushed her to go to a different doctor. I should have made sure that she followed up with someone when the headaches didn’t go away. I should have done something that would have saved her life.
“Has anyone called Max?” I blurted out. Ash and Meg looked at each other and shook their heads.
“No, I don’t think so,” Ash said quietly.
“I need to call him. He should be on his way home from Dallas now. He was there playing at a music festival over the weekend,” I explained as I broke free from Ash’s arms.
“You really don’t need to do that right now, Scarlett.” He tried to wrangle me back in, but I stepped further away from him.
“No, I do. He needs to get here in time for the service. He wouldn’t want to miss it.” I began searching the dorm for my apartment for my phone when I made the realization that Evie’s boyfriend and Evie’s parents would meet for the first time at her funeral. I rushed to the bathroom only to discover that there was nothing left in my stomach to discard.
A few minutes later I had gathered myself enough to leave the bathroom and make the dreadful call to Max. He answered on the first ring.
“Hey Scarlett, what’s up?”
“Hey Max, are you guys on your way home?”
“Yeah, we left a little more than an hour ago. Why? Is everything okay? Where’s Evie?”
“No, Max, everything is not okay. You need to get home as soon as possible. Come straight here.”
“Scarlett, you are scaring me. What’s going on?”
“I can’t talk about it over the phone, Max. I just need you to get here. And please, don’t say anything to Mason for me.”
“He’s in a different car, I won’t see him again until we get back. Scarlett, tell me what’s going on! Where the fuck is Evie? Is she hurt?”
“Just get here, Max.”
I hit the end button and stared at the phone. Why was this happening to me?
“If you were going to call him, you should’ve told him, Scarlett,” Ash said. “He’s going to be worried sick. He’s going to think the worst.”
“He should think the worst, Ash! She’s dead! That’s about as fucking bad as it gets!” I screamed at him. I stormed into my room and slammed my door. I threw myself on my bed and hid my head under my pillow. I wanted to disappear. I wanted everyone and everything to go away. I wanted to be alone. I still didn’t cry.
Unfortunately, Ash either didn’t get the hint or decided to ignore it because a few minutes later, I heard my door open and close quietly. He climbed into bed with me and gathered me into his arms. He held me close, rubbing my back, and kissing the top of my head. “It’s going to be okay, butterfly. I promise. I know it doesn’t seem that way right now, but I promise you are going to be just fine. I will be here for you, for whatever you need. Jess and Meg and you and me… we are all going to get through this together, okay?”
I didn’t respond. I didn’t really think he was looking for an answer anyways. I knew he was saying what he thought I needed to hear, and honestly, it did make me feel a little better even though I knew he had no idea if I was going to be okay or anyone else for that matter. I let him hold me until I heard Evie’s mom’s voice carry through the thin walls of the dorm. I got up, knowing that I needed to be strong for her. She had just lost her only child, and I owed it to her to make this day as painless as possible. There simply wasn’t room for any more pain.
Chapter 28
The funeral was… well, it was a funeral. Evie’s parents kept it very small and low-key. In addition to a few of Evie’s extended family members, Jess was there with Jacob, Nicholas, Vicki, Meg, and Ash. Mina and all of the 32 Leaves’ members were there to support Max. He seemed to have taken the same approach to life post-Evie as I had - numb. I sat with Evie’s parents in the front row, my parents couldn’t make it with such short notice. After the priest conducted the formal portion of the ceremony, they opened the floor to anyone who wanted to speak.
Jess approached the microphone first. I was so proud of her as she kept herself together as she retold funny stories of her and Evie being mischievous and getting in trouble when they were kids. Max walked to the front of the room next, his acoustic in tow. Just looking at him broke my heart even more, and at that point, I thought that feat was impossible. He pulled a stool from the side of the altar area and sat down, his guitar in his lap.
“I never in a million years thought I would I meet someone as perfect for me as Evie was. I still can’t believe that she’s gone. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m just going to play this song.” I had never heard Max sing or play the guitar before; he played the bass and occasionally the keyboard in the band. But he was good, really good. He poured his heart into every word of that song. When he sang the words, “And if you were with me tonight, I’d sing to you just one more time, A song for a heart so big, God wouldn’t let it live,” I almost lost it. I almost broke down in uncontrollable tears. I almost allowed myself to feel all of the pain that was sitting there, waiting to be let into my heart. Almost.
It took every bit of willpower I had to make me move and take Max’s place on the stool once he had finished. I had to sit down because there was no way that my legs were going to hold me up for long. Typically, I would’ve been a little nervous to speak in front of people, especially unprepared, but since my emotion switch was securely on the off position, I was immune to the nerves as well. I addressed the small gathering.
“As you all know, Evie has been my best friend for forever. There really aren’t words that can do her justice; she was my rock, my everything. I hope everyone is blessed enough to have someone as wonderful as Evie in their lives. Despite how awful I feel in this exact moment, and believe me, I never imagined that I could hurt so Goddamn much, I wouldn’t give a moment back. Not one single moment.” I managed to make it back to the pew next to Evie’s mom without tripping on an imaginary stump or passing out cold. I didn’t hear much more of what was said from that point on. I tuned everything out until I saw everyone stand up and start walking towards the door.
Before the funeral, Evie’s parents had spoken with me privately about how they wanted to handle Evie’s things and the dorm for the rest of the year. They gave me her car, just flat out gave it to me. I tried repeatedly to refuse, but they insisted that they wanted me to have it. There were only a few items from her room that they wanted to take with them, a few photos and pieces of memorabilia. They told me that I could keep whatever I wanted and they would send someone to box up the rest for donations. In addition, they told me that they had prepaid for the dorm for the entire school year, and they wanted me to stay. I still hadn’t decided what I was going to do about the following semester, but I didn’t want to tell them that then. Finally, and most importantly, they offered their home to me - anytime, no questions. I would never forget her mom’s words to me, “Scarlett, you are our only daughter now, dear. Our home is your home, whenever you need it or want it. We will continue to take care of you as if you were our own. Evie would want that. We want that.” I nodded and thanked them both. I could not imagine how they could be so selfless and giving at a time when the most precious thing in their life had been tragically ripped away from them. I felt like a selfish bitch because all I could think about was how Evie’s death was going to affect me, how I was going to move on… I had given little thought to the utter devastation that her parents must be dealing with.
Evie’s parents left directly from the funeral home to go back home. They hugged me tightly and reminded me that I could call on them at any time for anything. It should’ve been me saying those things to them. I said my goodbyes to everyone before heading back to the dorms; I needed some alone time. Ash and Meg both asked me several times if I was going to be okay by myself. I assured them that I really needed some time to get my thoughts together and I wanted to have at least one evening by myself. They seemed reluctant to let me go, but I promised that I would call or text them at any point if I needed them and someone would come stay with me.
It was a little after 5:00 when I returned to my room. I just sat on the couch in the silence, I wasn’t really sure what to do. I considered going ahead and cleaning out Evie’s room, but quickly rejected that idea. I was grieving, not a masochist. I thought about reading a book, but I knew that I didn’t have the attention span to focus on anything that required comprehension. I opted to put a movie on. I looked at figures moving around the television, interacting with each other, but I had no clue what was actually going on. I laid down on the couch, still refusing to think about the events of the previous thirty-six hours. My phone alerted me that I had a text message, so I mindlessly crossed the room to retrieve the message.