My old man killed himself and left me to take care of the family. That was my “tagline” whenever anyone asked me about you. That basically summed up everything anyone needed to know about you as far as I was concerned. I hated you—not only for taking your life and leaving us, but also for leaving me feeling guilty in the wake of your death. I was never the same—our family, your family, we were never the same without you.
River and I said once if our life before you died was a puzzle, you took a piece of that puzzle with you—a piece that can never be returned. It took me until now to see that you were a product of the tolls life took on you . . . that you were a good man who had more than his share of obstacles thrown his way. But you and me—we shared a bond and I felt like you destroyed it when you took your life. I was mad at you a lot, but I was a teenager, you were the adult. You should have had faith that I loved you, no matter what. I mean, come on, you knew me better than anyone else—and I always wondered why. Was it because you wanted to make sure I was more like you than him? If so, I hope you are proud of me because I am proud to be so much more like you.
My view of the world has changed since your death, but I remember when I was young and naive and you taught me everything you could about music and helped me believe in the magic of the world. We looked for four-leaf clovers for hours and when we found one, you laminated it for me to preserve that small wonder. When I had questions, you answered them. You were always there for me.
Then after the funeral, that all changed. I lost my parent, my hero, and my teacher. I thought a lot about death and dying and who was to blame. In the end I blamed you rather than myself, but now standing here talking to you—I blame no one. I just wanted you to know that—I blame no one. And, Dad, know this—I love you.
That’s how I feel about him—finally I can accept him for him. I get to my feet and brush off the grass. Then I pick up the flower pack and pull the lilies out one by one and lay them on the ground. As I turn and walk away, birds sing and a bell tolls in the distance, but all I can think about is this man who I called Dad, even with all of his flaws—he was my dad and I loved him.
CHAPTER 18
I’m Alive
My eyes blink against the silvery glow of moonlight as I open the door. Her earrings glimmer and her shy smile makes it hard to breathe. I’d fallen asleep on the couch and the sound of the doorbell jolted me awake. I’m surprised to see her—why, I’m not sure. Maybe because I acted like an ass**le, maybe because I feel like I should have taken her away from him. I haven’t had time to figure out where exactly my guilt is coming from, but as I stand before her I know it doesn’t matter.
We look at each other for the longest time until I notice her eyes tilt to my chest and I realize my shirt is unbuttoned. She’s staring at my skin, at my side, where the ROSES ARE SO CLICHÉ tattoo is inked—the tattoo I got for her because I knew I’d always love her. I know that not even what has happened the last few days can change that. She stands in the doorway before me, quiet and utterly gorgeous. She’s in a pair of jeans and a simple white T-shirt. She’s not wearing any makeup, not even her trademark red lipstick, and her hair is pulled back by some kind of band. My heart races at the sight of her and I let out a long breath.
“Ivy,” I manage as the love I feel for her whirls around and cocoons us.
Her cheeks flush at the sound of her own name.
“Xander, I’m so sorry. Are you okay?” she asks in an impassioned voice.
I nod. But I don’t want to discuss Nick or Dylan any more today. After a beat, I ask, “Is everything all right? What are you doing here so late?”
She crosses her arms tightly over her stomach and grips her elbows. “I needed to see you. Make sure you were all right. Can we talk?”
My breath catches on the smallness of her voice—the uncertainty in it tears a hole through me. She holds my gaze, and my gut twists in a funny way. She inhales deeply and blurts out, “It’s my turn to say I’m sorry. I left Damon. I never loved him. I only married him to protect you.”
“I know,” I whisper and close my eyes, standing silent for the longest time. It’s like my body turns to stone at the mere mention of his name. When I open my eyes and look at her, I let everything go and just pull her to me and hold her.
“I love you, Xander,” she cries.
“I know,” I whisper again, but that doesn’t change the fact that she’s married to him. I swallow, trying to catch my breath and then pull away. I move aside and motion for her to come in. She reaches for me again, but I retreat and instead place my hand on the small of her back and guide her into the living room. This slight, seemingly intimate touch makes me come alive. I want to feel her skin all over mine, touch her, taste her, sink into her. I want to forget about the day and just get lost in her. But she’s married. We take the step down into the living room. My stuff is thrown on the coffee table and the pillows from the sofa are tossed on the floor. Normally I’d have an urge to pick up, but I really don’t give a shit right now. When my eyes shift from the floor to her, I see it—the innocence she possesses—and my guilt is back.
“I want to explain everything, Xander,” she says softly.
“I understand why you did what you did. You don’t have to explain.” I pause, then add, “Fuck, I just wish you hadn’t . . . After everything, I can’t believe you didn’t . . .” I stop as the words keep catching in my throat.
“Didn’t what?” she asks.
“You should have called me the minute he showed up. To be honest with you, I can’t even think about you with him without wanting to kill him.”
“I did call you, Xander. I did,” she cries. “But Amy answered and I hung up. Did you run to her the minute you got home?”
I whirl around to face her. “Fuck, no! Of course not. I didn’t even know you called.” I try to figure out how Amy would have answered and then I remember being over at River and Dahlia’s and leaving my phone on the counter. “I headed over to my brother’s to pick up some things and left my phone on the counter. She was there helping my mother get some food ready. That’s all.”
Alarm flashes across her face. “I believe you. I do. But I needed to talk to you then. Damon was threatening you and the band. I tried to reach you and she answered your phone and I had no idea what that meant. Before I knew it, he was whisking me off to get married. He told me if I didn’t do it he was going to tear you apart with lies—your life, your band, your family. He was on the phone with TMZ. He gave me five seconds to make my decision. I knew I’d regret not stopping him for the rest of my life—so I agreed to his terms—I had to appear happily married to him for six months. Once I said yes, we were married before I could even think twice about it. In hindsight that may not have been the best decision to make, but it seemed right at the time. Xander, I’m so sorry, but I hope you understand and forgive me.”
I sit a safe distance from her. “There’s nothing to forgive. You did what you felt was right. I may not agree with it, but I understand. I get it, but that doesn’t change anything right now. You’re still tied to him—not me—and I can’t stand it. I have to figure this out. You need to give me some time. I need to get a handle on how to proceed.” Looking at her, I want nothing more than to thread my fingers through her hair and pull her mouth to mine. But I can’t. I swallow the lump in my throat. I don’t want to ask the question because there can be only one answer that will make us all right. Bending down, I cradle my head in my hands.
“Xander, talk to me,” she begs.
“I just need to know one thing right now.”
Her eyes search mine and she never lifts her gaze. “What do you want to know?”
I shift uncomfortably before I even ask the question. But I’m tired, beat, shot for the day, so I just ask, “Did you let him touch you while you were together on the bus?”
“No. No. No. No, Xander. I would never. Not after you and me. Not after what we finally had again. I don’t want anyone else. Just you.”
Suddenly she seems so far away. I stand up and close the distance between us. She smiles at me and I wrap her in my arms. We hold each other for a long time. I kiss her head over and over. “Come here,” I whisper in her ear, and I sit down, pulling her onto my lap. I slump back against the couch. Relief floods me, and now that that burden has been lifted off my shoulders exhaustion overtakes me. “Ivy, I know we have a lot of talking to do, but I just can’t right now. I’m just wiped out.”
“It’s okay. I understand. We can talk tomorrow.”
I nod with a small smile and claim her mouth as mine. “Ivy,” I breathe against her lips.
“Xander, take me to bed. Please.”
“No, Ivy. Not while you’re someone else’s. I want you, but we need to figure all of this out.” I stare into her perfect face and know I’ll do anything to make her mine.
She pleads, “Please let me stay here.”
I don’t have to contemplate what to do—I lift her off my lap and stand up. “Come with me,” I tell her and lead her to my room. She changes into one of my T-shirts and I get her settled in bed and kiss her on the forehead. “Good night, baby.”
“Where are you going?” she asks.
“I’m going to sleep on the couch.”
She clasps my hand. “No, stay with me. I just want to be near you. I need you.”
“Ivy, don’t make this more difficult. You’re still married to him.”
“We were married for three days.”
“It doesn’t matter. You’re still married and until we can take care of that I think we should keep our distance.”
“Please, just stay with me. Just lie down with me until I fall asleep.”
Tired, worn, and so in love with her, I give in, against my better judgment. Seeing her lying on the bed, I feel like my willpower has already crumpled and being this close to her is crushing it. I bite down on my lip to keep from stripping her clothes off and f**king her right now. She pats the bed next to her and I give in and crawl in beside her. She rests her head on my chest and I wrap my arm around her. I squeeze her against me and she’s right where she should be. I close my eyes and finally find peace.
The bathroom light illuminates the room a bit when I wake up to her fingers trailing down my stomach. I take a deep breath. “No, Ivy, I told you. Not while you’re married to him. Don’t make this any harder.” Her touch is breaking me down. I have to find whatever strength I have left to deny the need to bury myself in her. I want to slide inside her and just let time slip away. But I’ll hate myself if I do.
“Even if we can’t be together, we can be close in a different way,” she whispers.
Her fingers brush the side of my cheek. “Xander . . .” She shifts her body so she’s lying on her back.
My pulse races as her hands drift down her own body.
“I’m going to touch myself and I want you to do the same,” she says in a soft, quiet voice, and even in the barely lit room I can see her cheeks flush violently. I’m shocked by her words, but it’s her actions that floor me. I sit up, but don’t say a word. I’m mesmerized by the look on her face. She stands up and I watch her every move. My breathing is so accelerated I’m not sure if I can ever catch my breath. She lifts my T-shirt over her head and runs her fingers over her pink bra. She reaches behind her to undo it and she slowly lets the straps fall down her shoulders. I lick my lips at the sight. The bra falls from her body and her perfect br**sts are all I see. I want so much to touch them, squeeze them, suck her ni**les into small peaks, but I can’t—I won’t.
Instead I continue to watch her, captivated not only by her actions, by her beauty, but by her body language as well—by the way I can tell she wants me to know she loves me. She moves her hands to her panties and I hold my breath. Exhaling, barely able to speak, I ask in a hoarse, low voice, “Fuck, what are you doing?”