“I guess I deserve that considering the way I treated you.”
“Yeah, you do,” she replied bitterly.
“Words are cheap, Lils. You know that better than anybody. I think I could tell you how sorry I am from dusk until dawn, but it wouldn’t be enough. You should have actions like me groveling on my knees, begging and pleading for forgiveness, sending you flowers every day. Anything to show you the depth of my regret.”
She cocked her brows at me. “You really feel that way?”
“I do.”
“When did you come to this epiphany?”
“Not soon enough.”
“Exactly when?” she pressed.
“When I heard about Paul.”
She sucked in a breath. “So twenty-four hours ago you could have cared less about how you treated me, but then just like that, everything changed?”
“No, it’s not like that at all. It wasn’t like the day you left I just stopped feeling for you. I was in a fucked up place then. For the first time in my life, I wasn’t the responsible one. I was being young and rebellious. Everything was within my reach from money to cars to alcohol. That lifestyle—it fucks with your head. After going through what I did with Tom and Raul, I thought I was stronger than succumbing to temptation of booze.”
“I could have helped you be strong, but you pushed me away.”
“I know I did. And I’m so fucking sorry I did that.” Bringing my hands over my face, I then shook my head. “The truth is that I missed you each and every day we were apart. Most of the time, I would push the thoughts of you away, but sometimes they were harder to do than I thought.”
“Every day I kept hoping that you would wake up and realize what you had done. I even had fantasies of you showing up in different places, begging me to come back. But they never came true.”
“But I’m here now.”
“And what if my father hadn’t died? Where would you be?”
“Still lost.”
She shook her head. “You wouldn’t be here with me.”
I growled in frustration. “Dammit, Lily, why does it matter what the reason is? I’m here.” When she wouldn’t look at me, my fingers gripped her chin, forcing her to look in my eyes. “Sometimes it takes a catastrophic event to get you to see the error of your ways. Paul’s death did that for me. It showed me at any moment we could be taken out of this world, so you have to live life to the fullest, admit your mistakes, and right your wrongs. That’s why I’m here.”
Lily stared at me in surprise. “You really mean that?”
“I sure as hell do.”
“You hurt me so badly, Brayden,” she whispered.
“I know I did. More than anything in the world, I wish I could go back to those months before you left. I would be a different man. I swear that to you.” Taking one of her hands, I brought it to my lips. “Just give me a chance, Lily. Please. I beg you. Give me another chance.”
“I want to, but I don’t think I can. After losing my dad…I don’t think I could survive losing you again.”
“You won’t have to. I swear to God you won’t. Please, just give me a chance.” Bringing her hand to my heart, I said, “I would crawl through a field of fire and broken glass before I would ever hurt you again.”
The agonized expression on Lily’s face began to fade. Within her blue eyes, a gleam I hadn’t seen in a long, long time burned bright. It took me by so much surprise that I shifted slightly away from her.
“I need you inside me, Brayden.”
My eyes bulged at her statement. I shook my head furiously from side to side. “No, no, you don’t know what you’re saying right now.”
“Yes, I do. I’m so dead inside. I want to feel alive again.” Her hands came up to cup my cheeks. “Only you have ever made me feel alive.”
“I feel the same way about you,” I murmured, my resolve slowly fading.
“Then make love to me.”
I groaned. “But it’s wrong, Lily. You’re overwhelmed and grief-stricken. I could never forgive myself for taking advantage of you right now.”
With a mirthless laugh, she said, “Oh, now, you become your old honorable self again. How fitting.”
“Lily, please. I just swore I would never hurt you again. You know I would do anything to make your pain easier, but I can’t do this.”
“I’ll hate you far more if you deny me, and you will ease my pain by giving me a physical connection.” Her hand dropped to my lap, cupping my dick. It didn’t need to be reacquainted with Lily. It rose up to greet her like it had missed her. Hell, it probably had. She knew it almost better than I did. As she worked me over my pants, I hissed in a breath. “Give in to me, Brayden.”
When she did that special tug that only she knew how to do, I thrust my hips up. That friction was my undoing. I knocked her hand away and tackled her to the floor. I didn’t bother getting her out of her dress. Instead, I shoved the hem up her thighs and then jerked down her panties. I fumbled with my belt and zipper. When I finally had my dick free, I didn’t bother with any foreplay. I just plowed right ahead.
We both moaned when I thrust deep inside her. She felt so incredibly tight. Almost as tight as when we’d first been together. “Did I hurt you?” I gasped.
“No, you feel so good.”
“It’s been a long time for you, hasn’t it?” I murmured against the shell of her ear.
“Not since you,” Lily panted.
I jerked my head up to stare into her eyes with disbelief. Her hands came to cup my cheeks. “There’s been no one but you, Brayden. I don’t have sex without love, and you’re the only man I could ever love.”
Grimacing, I knew I couldn’t say the same when it came to being with someone else. I’d whored myself out in the last year trying desperately to forget her. When I stilled my movements, Lily questioned, “Brayden, what’s wrong?”
“I’m so fucking sorry that I can no longer say you’re the only woman I’ve ever been with.”
“I would have been surprised if you had remained celibate, especially in your profession.”
"How can you be so forgiving?”
“Because I know that no matter who you had sex with, you’ve only slept with me. Right?”
As I stared into her eyes, I wondered how she could possibly guess that with the thirty or forty women I’d fucked over the last year, I’d never actually slept with them. If we ever even made it to a bed, I’d end up leaving or having them leave. Lily was the only woman I’d ever spooned with and woken up to the sunlight streaming across us.