Really? his eyes said.
His mouth didn’t have time to repeat it before mine was on it again. Telling him please, don’t think, don’t ask, don’t talk, for once, don’t make me agonize and decide and wonder whether I’m doing the right thing. Just do.
The kiss wasn’t quite so sweet after that. A while later, another of his buttons undone. Two. His shirt halfway off now.
I glanced toward the crisp white sheets on the bed across the room. So did he. I started to undo another button.
He stopped me, both our hands rising and falling with his uneven breaths.
“Avery, wait,” he said. The use of my real name was jarring, and my gaze snapped up. He gently brushed away a strand of my hair that had gotten caught in my mouth, tucking it behind my ear. “Have you ever . . . ?”
I’m sure he already knew the answer. I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter,” I said, and kissed him again.
After a second, though, he stopped, lips in my hair. “Are you sure?”
“I’m sure,” I said, and punctuated it with another long kiss.
“Really sure?” he breathed.
“Really sure.” My fingers fumbled with his final button.
“Okay,” he sputtered against my mouth. “Wait. Stop. I can’t. You can’t.”
My eyes flew open. “What? Why?”
He sighed like it hurt him physically, and stepped out of my arms, cursing, colorfully, under his breath. “Kuklachka.” He perched on the arm of the couch, burying his face in his elbow. “You’ve had too much to drink. We both have. I just want to make sure—I don’t think we should—I don’t want to be something you regret.”
It hung over us like a wet blanket, and I shivered, despite the heat of my skin. “I won’t—”
“Just so you know, this is far more difficult than I’m making it look. Give me a second, okay?” He turned away from me, and I sat, staring. He was serious. And that was incredibly embarrassing.
My skin was hot all over, and then cold. My mind cleared all at once and the real world rushed back.
I jumped up and headed to the door.
The couch creaked behind me. “No, wait.” Stellan caught up with me at the door, blocking my way out. “I want you to stay. I just need to be able to think clearly. Okay?”
I pulled away. No. Not okay. It was the same as always. He was just like everyone else in my life, thinking they knew what was right for me better than I did.
“Move, please,” I said, not looking him in the eyes.
He ran both hands through his hair. “Avery . . .”
We both jumped when the door slammed open from the outside.
“Merde,” Elodie said, breathless, wearing a black evening gown and heavy eye makeup, her bleached hair slicked back from her face in a headband. “There you are. Why weren’t you answering your mobile—”
She finally noticed me.
I couldn’t imagine what I looked like right now. Stellan was hastily buttoning his shirt. Elodie pursed her lips, and under the humiliation of being rejected was the twinge of knowing I’d just done exactly what she’d said I was going to, and I’d promised I wouldn’t.
“Ah,” she said. “Of course. Well, sorry to interrupt, but there’s a small, tiny, actually very important problem.”
CHAPTER 29
When I got to the dining room, Elodie and Colette stood around the table, Elodie in her black dress and Colette in a gossamer white gown that looked like she was wearing the most glamorous bubbles I’d ever seen.
I kept my face down and fell into a chair. My whole body felt prickly, uncomfortable. My head wouldn’t stop spinning.
I’d stopped by the bathroom on the way down and tried to comb some of the tangles out of my hair, but I knew I looked as undone as I felt. My eyes were bright, my cheeks breathlessly pink no matter how much water I splashed on them, my dress wrinkled and crushed.
Stellan looked just as obvious as I did. When he sat up straight, I saw that he’d buttoned his shirt crookedly. Colette caught me looking at him, and I saw her eyes flick over both of us. She leaned over and whispered something in his ear, and he hurriedly fixed his buttons, then stole a glance at me that I didn’t return.
“Where’s Jack?” Colette said.
I rubbed my face. I told them the shortened version, ending with the fact that I’d told him to get out, and it appeared that he had.
“Unfortunately, that’s a small problem compared to what I just learned,” Elodie said. “We were about to head out to the red-carpet event when we found out that there’s been another attack. Something bigger this time. A bomb exploded at the Emir family’s compound. It killed their younger son.”
“What the hell?” I pulled at a handful of my hair. “Why are they still doing this?”
“Terrorism,” Elodie said calmly. “It’s exactly how Lydia explained it. The Circle will hail the Saxons as heroes when the mandate is fulfilled and the Order disappears. They’re escalating the attacks to stack the final outcome.”
“The second we get my mom, we tell somebody,” I said. “We have to stop them.”
“Then we’d better hurry and find this bracelet. At this rate, they’re going to kill half the Circle.” At the sound of Stellan’s voice, a sense memory came on so strong, it nearly knocked me over. Head pleasantly warm, leaning over his lap to grab his drink. Almost falling off my bar stool, my hand pressed to his chest.
“I know.” I couldn’t look at him. I told myself the renewed flush in my cheeks was just embarrassment at getting drunk and losing control, but the spark and sizzle in every bit of my skin that had touched his said something different.