"Go to him and you're a fucking loser…" He all but shouted at himself as he watched Mr. Ellis trying to reason with himself as to where he was and what was happening.
"You're a fucking loser… Nothing more than a weak-ass fucking loser… You're just like him- punk bitch… That's why he never claimed you." The demons were alive and well inside of his head. They were brutal on him; beating his pride into a pulp while bludgeoning at his ego.
"I hate you… I fucking hate you… I fucking hate you… you fucking punk-ass bitch" he passionately repeated over and over again as his feet reluctantly took those unwanted steps making their way back across the busy intersection reaching the man who had abandoned him in life and helping him to safely cross the street. The tears fell from his eyes once safely across the street.
He knew the one that he hated wasn't the old man but himself. He knew his words were hurled at himself attempting to make him stop. He hated himself for being weak like this. He hated himself for still caring; but what could he do? If he left this hapless, disoriented and confused man stranded like this; abandoning Mr. Ellis like he had abandoned him- he would be just like the man he swore he would never be like. He would be just like his father. The only way to break the cycle was to be and do the complete opposite of this man. For some reason Jesus Christ came to mind. He couldn't help but remembering how he used to wonder how did Jesus feel to die for a people who couldn't care less about his sacrifice.
"Is this what you were feeling Jesus?" He asked aloud as if expecting an answer.
Jayden could barely see the road as he drove Mr. Ellis back to the house where he remembered him living. His eyes were blurry with the tears that washed away his pride and killed his ego. He needed to find some comfort pussy immediately. He was nothing more than a punk-ass bitch and he needed to reaffirm and validate his worthiness as a man.
"My son is at Stanford…" He listened to Mr. Ellis bragging about his son again. He remembered when Markus had first started at the university.
"Then you must be taking Dinah to college orientation soon… Loyola this fall…" He remembered the conversation from when they had bumped into each other at the train station years ago. Markus was attending Stanford and Dinah was going downtown to orientation at Loyola.