I rubbed my face in exasperation. “Heath, he told me himself he never wants to be a dad. He’s always used condoms to stop that from happening, but we’ve had a scare before and the first thing he said when my period was late was to get it fixed. He will not have a different opinion about this.”
“He still has the right to know.”
I shook my head, frustrated that he was making this difficult. “I’ll deal with that on my own terms. It’s none of your business, anyway –”
“It’s none of my business?” He laughed without humour and shook his head in shock. “You made it my business by coming to me!”
This was not how I thought this would go. A part of me sort of hoped he’d just agree to let me crash at his place and leave me be. Of course that was stupid, naïve thinking. I should have known Heath would want to ask questions. He was never the kind of person that just went with the flow and kept to himself. He had to know everything.
“Look, I’m sorry,” I said calmly, trying to diffuse the situation immediately. “I’m sorry, Heath. I know you must be disappointed in me, and I am too. But please, don’t work against me right now. I’m scared. Alright? I can’t do this, and Ryker would agree. He’s in prison, and I’m out here on my own, and it’s hard…”
The fear and stress of the last two weeks finally made me crumble. The tears hit hard, falling heatedly down my cheeks. I covered my face with my hand, not wanting him to see. I was so angry at him, but I knew he was demanding answers from a good place. But, god, I just wanted this to go away. I wanted to put it behind me quickly. I didn’t want to stay up another damn night thinking about how I was going to fix this.
“Allie,” he then said in a gentler tone, “this is huge.”
“Don’t you think I know that?”
A warm hand touched mine. He gripped it gently and drew it away from my face. I blinked hard and stared at him. He turned his body around to face me. Having long adjusted to the darkness, I saw the concerned look on his face.
“Abortion is a huge step,” he said solemnly. “That’s not something to take lightly. That can scar you emotionally, Allie. It might solve a problem now but it might create an even bigger one later. You gotta be sure that this is what you want.”
Speedily, I said, “It is, Heath. It is. I’m sure of it.”
He cocked his head to the side. “Are you really sure though? I think you’re just scared right now and reacting impulsively.”
“I said I’m sure.” Why did he have to keep dragging this out? I was having a hard time as it was convincing myself this was right, I didn’t need him digging around until I was showing that hesitation.
“What if I talked to Ryker? He might see things in a different light –”
“Heath,” I cut in, gripping his hand back tightly, “you know Ryker. You know this is what he’ll want too. He said so himself on many occasions.”
He cursed under his breath and looked away. He knew I was right. There was no way in a hundred years Ryker would tell me to keep this baby. He never wanted to be a father. He had some sort of personal issue about it that I could never get to the bottom of.
“What kind of life would the child have anyway?” I said, more to myself than him. “Growing up without a father figure for five years, and then learning about where he was and why he was in there. That kind of thing could mess a kid up.”
Not to mention I would have to drop out of school and struggle to support a kid that didn’t deserve to grow up in abject poverty in a place like Hedley. Believe me, I was one of those kids, and it sucked.
God dammit it all to hell. I felt sick to my stomach just thinking about it.
“Allie,” he suddenly whispered to me, drawing me out of my clusterfuck of thoughts, “if you had nothing to be scared of, would you still abort?”
His question threw me off. My mind went mute, but my body spoke otherwise. I put a hand to my stomach without thought and dropped my head. I stared into my lap, unwilling to admit the truth to that question.
“I can’t,” I told him on a sob. My being shook with defeat. “I’ve got no way to do this, Heath. I’m so alone right now. I can’t do it. I can’t. I’ve only just turned eighteen. I don’t even have a job, and I’ve looked and looked and…”
An arm went around me, and it was so unexpected that I jumped. He’d never been this close to me, and now abruptly his warmth was all over me. He pulled me to him, my forehead hitting his chest as I cried hard against his thin shirt. The smell of sweat and mild cologne cloaked me, reminding me of the safety I used to feel in Ryker’s arms when he held me this near.
“If money wasn’t a problem, if you didn’t care about what Ryker wanted, if you weren’t alone, and if… you had someone to help you, Allie, would you still abort?”
Impossible, I wanted to say. Because he didn’t seem to understand that even if I kept the baby, I’d have a multitude of problems.
But my mouth opened anyway and said what was in my heart. “No, I wouldn’t.” Because what woman would ever want to do it? It was easy to say that you wouldn’t. That it was morally wrong. But when you were faced with the hardship of not being able to care for something that was given to you without planning, reality turned into a broken, unforeseen road. One where the choices you thought you would make became ones you couldn’t.
I felt his hot breath in my ear. The scent of him was as comforting as his closeness. His grip around me tightened when he whispered the five words that would forever change our lives.
“Then let me help you.”
Four
Heath
I walked into the apartment with a bag of fast food I picked up on our way back. I always ate after a good fight, and the second Allie smelled the food in the air at the drive thru, I could tell she was starving too, so I ordered for both of us. She followed closely behind me, eyes red and raw from all the tears spent on our drive here. I went to the kitchen as she stiffly took a seat on the couch.
The apartment was small with the kitchen facing the tiny living room, but Ryker and I never cared about the size. Rent was affordable, we’d each had our own rooms and that was all that really mattered, especially if it meant having privacy with our women. I liked living simply, and since he got locked away, the clutter had stopped piling up. As a result, the place was always neat and tidy.