“That’s an understatement,” he muttered. “Taryn, I really like being around you, but I’m afraid that…” he paused to take a deep breath.
You’re afraid that it can’t continue. Don’t be a coward, just say it. I knew it was coming eventually.
“You have to realize that being around me comes at a price for you too. I need to know that you understand what you’re getting yourself into being with me.”
Being with you? Well, that wasn’t what I expected.
My thoughts were tangled just looking at him.
“I like being around you too,” I admitted softly. “We both know that I don’t come from your world, but I have a fairly good understanding of how things are for you.
“Ryan, I’ll do what I have to, to be part of that for you if you want me to. I’ll deal with the craziness, because I know that comes along with being with…”
TARYN, you’re slipping!
“Um, I mean, of being your friend,” I corrected myself.
“You would do that for me?” he asked, questioning my loyalty.
“Yes,” I answered without hesitation. “Yes, I will.”
“And you’d deal with the paparazzi, and the fans, and the invasion of your privacy? Do you even know what you’re saying yes to?” he murmured as he scratched his head.
“You deal with it. Why is it so hard to believe that someone else would do the same for you?”
“It’s a lot to ask of someone,” he muttered, almost appearing guilty. His shoulders were hunched as he rubbed his forehead repeatedly. “A lot.”
“Well, if you want me to be your friend then you have to give me the benefit of the doubt that I can handle it,” I said bluntly.
“The media will dig for dirt on you. Is there anything I need to know before the rest of the world knows?” He eyed me intensely.
“There is nothing that I’ve been through that I’m ashamed of,” I stated directly. “I’ve already told you a lot about me. I’ve never done drugs or been arrested. I’ve never posed nude or made embarrassing sex tapes either.” I chuckled lightly from my admission. “I don’t have any skeletons in my closet.”
My last comment caused him to smile briefly, but our moment of levity didn’t last. He continued on with his rant.
“You’ll have to watch everything you do, everything you say. You’ll be pressed for answers; they’ll hound you for details.” His lips curled up on his teeth from the thoughts.
“They will provoke you with statements and allegations to get you to respond. You’ll be followed and photographed. Can you handle that too?”
His tone was almost argumentative.
“Who are you trying to convince, me or you?” I spoke quietly. “Ryan, if you want me in your life… if you want to be friends, then I’ll deal with it. But it sounds like you’re trying to talk one of us out of it.”
“It’s like inviting someone into your nightmares. It’s not right for me to do that to you,” he muttered ruefully.
“So what? You’re not allowed to have friends or be close to anyone? Or have a good time and live your life? I’m sorry, but I’m not going to allow them to decide that for me or you.” I wrapped my arms around my knees.
“And if you think that I’m going to be scared away because of them – because of the bad stuff that you have to endure, then you have the wrong impression of me.”
As I spoke I suddenly became overwhelmed with mixed emotions. I was going through all this effort to try to be his friend while deep inside I longed for so much more.
“I don’t have that impression of you; that’s another reason why we are here now.” Ryan smiled at me and let out a big sigh.
Anger and disgust, directed solely at myself, crept up into my chest and burned my throat. Why are we here now? Why am I even in this boat with you?
I kept making mistakes, slips... one after another. I can’t fall in love with you. I can’t allow myself to long for something that would never – could never be. I’m just kidding myself.
The serene lake suddenly felt like shark-infested waters. I had to get out of this boat and back to safe ground - fast. I fought the urge to jump in the lake and swim for shore.
I looked at the time on my cell phone. “It’s almost two o’clock. I should get you back. I’m sure you have things you have to do.”
“Not really,” he admitted, looking me in the eyes again. “I just assumed… it is poker night, isn’t it?”
Despite my compounding fears I couldn’t help but revel in the fact that he was going to be with me tonight as well.
“I’m hungry,” Ryan mentioned as we walked up to the cabin. “I’m starting to get a headache.”
“We can stop for something on the way back. How does pizza sound?”
I drove us out onto the highway and Ryan moved his arm to rest his hand on the top of my driver’s seat. Every once and a while he would twist his finger into my hair on the top of my head. It made me shiver and smile.
“Does that tickle?” he asked.
“Yeah, it does!” I giggled, but he kept on doing it.
Every time I tried to reach for his finger, he’d move his hand away and chuckle. Our little game was fun.
About the ninth time, I managed to reach up fast enough with my right hand and I flattened his hand on my head. He twisted his finger once more in my hair under my hand.
“Okay, I’ll stop then,” he announced, and then he made a move that stunned me. He quickly gathered my hand in his and relocated our joined hands to rest on his thigh.
I glanced over at him in shock. I felt a slight rush when my heart skipped a beat; the sensation of his touch flooded my veins.
Ryan was staring intently at our joined hands; slowly he opened his grip and freed my hand but I didn’t pull away – I didn’t want to pull away even though I knew I should. My desire for him overpowered all logical reasoning. A small grin appeared on his lips.
After a few minutes, he repositioned my hand, setting it to rest palm down on his thigh. Ryan released me, then used his left hand to casually scratch his chin, all the while watching my hand on his leg.
I smiled, assuming this was another test. He paused to see if I’d pull my hand away. He was feeling me out to see how I’d react.
I left my hand where he set it. He placed his hand on top of mine and wove our fingers together. The smile on his face was breathtaking. He adjusted his seat to recline further back, breathed out a contented sigh, and closed his eyes.