Okay, my interest is fuckin’ peaked now.
Still glaring at the ass, I ask, “What do you mean?”
Nik’s smiling face becomes thoughtful as he replies, “Nat isn’t the type to do anything half-assed. If she wants it, she wants it all. She might be happy with what you’re givin’ her right now, buddy, but sometime in the future, she’s gonna expect you to man up and bite the bullet.”
What bullet?
Confused, I ask, “What bullet?”
It’s Nik’s turn to glare at me. He says, “Wake the fuck up and clue the fuck in. Marriage, Ghost. She’s gonna want it. Is that something you can offer her? Because if it’s not, I suggest you break it off right now.”
Marriage? Fuck me.
Random thoughts swirl through my head.
I want to be with her. I don’t want anyone else to have her. If I put a ring on her finger, it would mean she’s all mine and will be for life. I suddenly wonder why the thought of marriage used to make me feel like I’d swallowed a pint of lead paint. I could do marriage with Nat.
Nik breaks me out of my thoughts. He quietly tells me, “She isn’t going to want someone who pushes her away when shit gets tough. She’s going to want a man who’ll talk to her, talk through issues and she’ll want to help with those issues.” Leaning back again, he says, “Love you like a brother, man, but Nat’s like my sister, so if you break her heart, you leave me no choice but to break your nose.” I look over at him and his lip twitches as he says, “Not that you’re dating her. Just saying.”
Without another word, he winks at me, stands and leaves me sitting on the sofa with a hundred more questions than I had to begin with.
The question is, can I be the man Nat needs?
***
Walking into my apartment after a long day at work, I slip off my heels and yell out, “Honey, I’m home!” I’m a very 1950’s sitcom way.
No response.
My brow furrows.
That’s strange. Ash is normally here and waiting on me after the longer shifts I have. He must still be at home, which is fine because I need a shower real bad before I get some sweet, sweet lovin’. I stink.
Dropping my bag on the counter with a sigh, I walk into my bedroom and turn on the light. I squeak when I see Ash sitting on the edge of my bed, waiting for me. Clutching my chest, I chuckle and say, “Babe. Word of warning. No sneaky-ups on me. That’s the best way to get a concussion.”
His elbows rest on his knees and he holds his fisted hands in front of his mouth. He looks deep in thought, so I figure I’ll leave him to it. I walk over to him, kiss his forehead and tell him, “I got to have me a shower. Your lady is a very stinky one today.” Just as I walk away from him he says, “Nat, come back here.”
Not turning, I utter, “In a second, babe. I really need that shower.”
He says, “Nat. I’m leaving.”
I walk into the bathroom to turn on the shower and reply, “Okay, I’ll be over in about fifteen. I just gotta-”
My body shakes in shock as he roars, “Sit. The fuck. Down.” He yells so loudly that the veins in his neck bulge.
Placing my hand on my chest, I feel my heart race through my palm. I whisper, “Okay,” then move to sit on my bed. Something tells me this is not the time to argue so I don’t.
I know. I’m as shocked as you are.
Unease flows through me. Something’s not right.
Searching his face, my heart squeezes as I take in his cold expression. He says firmly, “This- this thing. It’s not good and it has to stop.”
No. God, no.
Tingles hit the bridge of my nose and my eyes sting. I ask quietly, “What thing?”
He waves an arm out to me and mutters, “This you and me thing. I’m changing everything about myself for you and I don’t like it. So, no more. We said that when one of us wasn’t into it anymore, we’d call it quits and I’m not into it anymore.”
My chest aches with every beat of my racing heart.
My heart is breaking. Shattering into a million pieces.
His gaze hits the floor. He places his hands on his hips and stands tall. He says, “I liked it. I mean, I do like you. It’s just not for me. You need another type of guy. A guy I can’t ever be.”
Where is this coming from?
My stomach clenches. Lifting myself from the bed, I croak, “All I need is you.”
He looks me in the eye and spits, “I’m not even a full man, Nat. Fuck! I’m barely half of one.”
Walking closer to him, I reach out and touch his arm. I say through my stuttering breaths, “I’ll help you. We’ll go through it together, one day at a time.”
Snatching his arm away from me, he yells, “You can’t fix me!”
Losing my shit, I yell back, “I don’t want to fix you! I love you!”
He lowers his head in defeat. Placing his hands on his hips, he says quietly, “I have nothing to offer you.”
Tears stream down my face. I tell him, “Your love is something.”
“I don’t know what love is,” he whispers, avoiding my gaze.
Silence.
We both stand so close to each other, but I feel like I’ve lost him. I’m not losing him without a fight. I wipe my fallen tears and ask quietly, “Where is this coming from, Ash?”
He exhales loudly and paces in front of my closet. Not answering my question, he says, “When we’re little, we ask our moms to check under the bed for monsters. My monsters weren’t living under my bed. My monsters…” He points to his temple. “…My monsters were in here. They still are. You wanna be with someone like that? Someone like Cole? Because I’m worse than him. You wouldn’t believe the shit I’ve done. It would make your skin crawl.”
Liquid anger singes my veins. I cry and shout, “You’re nothing like him! Don’t say that! You’re not like him!”
His face changes to something cruel and dark. He takes the two steps over to me and wraps his hands around my throat, gripping tight. He cuts off my air slowly, slowly til I can’t take in a full breath. And I’m letting him. He snarls through gritted teeth, “You think I’m not like him? I’ve killed before. I’d do it again. You can’t change me. Evil breeds evil. Just like my dad.”
I reach up and hold onto his arms, I don’t claw, I don’t fight, just hold onto him. My vision turns fuzzy as pressure builds in my face, my ears block. I choke out on a whisper, “You’re not him,” then gasp, “I know what you’re doing.”
His face changes to something more than pained. Devastation.
He drops his hands from my throat and I sink to my knees in a heap, gasping and coughing. His voice is cold when he speaks without looking at me, “I’m leaving. Got shit to work out.”
A single tear trails down my cheek. Breathing heavily, I clutch my sore throat with shaking hands. Looking up at him, I whisper, “If you leave me now, I don’t know if I’ll ever want you back.”
His eyes hold mine for a solid minute. Then he turns and walks out of my room.
I start to hyperventilate.