"Hi, Drew, thanks for waiting," I said when he picked up. "I'm ready if you are."
"I'll be right over."
I freshened up my make-up while I waited for Drew, trying to muster some enthusiasm for the date. An attractive, successful man was interested in me but instead of feeling nervous and excited, I was wishing I could just go home and crawl into bed.
I smiled when Drew strode into my office, telling myself I would have a good time. We went to a bar nearby and I tried to relax, hoping the vodka tonic I had ordered would loosen me up.
"So tell me about yourself, Emma Mills," Drew asked, leaning forward in his chair. "I don't know much about you except that you're an amazing account director."
"There's not much to tell," I replied with a faint smile. "I grew up in Maryland and lived in D.C. for the past five years after I left Mass Comm." I didn't want to discuss the circumstances of why I had left Mass Comm, which I was sure Drew knew about, so I quickly changed the subject to him. "What about you? Where did you grow up?"
I listened to Drew tell me about his childhood in Boston and we had an easy conversation as we went through the usual first date topics. I learned that Drew had grown up with a single mother who had taken care of him and his sister by working multiple jobs to keep a roof over their head. Drew had worked as a carpenter to put himself through college, earning a 4.0 GPA while barely having time to sleep. He had built himself up from meager beginnings and I admired the self-made man who became a success through sheer determination and will, coupled with a brilliant mind. But despite my admiration, I didn't feel a spark with him. I didn't feel the need to know as much about him as I possibly could. It was hard not thinking about Jackson while Drew was talking, wondering what he was doing and who he was doing it with. So when we stepped outside of the bar after a few drinks, it was easy to refuse his request for another date.
"I'm sorry, Drew." And I really was. I wished that I felt something for him. I could use him to take my mind off Jackson, but I knew that was unfair to Drew. So I lied, knowing that despite my excuse, I would have welcomed a relationship at this state of my life. "I had a great time tonight, but things are a little complicated in my life right now. I don't really have room for a relationship. I'm sorry if I misled you by agreeing to a drink tonight."
Drew looked disappointed but he took the rejection with grace. "I'm sorry to hear that, but I hope we can remain friends. Let me know if your life ever uncomplicates."
I was grateful for Drew's acceptance of my excuse and his willingness to settle for a friendship. I promised to have lunch with him soon and was relieved when a cab whisked me back home, happy to be in the comfort of my apartment.
I forced myself not to turn on my laptop and search for news about Jackson, turning on the television instead and mindlessly eating M&M's while watching a terrible sitcom. I was midway through the family-sized bag when my phone rang, jerking me away from my self-induced chocolate haze. My heart leapt in my throat when I saw Jackson's name flashing across the screen of my cell phone. I was surprised that his number was still the same. I had assumed that since he became a celebrity, he would have changed his cell phone number for the sake of privacy. That didn't stop me from keeping his number programmed in my phone all these years, as pathetic as it was.
I grabbed the phone and answered it, cursing my eagerness.
"Hello?" I said tentatively.
"Emma. I didn't think you would answer." Jackson sounded tired and relieved and my pulse quickened from hearing his voice.
"What do you want, Jackson?"
"I need to see you." He exhaled harshly. "I know I made an ass out of myself last time. I promise not to act like an animal again. We can meet in public, if that makes you feel better."
"Haven't we already said everything we need to? What's the point of dredging up the past?"
"You said you would answer my questions. I wasn't able to ask you everything I needed to last time because...I got carried away. Just one last time. Let's meet one last time, and then I'll leave you alone."
"Are you sure Candace is going to be okay with that?" I couldn't help myself from throwing out the barb, my tone catty and snide.
"All the stuff you see online and in tabloids is crap," Jackson replied flatly. "She's strictly a friend."
"Pictures don't lie, Jackson," I countered accusingly. "You two seemed pretty cozy. Shouldn't you try being faithful? You might like the novelty of it."
Jackson breathed in deeply, as if he was trying to reign in his temper. "Those were just some photo ops of us in the countries we visited during our promo tour. It's strictly professional."
I was afraid to agree to meet up with Jackson. Afraid of the feelings that would surface if I saw him again. I had fooled myself into believing I was over him, but our last encounter made me realize that five years wasn't enough to erase my feelings for him. I felt pathetic and vulnerable, realizing that even his infidelity didn't have the power to make me hate him.
"Please, Emma," Jackson pleaded softly when I didn't answer.
I should have refused. I should have demanded that he ask me the questions over the phone, that there was no need to meet in person. But my sick heart hungered to see him again. I promised myself that it would just be this one last time.
"Okay."
Jackson breathed a sigh of relief. "I get back into New York on Saturday morning. I can meet you at noon. Why don't we meet at Andrews, the coffee shop we used to go to in the East Village?"
The thought of our old coffee shop, where we had spent countless mornings eating greasy diner food and lingering over coffee was painful to remember, but I agreed. After I hung up the phone, I wondered if I was a masochist. It seemed as if I was running headfirst into heartbreak, but I was unable to stop myself.
The self-destructive behavior continued when I took the diamond pendant out of my jewelry box and fastened it around my neck again. I could never bring myself to sell it, even though it held painful memories. I slept restlessly that night, clutching the pendant in my hand and wishing that things could have turned out differently.
Drew stayed true to his word and we were able to strike up an easy friendship at work, despite Celeste's disappointment that we hadn't started dating. I was grateful for his guidance and advice, since he had a lot of knowledge that I was eager to tap into since he was a vice president at Forrester. Our promised lunch was a mixture of business and pleasure and I was surprised at how funny he was. I had always thought of Drew as serious, and even on our date he had seemed buttoned up, but now that the possibility of a dating relationship had passed he seemed relaxed and laid back.