I want to snuggle her boobs and I want to kiss her and never stop, and she wants feelings! I have feelings, dammit! I have all the feels! But what if my feels aren’t the same as her feels and I look like an idiot because of my feels? I don’t want to look like an idiot!
Staring down the front of her shirt, her warm breath on my face, I reach for the fly of my jeans without even thinking about what I’m doing.
“I HAVE NUTS!”
Chapter 12 – Here’s to You, Mrs. Robinson … er, Ellis
“You look guilty. Why do you look guilty?” Tyler asks as soon as he hops into the passenger seat of my car and I take off.
How the f**k does he do that? Of course I feel guilty. My best friend stuck her hand down my pants last night and jerked me off. And when I tried to reciprocate and wound up ripping her underwear by accident, she left without saying a word. I’m way beyond feeling guilty. I’m f**king mortified.
My mom had a meeting she couldn’t miss this morning and my dad is being released from the hospital. She didn’t ask so much as tell me I would be picking him up today.
“You need to pick your dad up from the hospital. And take him wherever he wants to go. I don’t care if he has to go back to the doctor for an enema, you will go with him and hold his hand.”
Even though Tyler spent half the evening with my parents last night after I left the hospital with Charlotte, I didn’t feel like that punishment was enough for him, considering he roofied my dad, so I told him he was coming with me.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about. I don’t feel guilty,” I finally reply, refusing to look in his direction.
“Liar, liar, you’re a f**king whore. Spill it,” Tyler demands as I stop at a red light.
I can feel Tyler’s eyes boring into me from the other side of the car, and I know my face is heating up and turning red.
“Oh my f**k. Is that a hickey on your neck?” Tyler shouts.
Craning my neck, I look into the rearview mirror, and sure enough there is a little red mark right below my ear. Hot damn.
“I think you have your answer right there, bro. When a chick gives you a hickey, she means business.”
Looking away from the mirror, I glance over at him in confusion. “What are you talking about?”
Tyler shakes his head at me. “Dude. She marked you. Now, every chick that sees you is going to know you’re taken. She should have just pissed all over you and been done with it. Golden shower, party of one!”
I’m sure that’s not why Charlotte did it. It was the heat of the moment and all that shit. Tyler’s insane.
“So, you made a move. Little Gavin is all grown up. It brings a tear to my eye. Under the shirt AND under the bra? Did you blow your load in your pants as soon as you touched her tits? Is that why you feel guilty?”
I scoff at him and roll my eyes. “What are we, twelve? Did you seriously just ask me that?”
I know, I know. I totally DID blow my load like ten seconds after she touched me, but I’m not about to tell Tyler that.
“Hey, it happens to the best of us. I once came in my pants when I was thirteen and Christy Collins made me play with her My Little Ponies.”
I laugh and glance Tyler’s way as I wait for a red light to change. “Was Christy Collins THAT hot when she was thirteen?”
Tyler shakes his head and pulls his cell phone out of his back pocket. “It had nothing to do with her. Have you ever played with My Little Ponies? They have such silky smooth hair and cute little butts. Twilight Sparkle is my favorite.”
I can’t form words right now, even if my life depended on it.
“Dude, did you jerk off to a My Little Pony?” I ask in disgust.
“See? I knew you’d judge me. It’s not like that at all. It’s all about her personality,” Tyler argues.
“It’s a f**king plastic horse! Holy shit, you don’t bang animals do you?” I yell in horror.
“Oh my God, that’s just sick, Gavin. Really, I expected better from you. Can we please change the subject? I really don’t like discussing my Bronie status with someone who doesn’t live the lifestyle,” Tyler complains.
“Did you just say Bronie? What the f**k is that? Is this some sort of club or something?”
“Not that you care, but yes. Bronies are a select group of men who appreciate the beauty and personalities of My Little Ponies,” Tyler explains.
“And by appreciate I’m assuming you mean jerk off to,” I say with a laugh.
“IT’S NOT LIKE THAT!”
I just nod, trying to contain my laughter and overall disgust from this conversation.
“So, did you close the deal and f**k Charlotte?” Tyler asks, changing the subject.
“Stop. I would never f**k Charlotte. I would make love to her gently,” I tell him.
“Alright there, McSensitive Pansy Ass. Did you make sweet, sweet love to your beautiful goddess?” Tyler asks, folding his hands under his chin and batting his eye lashes at me.
“No, we didn’t get that far. I did rip her thong, though,” I tell him sheepishly.
“BOOM! That JUST happened! Maybe you really do have a penis hiding between your legs after all.”
Before I can call Tyler a My Little Pony-fucking freak, he puts his phone up to his mouth and speaks into it.
“Siri, where is the closest Victoria’s Secret?”
“I do not understand the question, Hot Lover Boy Big Penis Man Titty Tickler.”