“I enjoyed watching him thrive. He was an artist, as you know. He drew and painted and started tattooing. He was so different from the boy I’d met in the alley. I can’t explain how that feels...to witness and to feel like you had a hand in changing someone’s life, in being what they need.”
The way Dante felt with him. Ben needed him and Dante saw that from the beginning, the same way he had with Abel. That’s what Ben was...a replacement. The weak link who couldn’t get by on his own.
“He’d been active in the club scene from the age of eighteen. It’s when he got hooked on drugs. Eventually, he wanted that again. He needed it, he said, and I enjoyed providing it for him. It took a while, but he was relentless, pushing and pushing. Always pushing. He was strong enough to withstand temptation, he said, because he had me. You say you’re selfish, but that’s me. I put him in temptation’s way because I thought I was strong enough to save him.”
The same way Ben had pushed for them to have sex. He’d worn Dante down the same way Abel had.
“I noticed the first time he came out of the club bathroom high. I finished out the night, didn’t take him home right away. When we left, I confronted him, he apologized, said it wouldn’t happen again, and I let it go. We kept going back, pushing harder. He needed more and I gave it to him. He would get high and I never stopped him, because I felt like in so many ways, I was still giving Abel what he needed.
“He was completely hooked before I realized it. No, that’s going easy on myself. I knew it would happen and I did nothing. We had fun together... I’d felt like I was living for the first time in my life, and it was because of him, this younger man who needed me. He was the life of the party, and he made me feel that way too.”
Ben felt like he was watching this whole thing take place. Watched as he reached for Dante, and wrapped an arm around him. As Dante leaned into Ben, maybe for the first time ever.
Dante’s voice was soft...almost broken when he spoke again. “I found him crying in the bathroom one day. He had a needle in his arm. He was angry at me, because I let him slip. Because he couldn’t stop. He told me I was supposed to save him. That I made him believe I could save him.
“I still didn’t realize I’d failed him. He had me and that was enough. I gave him what he needed, so I wrapped him in my arms, and made myself think it was okay. The next day, it was as though nothing had happened. I didn’t bring it up again. It didn’t matter that we weren’t going to the clubs anymore, he was still using. It didn’t matter that he came home high expecting me to take care of him. That he would be out for days at a time and I knew what he was doing. He came home to me to be healed and like the weak bastard I am, I thrived on that. I never tried to stop him. I never denied him anything. I was glad to be his savior.”
Dante stopped talking but Ben knew there was more to the story. He almost didn’t want it, which made him as selfish as Dante believed himself to be. “He was an adult. He was responsible for his actions, not you. Just like I’m responsible for mine.”
“Are you? Don’t you think it’s a coincidence that I still went to the clubs after Abel? That I found someone who was as lost as I was, and then tried to save him again?”
Still, he’d been transparent from the start. “You warned me.”
Dante pushed Ben’s hand away. “It didn’t stop me from doing it! I enabled Abel to become an addict, because at least he had me and I could save him. What is your addiction, Ben? You use sex. You get hurt and then ask me to fuck away the pain, and I do it. I do it even though I know it’s wrong, because it gives me even more than it gives you. It makes you need me, the same way he did! He knew that. He knew I wronged him, knew that I cared about myself more than I did him. He painted that God Damned tunnel for me, and then shot too many drugs into his arm and died there, because he knew what a bastard I am. I won’t do that again. I won’t lose you, Ben. Not you...”
Ben jerked his head away when Dante grabbed his chin. Dante tried again and Ben let him. Let Dante turn his head so that Ben faced him.
“Do you hear what I’m saying? I can’t lose you the way I lost him.”
Ben’s head was a tornado of confusing thoughts. Too many to focus on one thing or to make sense of any of them. “Then what am I doing here? Why am I naked in your bed?”
Ben stiffened as Dante pulled him close, lay on his side and wrapped his arm around Ben tightly. “Because I’m here. I want you to know that I’m here, even when I know I can’t be your savoir. Even when I know I can’t give you what you need. I can’t fuck away your pain, Ben. It’s a band aid and nothing more...but I’m still here.”