Their showers finished and they got dressed. They were walking through the gym and toward the front door when Ben said, “You’re a bastard.”
“You got almost as much pleasure from anticipating it as you would have the act. You like not knowing what I’ll do or when I’ll do it.”
Damned if Dante wasn’t right about him again. “I wouldn’t say almost as much pleasure. That’s pushing it a little.”
“Hey, Ben. Good to see you again.” Ben looked up at the sound of Jeremiah’s voice. He hadn’t seen him since the one time Ben had run into him here when he’d been out of his mind.
Aren’t you still, though? Out of your mind?
“Hi. How ya doing?”
“Good, and yourself?” Jeremiah replied.
Ben didn’t answer the question. He was good at avoiding when he wanted to. “This is a friend of mine, Dante. Dante this is Jeremiah.” The two men shook hands.
“You’re looking good, Ben. I have to admit, I was a little worried about you the last time I saw you here.”
“Yeah, I’d been sick. I thought I was getting over it but then figured out I hadn’t been,” he lied easily. Didn’t even think about it really. The only thing he did think about was what Jeremiah said. Ben looked good? He wasn’t stupid. He knew he hadn’t looked or felt that way in a long time yet he looked okay to Jeremiah and he almost felt okay as well.
“A few of us are going out for drinks tonight. You should come.” Jeremiah turned toward Dante. “Your friend is welcome to come along. The more the merrier.” The stress on the word friend told Ben that Jeremiah realized they were more than just friends.
A cold feeling settled into Ben’s bones. Not because he was ashamed. He’d never been ashamed of who he was but because if he took Dante out with him, this would be the first time he’d be amongst his peers when they knew a man with Ben meant he was someone Ben was fucking. When they would know he fucked men at all.
It didn’t matter to him how Jeremiah would know that. Probably from the way they’d been touching when they worked out. It had never been about Ben that made him hide himself. It had been about pleasing his father.
Everything was always about pleasing his father.
Ben caught Dante’s eyes. He could see Dante trying to read him. He could also see the walls starting to build around his lover. Going out with people Ben knew, things like that were what couples did. Not two men who were using one another for sex and pleasure the way Ben and Dante were.
Dante was right to close off. This wasn’t what they did. It wasn’t something either of them wanted.
As though Dante read the knowledge in Ben’s eyes, he said, “Unfortunately, I have plans tonight. I appreciate the offer though.”
“Ben?” Jeremiah asked. “We’re going to an exhibit first. I know how much you like art.”
Ben did but still he shook his head, which suddenly started to spin. The thought of going out with people he knew sent him spiraling. It was the old Ben doing the old things. The man who obsessed over someone who didn’t love him and pretended to be someone he wasn’t. The man who still cared about his father’s love.
Suddenly, Ben was angry again. He couldn’t work his way through the fog in his head. Tristan and Bonnie and Javier all fought to get their claws into him. All of the people he’d failed or the people who hurt him. They wanted back inside, slipped from the darkness and waned into the light again.
“Thanks anyway, but tonight isn’t a good night.” Ben walked away. He tried to pass the alley when he got outside but Dante grabbed his arm in a tight hold.
He turned, his grip on Ben getting tighter as he led him down the alley.
He didn’t speak, and neither did Ben.
There was a dumpster toward the end of the alley and Dante headed toward it. He pushed Ben around the other side. Ben stumbled against the wall and the second his back hit, Dante went down to his knees and easily worked the button and zipper on Ben’s pants.
“Look up. Don’t look down at me or we stop.” Dante didn’t give Ben a chance to reply to that before he took Ben all the way to the back of his throat.
Ben groaned at the feel of the hot, wet mouth around his cock, which was already hard. When had that happened? When Dante grabbed him? Shoved him? He didn’t know. All he did know was it felt good, the suction on his prick and the hand massaging his balls.
The fact that it was Dante. Dante on his knees, in a dirty alley, for Ben. It wasn’t something that should turn him on but it did. How fucked up was he?