She laid her hand on his arm. She did nothing more. She gently touched
him. The trembling hand may have said, with some expression, 'Think of
me, think how I have worked, think of my many cares!' But she said not a
syllable herself. There was a reproach in the touch so addressed to him that she had
not foreseen, or she would have withheld her hand. He began to justify
himself in a heated, stumbling, angry manner, which made nothing of it.
'I was there all those years. I was--ha--universally acknowledged as
the head of the place. I--hum--I caused you to be respected there, Amy.
I--ha hum--I gave my family a position there. I deserve a return. I
claim a return. I say, sweep it off the face of the earth and begin
afresh.
Is that much? I ask, is that much?' He did not once look at her,
as he rambled on in this way; but gesticulated at, and appealed to, the
empty air. 'I have suffered. Probably I know how much I have suffered better than
any one--ha--I say than any one! If I can put that aside, if I can
eradicate the marks of what I have endured, and can emerge before the
world--a--ha--gentleman unspoiled, unspotted--is it a great deal to
expect--I say again, is it a great deal to expect--that my children
should--hum--do the same and sweep that accursed experience off the face
of the earth?' In spite of his flustered state, he made all these exclamations in a
carefully suppressed voice, lest the valet should overhear anything.
'Accordingly, they do it. Your sister does it. Your brother does it. You
alone, my favourite child, whom I made the friend and companion of my
life when you were a mere--hum--Baby, do not do it.
You alone say you can't do it. I provide you with valuable assistance to
do it. I attach an accomplished and highly bred lady--ha--Mrs General,
to you, for the purpose of doing it. Is it surprising that I should be
displeased? Is it necessary that I should defend myself for expressing
my displeasure? No!' Notwithstanding which, he continued to defend himself, without any
abatement of his flushed mood. 'I am careful to appeal to that lady for confirmation, before I express
any displeasure at all. I--hum--I necessarily make that appeal within
limited bounds, or I--ha--should render legible, by that lady, what I
desire to be blotted out. Am I selfish? Do I complain for my own sake?
No. No. Principally for--ha hum--your sake, Amy.'
This last consideration plainly appeared, from his manner of pursuing
it, to have just that instant come into his head. '